surely goodness

"Surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6

I read somewhere recently that in this particular verse, the Hebrew word for follow is radaph. Literally translated, radaph means "to pursue, to run after, to chase, to hunt down".

Though hunt down sounds a bit traumatic I really love this word, everything it entails. If I am being completely honest, as usual, lately I have not felt very chased by the goodness of God. I have felt tired, frustrated, alone, the opposite of good. But tonight as I spent some time in prayer and worship, all I could mutter was God you are good. You are so good. And His Spirit took me to this verse. That is when it came alive for me. The words I had been reading left the page and took over me. I felt chased, I felt pursued, I felt sought out, charted and tracked by the love and presence and blessing of God.

I am not just talking about blessings like wealth, and health bla bla. I am talking about his joy peace kindness love mercy. All the good stuff. The heart of what God is. It fills my stomach with butterflies to think about. That throughout my day, my sometimes tear jerking hot and sweaty day while I may be running this way or that, literally or in my heart and mind, no matter where I go, his goodness and mercy are not only behind me but they overtake me.

That my dear friends in something worth resting in. I don't want to go any further in it. I just want to sit there. Which is basically where the writer goes with that verse..."and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." When the love and grace of God overcome you, the only thing to do is rest in it, dwell in it, soak it up. It may be at 5am as your alarm goes off and you are already dreading your day. It  may be at 5pm when the kids need to be fed, and dinner isn't ready and your husband had a bad day. It may be the night before a final, a work presentation, as you travel, as you tell the children for the millionth time to not eat chalk. But it happens. It finds you. He finds you, because he knows where you are.

Surely. That word says to me with assurance, "well of course..." Of course the goodness of God is chasing you today. Of course its pursuing your every move. Surely. Because He loves you. And nothing delights him more than to overwhelm you with himself.

That is my mini thought for the day. It has nothing to do with my day except that at every challenge, road block, frustrating tear filled moment, he reminded me of his goodness pursuing me. Write it on your heart, your bathroom mirror and your dashboard. Radaph- the goodness of God chases me today.

kokoye

Let me tell you a tale about a girl who went on an adventure and now lies in bed tired beyond belief covered in aloe vera because her entire body hurts.

8:30am- Leave base ready for an adventure. With backpacks, bathing suits, snorkeling gear and tons of water, we are off to Kokoye Beach.

9:30- Arrive in TrooChouChou. The beach cannot be reached by road, only by boat or on foot so we start hiking.

Our view from the top.

The patch of white and sea of turquoise is where we are headed.

9:32- Wow, this hike is pretty steep but not too bad. I had heard horror stories of how hard it was but I think I can do this.

10:00- We make our way down to this:

Miles and miles of untouched and uninhabited beach. Secluded, quiet and perfect for my Saturday.

10:00-4:00- I floated on a float in the ocean, went for a walk and found beautiful conk shells, ate fried banana chips and then floated some more.

"I don't know what everyone was talking about with that hike. It was not that bad. I cant believe we don't come here more often....this is the most beautiful place. I am so coming here again"

4:00- Put on my tennis shoes and begin the climb back to the top. We now have to get back up to here.

4:06- "hey you guys, I can hear my heart beat in my head, I don't think that is normal"

4:07- "um can we take a break, I am going to vomit."

4:11- "Jessica you can do this, just take 100 steps and then we can stop," said Rebecca, encourager of the year.

4:11- "Has it been 100 yet?" "No, 20."

4:17- "I cant believe how hard this is. I know exactly why we don't come here more often....this place sucks. I am never coming here again."

You get the idea.

At 4:50 I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and made it to the car.

6:00- get in the shower. I have turned into a tomato. 

I look like this, lines and all going right down my side. Its like I have a bathing suit on, when I don't.

My day went from being the most serene and peaceful to h-e- double hockey stick and back. It is seriously the most beautiful beach I have ever been to and completely set away, the perfect place to relax and yet the worst hike I have ever been on. I dont think I have ever been a bigger wimp in my life.

All in all, despite its traumatic last hour and my dramatic attitude, it was a lovely day...that I will probably never experience again. The end.

take heart

This morning I woke up, like many of you did I imagine, and was quickly reminded of the date. June 21st. In case you don't know every detail concerning my life, today was my original leave Haiti date. A little bit crazy, right? Well for me it is, to think that as I type this now, 5 months ago I imagined I would be back in America, done with an "experience", eating cheeseburgers, taking hot showers, in cooler places with lighter faces. 3 weeks in to my time here, I was ready for this day. 3 months later and I was devastated thinking about it. With only 2 hours left of it, I can say that I have experienced those emotions and then some, set on repeat. Thankful, honored, humbled, tired, hungry, exhausted, excited, scared, hopeful.

It is almost comical to me to think about my first journal entry for Haiti, as I sat on the plane, my head and heart full of ideas on what these next 5 months would look like. Not only have they flown by and simultaneously dragged on in some way, but they have been nothing short of surprise after surprise, the unexpected mixed with the duh moments of "of course, I should have seen this coming".

I guess Jesus is brilliant like that. And I guess its not a guess. Because when I look back on my day, one of the most chaotic in all my histories of days here, and I think back on my first day and then factor in all those in between, the days where I thought I could stay here forever, the days I was certain I would starve, the days I knew Jesus was before and behind me, and the days where I wondered if he remembered I was here at all, the only thing that is actually certain to me about them is him.

His word says, "take heart, for I have overcome the world." My amplified version goes even further and says "deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you." I didn't believe that today. I didn't believe it yesterday. There are so many days where I wanted to crumple up my index card with this verse on it and say really God? Did you really conquer it for me, because I am feeling like the conquered one right now. Today. I wanted to do that today.  Every bit of my heart wanted to throw in the towel, say God I am tired, not the one for the job, whatever job that is, and take a nap for a month. I know I am being a bit dramatic but extreme heat and 5 months worth of rice will do that to anyone. The hard seems harder and the rough, rougher. Yet as I write this, tears pour down my face. They come from a place in my heart that whispers above all the screaming, and the fear and the chaos and says "jess, take heart. be confident, undaunted, strong." I cry because I believe it. Because even on the days when I didn't feel him, I knew and believed in my refuge. That is what I am confident in. That is what helped me sign on the dotted line for 1 more month, what allows me to believe that its all for my good, that he is constant, sovereign, in love with me, for me, my tower, the light unto my path, my dad.

I know this is a tad sappy with a side of melodramatic but its where my heart is. I wont be eating any cheeseburgers today or anytime soon for that matter, but I trust his bigger picture. (and I found Kraft mac n cheese at the gas station today AND a cherry 7up, that's whats up)

So, with that said, I am ready to see what this last month may hold. I don't want to waste this extra time I have been given nor do I want to wish it away. Whoever you are reading this, I want to say that even though I am in the driest season yet of my life and the last one to be talking right now, Jesus wants you to know that he is on your side, that his goodness and mercy are chasing after you, even and especially in your weakness. That when your weakness is heavy upon you, you can stop and praise the Lord that his strength is about to kick in and carry you over whatever it is. I believe that tonight. I may not feel like it, but I believe it. And I know that each moment I choose to believe it regardless of how I feel is another moment strengthening my faith.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [ I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you] John 16:33

monday

Today was quite the day. One of those, "oh man I did not eat enough breakfast for this" kind of day. My boss is in America again for a bit so were back to the flying solo. I feel much better about it this go around but it still makes for a more intense week.

Monday started off with the children trapping a giant (bigger than my hand) tarantula and chasing me with it. After several attempts at acting unafraid I lost it. I barricaded myself in the office and watched them put it up against the glass door. My productivity only declined from there. I called my construction friend to come over and find out where the spider was but he couldn't find it and had "quit being such a girl" to offer as his brilliant words of wisdom. I eventually left my office for lunch, only to find a crab bigger than my laptop (no exaggeration) under my desk. Other than the fishy smell, SO glad it was just a crab. Those extra 2 legs make a world of a difference.

30 minutes later I am on my way to Port-au-Prince with the same friend I asked to rescue me from the spider. A work injury is taking our day on a detour to the hospital. Halfway there we pull over to meet our American nurse so she can put his IV in. If you know me, you know this almost beats out the tarantula and as I attempt to be the brave one, I begin to get light headed. We both made it. I sang soft kitty and he ate a sucker, in the manliest and most bravest way of course.

From 3-6 we waited at the hospital. He had a few tests and ultimately was more concerned that his plans of watching Elf tonight were being ruined. I promised to act it out the entire 2 hour car ride home but I know its not the same thing.

In case you are worried, he is quite all right. He will go back in the morning for a follow up. in the meantime, I am P double O pooped. Monday has given me more than I bargained for and all I can say is that I hope tomorrow has less creepy crawlies, zero injuries and lots of Christmas cheer.

just some happenings

Good Morning everyone. It is 11:08 am on a Thursday and I am currently sitting in my bed drinking coffee. Its not a vacation day here but because my boss is great I have been given a mandatory day of rest. So happy rest day to me. That should clue you in a little bit as to why its been a while since I have posted. I feel like I say this every blog post but its been hard lately. I will get this part out of the way and just say that I have been struggling and could definitely use your prayers and encouragement. I am so excited about staying an extra month and could not imagine if I actually was leaving on June 21st as planned but I am still feeling a bit burned out. And by a bit I mean a lot. Let's just be real because that is important, especially when you're asking for prayer. I am tired, its really hot which makes all situations feel a bit more dramatic than they might be, I am feeling far from the Lord, even though I know He is nearer than I could imagine, and I ran out of snacks so I'm hangry (hunger leads to anger, hungry + angry= hangry). So that's that. I appreciate your prayers and support. I know this is all one giant process, that Jesus has not left me, that He is active in my day to day life, my heart and my development and growth. I also know that how I feel will not last forever and is key to me becoming more like Him, more pruned and therefore more effective for His kingdom, which ultimately I want all of those things.

