banana bread

Tonight I planned on writing part 2 of what the Lord showed me yesterday, ya know, light in the dark. Instead I made banana bread, almost blew up our kitchen (don't worry, I still have my eye brows) and am about to go to bed.


The very thing I challenged myself and you readers on yesterday I was faced with today. Would I maintain my light in the dark, shine when it was hard? Being the light isn't being a Christian solely, that is simply step 1. Its obeying whatever God is asking you to do even when you've been wronged, when you are disrespected, being humble, walking in love when its not returned and unnoticed.


So today I had that choice. I could get offended, grumbly, entitled, or option b: let the holy spirit help me. I cant say that I 100% made the right choice and walked it out with flying colors. But I do know that when I felt like I was about to blow it, the Holy Spirit came in to be my helper, just like he loves to do.


The very thing I had prayed this morning, "Lord show me specific ways to be the light" was real. It was hard but he did as he promised and helped me through. Either way, its almost Friday, I have the Holy Spirit, banana bread and our house wasn't leveled when we tried to light the pilot light. I would call that success.


He surely is good.

light in the dark

Once more Jesus addressed the crowd. He said, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me will not be walking in the dark, but will have the Light which is Life. John 8:12

 

There is this song we sing at church, In Jesus Name, by Darlene Z… however you spell her last name. The climax of the song goes like this “God is fighting for us, pushing back the darkness, lighting up the kingdom that cannot be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and we will shout it out, shout it out.” I am a huge fan of this song, not necessarily how high I have to sing when we do it but the message behind it. I caught it the first time we practiced it and the revelation has stayed with me. I sing it in my head or out loud at least once a day here and its words have carried so much power for me.  Today I came face to face with the reality of those words, the reality of darkness. We like to sing songs like this because it promises light and Jesus and power but I guess I never really thought about what happens when I’m in the dark. I was singing this from my lit up world where the people I surrounded myself with knew Jesus and believed what I did.  I sang it this morning in a place where light was dim, where it seemed as though maybe the darkness would win. It’s strange. We know it, we are told about it by Jesus himself, that we are the salt and the light, a city on a hill. Yet often times I find my own heart shying away from the darkness. After all, how could one little light like myself really make much of a difference? I am just one light, and though I am not the only one here, I still feel out numbered.

I was talking to the Lord about this today, asking him why certain things happen the way they do, hurt, suffering, why the people I see every day have so much pain, or hatred or darkness. I came to a place in my time with him where my humanity became ever so real. I so long and pray to be used and sent and world changing. And it’s sincere. Sometimes I think I forget though that light can’t stay in lit places. That I shouldn’t be surprised when I encounter the darkness.  And we sing about being light and being bright and never take into account the darkness we must face. It’s not easy. Darkness seems to prevail, it seems to be bigger and greater. But I am here to remind you and myself that it isn’t. And the bottom basic mere line here is that I was not called to shy away from it. To be the light you have to deal with the dark. We want to be the light from a distance but it doesn’t work that way. A candle lights up exactly what is surrounding it. I cant put a candle in one room and expect it to show me anything in another. God has put me smack dab in the dark. My flesh, the Jessica in me wants to panic, get overwhelmed, frustrated, fearful and yet the God in me says remember “God is fighting for you, pushing back the darkness, lighting up a kingdom that CANNOT be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and I WILL shout it out.”

Today is bizarre, stretching beyond what I thought I was prepared to bear. BUT I am not on my own, after all I am not the light because of anything I am. I am the light because of the light in me, the light of the world, the hope of this world. He is in me and he is shining, through crappy situations that make me want to scream and run the other direction. He shines through my words, my actions, my silence when I could speak, my mercy and my humility. Realities like this are hard. They force us out of comfortable places, causing us to evaluate what is really in our hearts. Its always easier to stay where you blend in, its always easier to stay where there is light, always.  But God has asked of us otherwise. He has commanded us to the dark places, in Boone, in North Carolina, in Haiti, every bit of everywhere. It’s a daily choice and it never FEELS easy. But his grace is abounding. And his word is full of promises. “No, despite all these things, OVERWHELMING victory is ours through Christ Jesus who loved us.” Romans 8:37. Boom. There it is. How can you even argue with a promise that solid and good. He knew the examples that would cause us to doubt it, the darkness that would hinder us from seeing it. But he knows the end, he gives the victory to us now.

I say all this to myself, to remind myself tonight that my prayers are powerful, my words carry life, and that my spirit has the same power that rose jesus from the grave. No power can stand against him. “No one after he has lighted a lamp covers it with a vessel or puts it under a [dining table] couch; but he puts it on a lampstand, that those who come in may see the light.” Luke 8:16. Jesus didn’t put his light in you so you could keep it to yourself. It’s there for others and to give him glory. Sing the song from VBS, soak up his word, and let it shine.

week deux

I feel like I should blog because I haven't this week but I hardly feel like I have much to say at this point. Week 1 is complete, only 51 to go, but whose counting anyways?






I have spent most of my time at JAX (our main SP base on the beach) but will be at Greta the rest of the week. I've already baked a few times, cinnamon rolls and the best brownies ever, just in case you wondering.




My day to day has been mostly working at Greta, finagling (fenagaling...how do you spell that word? Is it actually a word?) my way through my new role. If you are interested in praying for me, which, why wouldn't you be, since it works incredibly, I could use prayer in this category. I hardly feel qualified for the job I am in, in fact I often wonder why they hired me. I don't have a lot of experience, I didn't study anything related to this and I'm only 24. It is intimidating at times to think of the task ahead of me, knowing that I do want to do well for these kids, provide the best support possible for my executive director and ultimately please the Lord in all I do. Sweet Jesus gently reminded me last night that none of those above reasons are actually reasons at all and that he chose me because I will obey him, because I desire to do what he has asked. I am not allowed to speak negatively about myself, my abilities or seemingly lack there of. What I am allowed to do is found in Colossians 2:3. "In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Seek him. Search out the hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge that are so beyond me yet completely accessible to me through him.






Anyways, today I went to Petit Guave and opened my Haitian bank account. We are required to do this in order to get our permis de sejour (visa). And then I worked, did zumba, ate French fries, made brownies and played speed scrabble. Just in case you wanted my full schedule.






If you have any questions about anything, whoever you readers are, please feel free to ask and I will tell you all about whatever it is.






And to relieve any fears of any certain relatives I may have, I am feeling 100% better, back to my normal self.


Oh one more thing, if you are interested in seeing how you can donate or get involved in things we need here, let me know. :)






Last but definitely not least, the best part of my everyday and the first boy to ask me to marry him since I was in kindergarten....

a new familiar

It is a surreal thing to be posting on this blog again. When I left 6 months ago I wasn't sure this would happen or if I even wanted it to. But after a tough but good season of learning, struggling, growing, processing, here I am, back in my Caribbean home. I'm at the end of day 3 and I would say at this point little has gone according to plan. Well, my plan at least.

Travel down here was one for the books. When Gracie prayed for me at my going away festivities for people on the plane that could encourage me etc I could not even foresee what that would be. Long story short, after moving seats 3 times, I ended up next to a girl that I would never have guessed was a God send. She prayed with me the entire flight down as I experienced medical issues, held my hand, joined me in my faith. I spent the first night on the phone with our nurse in another city and woke up early the next day to go straight back to Port-au-Prince for a few tests. Don't freak out, I am fine. But those were not my favorite days. I am feeling much better, have enjoyed 2 full days with my babies and am staying at Greta for the first time tonight in my new house.

The not so good:

1. Change is hard. Life happens, people come and go and people going has always been hard for me. When you have experienced something only one way to return and find it completely different it can be unsettling. Many of the people I came to know and love at base have left, and though we have so many great new faces, its still weird.

2. I forgot what mosquitoes were. So much to the point that I did not bring a drop of bug spray. Luckily we have it around here by the gallons so I am covered, but still. The first bite was quite a shock.

3. Cold showers, with mosquitoes. I forgot about those too.

The great:

1. My kids. Oh my, the first hugs were sweet. Every morning when I see them its like they have forgotten all over again that I am here and we get to have the same excited exchange. I still can hardly believe I'm back, sitting with them, holding them, playing silly games, asking them what's in their mouth, kissing them goodnight. It's the good kind of weird. They have all grown up so much since I left but still have the same laughs, quirks, habits, personalities that I love about them. Get ready for picture overload of crumb covered faces.  

2. My house- holy moly, Jesus is so sweet. Favorite colors, great kitchen, can you say BATH TUB, hot shower, incredible. More than I would have even thought to ask for which makes it an even greater gift.

3.Sunsets over the ocean. Did you see the one I posted on facebook? They are just heavenly.

4. No more snow!

I want to say thank you so much everyone for all of your prayers. Continue to pray for me as I transition into my new role here. Pray that Jesus would reveal to me the specific things he has already placed in me that I can do here, gifts I was created to use. Pray for continued protection, health, joy, determination, vision. It has been a whirlwind of a week and I am very much looking forward to a relaxing weekend at the beach with a friend I have missed beyond measure.

I cant wait to tell you all about the goings on here, our new, well new to me, community children that attend our school (lets talk about that for a second. teeny tiny precious little babies that don't have to know you to cling to you. I have so many shadows these days), phoebe buffay, my girl kitten who turned out to be a boy, day to day life in Haiti and the GOODNESS of God that is working and moving and changing and healing, even me.

Life feels weird right now. But I trust so strongly in my God. This is so beyond me he has no choice but to come in and be everything he has promised and everything I need. The strength in my weakness, light in the darkness. If there is one thing I learned after Monday its that God has overcome. He has complete victory and his word says its ours. We share in his victory over the enemy, over the things of this world. Nothing can separate us from him, not a thing. Colossians 1:13 [The Father] HAS DELIVERED and drawn us to Himself out of the control and dominion of darkness and has transferred us into the kingdom of the Son of his love."  I can rest assured in that, that as I look around and begin to feel defeat, the Holy Spirit reminds me of what Christ has already done and the power in that act.

I am exhausted and those little ones get up early so that's all for now! Happy Friday eve!