take heart

This morning I woke up, like many of you did I imagine, and was quickly reminded of the date. June 21st. In case you don't know every detail concerning my life, today was my original leave Haiti date. A little bit crazy, right? Well for me it is, to think that as I type this now, 5 months ago I imagined I would be back in America, done with an "experience", eating cheeseburgers, taking hot showers, in cooler places with lighter faces. 3 weeks in to my time here, I was ready for this day. 3 months later and I was devastated thinking about it. With only 2 hours left of it, I can say that I have experienced those emotions and then some, set on repeat. Thankful, honored, humbled, tired, hungry, exhausted, excited, scared, hopeful.

It is almost comical to me to think about my first journal entry for Haiti, as I sat on the plane, my head and heart full of ideas on what these next 5 months would look like. Not only have they flown by and simultaneously dragged on in some way, but they have been nothing short of surprise after surprise, the unexpected mixed with the duh moments of "of course, I should have seen this coming".

I guess Jesus is brilliant like that. And I guess its not a guess. Because when I look back on my day, one of the most chaotic in all my histories of days here, and I think back on my first day and then factor in all those in between, the days where I thought I could stay here forever, the days I was certain I would starve, the days I knew Jesus was before and behind me, and the days where I wondered if he remembered I was here at all, the only thing that is actually certain to me about them is him.

His word says, "take heart, for I have overcome the world." My amplified version goes even further and says "deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you." I didn't believe that today. I didn't believe it yesterday. There are so many days where I wanted to crumple up my index card with this verse on it and say really God? Did you really conquer it for me, because I am feeling like the conquered one right now. Today. I wanted to do that today.  Every bit of my heart wanted to throw in the towel, say God I am tired, not the one for the job, whatever job that is, and take a nap for a month. I know I am being a bit dramatic but extreme heat and 5 months worth of rice will do that to anyone. The hard seems harder and the rough, rougher. Yet as I write this, tears pour down my face. They come from a place in my heart that whispers above all the screaming, and the fear and the chaos and says "jess, take heart. be confident, undaunted, strong." I cry because I believe it. Because even on the days when I didn't feel him, I knew and believed in my refuge. That is what I am confident in. That is what helped me sign on the dotted line for 1 more month, what allows me to believe that its all for my good, that he is constant, sovereign, in love with me, for me, my tower, the light unto my path, my dad.

I know this is a tad sappy with a side of melodramatic but its where my heart is. I wont be eating any cheeseburgers today or anytime soon for that matter, but I trust his bigger picture. (and I found Kraft mac n cheese at the gas station today AND a cherry 7up, that's whats up)

So, with that said, I am ready to see what this last month may hold. I don't want to waste this extra time I have been given nor do I want to wish it away. Whoever you are reading this, I want to say that even though I am in the driest season yet of my life and the last one to be talking right now, Jesus wants you to know that he is on your side, that his goodness and mercy are chasing after you, even and especially in your weakness. That when your weakness is heavy upon you, you can stop and praise the Lord that his strength is about to kick in and carry you over whatever it is. I believe that tonight. I may not feel like it, but I believe it. And I know that each moment I choose to believe it regardless of how I feel is another moment strengthening my faith.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [ I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you] John 16:33