butterflies

Earlier as I was thinking about my final pre-Haiti post I had so many brillant things to say. Unfortunately now that I have finally sat down to type them out, I cant remember any of them. All I know to say is that I leave tomorrow, well officially wednesday, and I am freaking out. This is surreal. Everyone has been incredibly just incredible. I have the best friends. They have been supportive, encouraging, prayerful, giving, and just overall excited for me. Its nice to go knowing I have a family here that has my back, especially in prayer.

As I prepare to leave- which by the way I am still not completely packed- I came up with a few goals to keep in mind.

1. Conquer my fear of spiders. Self explanatory. I hate them and I want them all to die. But they wont so I must figure out how to not care that they exist.

2. Do/try/experience 1 new thing a day. It can be food, a new place, anything- just needs to be new.

3. Ask God every morning who I need to love that day and how. Its so fun because he wants to love everyone really but always has a specific way I can get involved- this loving others thing was meant to be a partnership!

4. Learn creole- I am already on my way....bonjou, bon maten, kouman ou ye?......and that was from memory, I didnt copy it I promise.

5. Get a tan...yes...its possible. It has happened to my skin before!

6. Be positive- no complaints bad attitude or negative words in Haiti.

7. Last but not least- tell the people of Haiti about the abundant love of Jesus. It's kinda why I am going.

8. oh and....look for that new thing that I didnt expect Jesus to do that is the real reason I am going even though I think I am going because of the orphanage. You never know what Jesus has had planned all along, since before time, for you, because he loves you, and chose you, and predestined you... ;)  kinda insane.

Thats it for now. I may come up with more later....I always think of better things to say after I have said them.

Thank you in advance for your prayers, care packages :), and love. I have never been more excited in my life I dont think. I will have to remember that when I cry all the way to the airport because I am going to miss everyone ridiculously. I love you guys! See you June 21st!

taken care of

I know I am not technically in Haiti yet, or at all, but I just cant help but tell you about all the things Jesus is doing along the way. I mean seriously guys, if there is one thing I have learned in the last 4 or so years of really walking with the Lord, its that He provides. Like everything. All the time. From $1800 in one day for a trip to India (read my India blog-its an awesome story) to free coffee just when I need it or an encouraging word from a friend, he is around every corner, one step ahead, anticipating, fulfilling and making a way for all my needs to be met. He is so great. Sigh.

Getting ready for Haiti has been a whirlwind. I will confess with some reluctance that I selfishly have been worried about even materialistic things when planning. I know its crazy to worry about what you are going to wear in the poorest country of your hemisphere but nevertheless, my mind went and stayed there for some time. Anyways, from clothes to malaria pills to needed suitcases it has been a lot. For like 3 days I tried to figure it out on my own. Planned, made lists, made more lists, organized my lists, cried, stressed. Nada. I could not seem to sort anything. Then suddenly "lightbulb"- Jesus. I remembered this verse

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

So I did that.  I told God what I needed, like specifically. I started with peace and patience and faith and then moved into tangible items like a suitcase, a specific amount of $, a travel hair straightener, a head lamp, towels, etc etc. My favorite things are the promises of God. His word says he is faithful to his word, and his promises always prove true. What a relief! I mean seriously, what a relief. So I made that list in my prayer, thanked the Lord for just listening to it in general and being concerned and thoughtful of my needs ( that he already knew in advance by the way) and then went to sleep. 

This does not mean I didnt worry after that. Not at all. I had days, yesterday for example, where I had to remind my worrying flesh it was not in charge of my thoughts  and that Jesus was taking care of my needs. 

I'll skip ahead and tell you that so far, everything, EVERYTHING, from my list is accounted for. People randomly saying hey do you need this for Haiti? and me being like why yes jesus must have called you. Its been phenomenal. I love Him. Because He loves me. A few unexpected things (well to me they are unexpected) have popped up but I am assured that Jesus is handling them as well. 

