faith + fear + joy

Truth time: these past 2 days, with nothing to do on my hands but mentally plan out list after list of things I need to get and do, I have become overwhelmed. I am totally overwhelmed. I know God's got it, that he has gone before me, that he is mighty to save, my strong tower....BUT there is this point in time, or at least there is in my life, where my flesh and spirit are torn. I am not afraid of going and dying or anything like that. Its different than that. It is the fear that all of the sudden, in 3 weeks exactly my life will be wham- changed. Comforts, coffee and my day to day life will be gone. I know its not forever but it still gets me.

Can I be honest here? Can I tell you that I am afraid? I am afraid of the heart ache I am going to see. I am afraid of the feeling where you want so badly to help but know that you cannot help everyone. I am afraid of having ugly long hair. I am afraid of not being in church twice a week. I am afraid of being the new stupid intern who doesn't know what shes doing. I am afraid. And at first I felt bad for being afraid, like I should be completely just excited and yay this is the best thing ever. And then I realized that this fear allows for me the opportunity to use my faith. Can you imagine if I wasn't scared? I would be going on my own strength and abilities. This fear forces me to say Jesus I cannot will not refuse to go without you, without the promise that you know exactly what youre doing, where Im going and are protecting me enabling me strengthening me the whole entire time before and after.

Maybe this seems stupid but I cant help but thank God for the things in life that freak me out that he offers to take.

Psalm 34:5 " Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces."

What a promise. I am guaranteed not that I will never need help or that those who figure things out by themselves have joy- NO- I am promised that when I come to God for help I will have JOY.

I can come to him for help with Haiti and say God the idea of moving to Haiti to work with orphans is too much for mind to even think on or for my heart to process. Can you help me? That knowledge alone that he wants to help produces joy in me....then he comes in and helps and guess what...even more joy. joy joy joy.

Thats it for now. Please pray for me. Pray that I use these next 3 weeks wisely, that I work out the things in my heart that He is asking me too, that I am financially able to gather all the supplies needed and that somehow amidst it all I can tell which way is up and not freak out.

God is good, of that I am sure. I guess that is all I really need to know, right?