Enough of that, lots going on here. We had the wedding 2 weekends ago. I don't really want to talk about that, too overwhelming to relive but I will say, that regardless of who I marry, I love American weddings. This thing was unreal, no offense to Haiti. The ceremony started an hour late which is apparently earlier than expected. (My wedding will start on time, we will lock the doors and you will no be allowed in...) But seriously, it gets better. Not only are there about 5 million people that walk down the aisle but they take a year and a half as they slow dance their way down together. While this is happening, every guest has popped up with their phone or other gadget and is standing in front of the people walking down the aisle trying to film their own video. Its insane. You cant see anything. there are more people in the aisle than there are in chairs. Two hours later, the short ceremony has ended and the reception begins which I really don't want to talk about. But its over so that's that. The picture below is of the reception site on the beach.

 

 

 

(All the brides walking in. It was a mass wedding, 3 couples at one time.)

Last Friday was National Donut Day in America, so in honor of donuts, America and the fatty living inside me, we made donuts and they were heaven.

My new favorite past time thanks to my Canadian friends is now hockey. And let me toot my own horn for a second, I am awesome at it. Which if you know me, coordination, athletic activities such as moving, etc. are not really my forte. But I think I've found my nitch. Only problem, I tend to get quite aggressive which leads to injuries like falling over the wall- twice- having someone land on top of me and with my profound abilities to bruise like a peach have consistently maintained 2 black and blue legs for 3 weeks now. The children are starting to get concerned lol.

I have been on a few excursions lately. The weekend of the wedding we went to a beach nearby called Taino beach. Its nice, good for snorkeling, saw a few cool fish but I'm still terrified of sharks so I didn't make it out too far. Last weekend we went to Croix de Bouquet, a town near Port-au-Prince. Here the livelihood is iron making so its tons of little shops lined up filled with iron pieces, like bowls, wall art, etc. I bought a bowl, the word Joy, and a tree thing. After that we went to the Sugar Cane Factory and had lunch. It is an absolutely beautiful place- had delicious shrimp that I had been craving for weeks- got sick off said shrimp and will now not be eating shrimp for quite a while.

 Taino Beach

 

 

 

 <--- the shrimp

 

                      (my dear Canadian friends)

 

 



The children. Lets talk about them since they are why I am here. um I love them. I just love them. They drive me crazy, are the reason I pull my hair out most days, pee on me, don't even get me started on nap time which we just instituted and has become my project (I mean seriously, don't you want to sleep, aren't you tired? I say to them, Because mama Jessica is tired and she wants to sleep so shut your eyes and go to bed) But in the same breathe I want to squeeze them, eat them, hug them forever and keep them all. We had a mothers day celebration at the end of May because that's when it is celebrated in Haiti. The kids had gotten gifts for their mamas and would come up front and say the mom they wanted to give their gift to and the mom would come up and get the gift. I was shocked when I heard my name, my heart LITERALLY melted. I will forever treasure my weird tear shaped vase filled with water and a fake flower. Oh these kids. I know I'm not a mom, by any means, so if you are a mom or have pushed a baby out of your body and know that agony, I'm not trying to take away any of those moments for you but I think I am getting a glimpse of what its like. I wake up for these kids, go to bed exhausted because of them yet am ready to do it the next day because I cant wait to see them. I would lose my life for them, cant understand why they eat chalk and make the choices they do, let them braid my hair, some days don't want to wake up to see them, but every day love them more. Its chaos and its the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sigh. I miss them today. I mean I am enjoying the quiet and the not feeling like I'm in a fish bowl (exhibit A below) but I miss them.

 

 

 

 

(Sorry they are all sideways! I am not good with the technology stuff)

I think that's all I can think of to say for now. To sum up, I feel a billion different things a day so thank God that He is in charge of my life, is never changing, has my days pre-arranged, and loves me more than I can fathom.

OH and.....so this week was Greta Van Susteren's birthday (you know Greta Home and Academy, that Greta) so the kids and I made a few things for her...you can check them out on her Fox News blog....

1. http://gretawire.foxnewsinsider.com/video/wow-check-out-this-awesome-birthday-present-from-the-children-in-haiti/
2. http://gretawire.foxnewsinsider.com/video/more-birthday-fun-thanks-to-the-children-at-greta-home-academy/
3. http://gretawire.foxnewsinsider.com/video/i-dont-think-anyone-has-ever-ever-ever-gotten-as-great-a-birthday-present-as-this-video-i-so-love-these-kids/

The first is a giant banner we made with all the kids handprints on there. It was so fun painting their hands.

 

The second video is a card I bought (not made, sorry Greta) and wrote for her from the kids. The third is a video I made on my handy dandy phone...and of course its featuring my little one at the end, be still my heart.

So that's my life in a nutshell. Tomorrow is our kindergarten graduation which will be precious and our Samaritans Purse video crew is here this week so I will be posting a link to their videos and pictures soon!

Happy Thursday!