So, keep praying for me! AND tell Jesus what you need. Its super simple. and what he wants us to do. He's our dad, it would hardly make sense for him to not take care of us, and enjoy doing it...right? Everyone with children should understand what I am talking about, or so I imagine.

Anyways- thats my shpeel on Jesus taking care of me. I cannot believe that I am leaving almost next week. Its like 11 days or something crazy like that. I might throw up. In a good way of course :)

Oh and- so I was listening to the radio the other day and this song came on. I was in love with the lyrics and even more so once I looked up the video and realized it was about Haiti. How crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U64bongHqYU

faith + fear + joy

Truth time: these past 2 days, with nothing to do on my hands but mentally plan out list after list of things I need to get and do, I have become overwhelmed. I am totally overwhelmed. I know God's got it, that he has gone before me, that he is mighty to save, my strong tower....BUT there is this point in time, or at least there is in my life, where my flesh and spirit are torn. I am not afraid of going and dying or anything like that. Its different than that. It is the fear that all of the sudden, in 3 weeks exactly my life will be wham- changed. Comforts, coffee and my day to day life will be gone. I know its not forever but it still gets me.

Can I be honest here? Can I tell you that I am afraid? I am afraid of the heart ache I am going to see. I am afraid of the feeling where you want so badly to help but know that you cannot help everyone. I am afraid of having ugly long hair. I am afraid of not being in church twice a week. I am afraid of being the new stupid intern who doesn't know what shes doing. I am afraid. And at first I felt bad for being afraid, like I should be completely just excited and yay this is the best thing ever. And then I realized that this fear allows for me the opportunity to use my faith. Can you imagine if I wasn't scared? I would be going on my own strength and abilities. This fear forces me to say Jesus I cannot will not refuse to go without you, without the promise that you know exactly what youre doing, where Im going and are protecting me enabling me strengthening me the whole entire time before and after.

Maybe this seems stupid but I cant help but thank God for the things in life that freak me out that he offers to take.

Psalm 34:5 " Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces."

What a promise. I am guaranteed not that I will never need help or that those who figure things out by themselves have joy- NO- I am promised that when I come to God for help I will have JOY.

I can come to him for help with Haiti and say God the idea of moving to Haiti to work with orphans is too much for mind to even think on or for my heart to process. Can you help me? That knowledge alone that he wants to help produces joy in me....then he comes in and helps and guess what...even more joy. joy joy joy.

Thats it for now. Please pray for me. Pray that I use these next 3 weeks wisely, that I work out the things in my heart that He is asking me too, that I am financially able to gather all the supplies needed and that somehow amidst it all I can tell which way is up and not freak out.

God is good, of that I am sure. I guess that is all I really need to know, right?

later gators

Hello there. I hope you are not already annoyed at the frequency with which I blog. In an attempt to not under process my experience I will absolutely be over processing.

Today was my last day at OCC. It was terribly sad and wonderfully sweet at the same time. My thought process the past 7-8 months in my position has been that I am just an associate. Just a temporary position trying to finish a project. My colleagues and leadership showed me today, with their words, kindness, hugs and yes, tears that I was more than that. It was so very humbling/ a bit embarrassing. I am so thankful for them and all the incredible lessons, advice and wisdom I learned while being around them. I value each one of their experiences overseas and the work they do to spread the love of Jesus to children everywhere.

So, after lots of tears and several goodbye surprises I feel even more empowered, even more capable to go. The Lord used all of them to speak into me, to encourage me, to bring light to areas I didnt know existed in me...things I couldnt see in myself that Jesus has been growing.

God is good. He is for our good. I am going to Haiti with that knowledge strongly fixed in my Spirit. I know that life there is different, so much harder and darker. But I know God is good. and He is for their good.

Shout out to all my office people. Thanks for letting me run around like a crazy person the past 7 months, dance dare you, get the hiccups 4 times a day and eat all the food before you can get to it.

I will miss you all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwZeCbnlCXQ