happy new year

I think at this point its safe to say that I am officially the worst blogger ever. I have good thoughts, I know my grammar, I just can't seem to blog these days. Or in any days past that I can remember. This may end up on my new years resolutions list directly following my one and only goal for 2015: finishing a tube of chapstick in its entirety before losing it. I'm not completely convinced I've set a tangible goal for myself (talking about the chapstick here) but I think its worth while to attempt nevertheless.

As 2014 concludes, here is the mini run down of the year, that FLEW by. Does anyone else feel like this? I mean it literally just started, right? It seems like yesterday that I moved here and now its already been a whole year. In the blink of an eye I will be saying this as we countdown to 2016. Life is fast.

Anyways, 2014 was great. Quite possibly my favorite year and most challenging simultaneously. If you know anything about Haiti then I don't need to say much else for you to understand exactly what I mean. I grew. I struggled. I grew some more. Struggled a lot more. Visited America twice. Went to Ecuador and the Dominican Republic. I turned 25. I started playing the guitar. I got a little bit braver and a little bit chubbier. I made new friends, some really great new friends and lost touch with others. My hair got really long. I learned so much about my job and grew closer to my kids. I got better at Creole. I crossed a few things off my bucket list and probably added 10 more things. I hiked a volcano, saw a llama, went to South America....and I think that may be it. I cant remember anything else.

Moving to Haiti this year was the biggest leap of faith I have ever been called to. It was scary yet thrilling and the greatest opportunity thus far God has placed in front of me. That's what I remind myself of on the hard days. I remember the sleepless nights, the tear filled prayers for a world in the dark. And then God sent me, to be a light. Some days I forget that. That my sole job is to let the Light in me shine through to others. And I forget (usually when I am hungry hot or tired) that I am living in an answered prayer, a dream fulfilled. Because of His grace and goodness and mercy, for me and those around me. That is what led me to stay another year. When my flesh said GET OUT NOW my spirit said stay. When I wanted to quit and give up or believe small things don't make a difference, He reminded me otherwise.

I am really excited about next year. I have so far to go but I am going to think on how far He has brought me instead. Because, after all, HE, not me, is the Author and Finisher of my faith. I've come to learn something this year. Faith isn't so much about the things I can't see, its more about what am I choosing to see. Am I setting my eyes on things above when the things around me are either invisible or discouraging? Is my sight Kingdom focused instead of self-focused? When I make that choice, then I can be the believer in Hebrews, that "By faith overthrew kingdoms, ruled with justice, and received what God had promised them. They shut the mouths of lions, quenched the flames of fire, and escaped death by the edge of the sword. Their weakness was turned to strength. They became strong in battle and put whole armies to flight. Women received their loved ones back again from death." I may not feel strong, look strong, or really actually be strong at all. But He is making me strong in the midst of it all. That is what I count on.

Psalm 65:11- "You crown the year with Your goodness, even the hard pathways overflow with abundance" What a promise. That the inevitable hard pathways are filled with an overwhelming amount of His grace, mercy, goodness, triumph and presence.

So here's  to 2015. May it be the year of abundance, bold faith, for me, for you, whatever country you are in, whatever dream you are believing for. Let's pursue the kingdom together. Happy New Year.

a birthday blog

Well, the calendar page has turned once more and I am now 25. I feel a bit old. I am sure that offends most of my readers seeing as how you are over twice that age. But still, its the oldest I have ever been. It requires some getting used to.

Let me tell you about my day. I woke up. Riveting. Then I went to breakfast where my friend Sandy (he is our security manager and my fellow foodie) had a cheesy omelet, grits and coffee waiting for me. Then my sweet South African granny and grampy gave me gifts and a cupcake and kisses.

After that, some friends and I headed over to my house at Greta where we made amazing homemade pizza and played board games. It was so great. All I really wanted today was good food and good food is what I got.

Then we had dinner at base- lovely shepherds pie made by granny. After that church and hanging out with friends.

At 11 pm last night my friend was strumming on the guitar. I kept watching her and decided, I want to be able to do that. I was determined that before my 25th year of life, I would be able to play a song on the guitar. Sure enough, I got it, stayed up late trying to get it right and played all day. My fingers are purple, tingly and have pretty much lost all sensation. From what I've heard that is relatively normal but either way, I'm learning the guitar, and I'm pretty excited. I really like it. My fingers don't.

I felt so inspired earlier to write a post about all the blessings that came with being 24 and all that I was excited for in 25. but as I sit here, 1. I am sleepy and 2. I just think that it very simply is this: 24 was great. I moved to Haiti, struggled a lot, learned a lot and 25 is here. I am still learning, still struggling and still growing. I don't want to set these grand goals with huge marks and milestones. I want to know my God more. For my 25th year I want to pursue my God more and put off things that don't matter so much. There are lots of things I want to do- run more, eat better, play guitar like a pro, love my kids more intentionally etc etc. but those doings don't amount if I am not being the woman of God he loves me into. So 25- the year of counting it all rubbish in comparison to the incredible greatness of knowing him more and more,

Cheers to a new year, new things, and hopefully callused fingers so I can play this guitar.

***Sorry to all that I was MIA today- we had not internet! Such is life.

amazing grace

My heart is full.

I don't even know where to begin. I have mixed feelings right now- the desire to be poetic and graceful vs. shouting at the top of my lungs the beauty and joy of this day.

I have written and backspaced fifty times over and I just cant settle on words that encompass it all. How about I just tell you the story and let it speak for itself.

I have this friend. He is always happy, always encouraging other people, full of joy, the most humble servant, really funny, loyal more than likely to the death and has the best smile in Haiti. Sunday he was in a car accident that has crushed and broken many of his vertebrae. It all seemed devastating to say the least. Not only have we been praying for total healing, we have been praying for something even better- salvation. My friend isn't a believer. He's heard, he's been, its just not for him he says. For someone so dear to my heart, so full of life and love, I found it hard to believe we didn't share a Savior. The last month it has been heavy in my heart to pray for him. So I would pray, as I am sure others that know him have been doing. Then the accident. Then more prayers. Then today. After a week in the hospital and I am sure many more weeks to come, my friend in his words "has his Savior now."

Did you catch that? HE HAS JESUS! My friend that didn't now does. The hope of glory living in me now lives in him. The abundant never ending rivers of living water flow to him. What the enemy meant for harm God used for complete goodness. VICTORY.

And its hitting me like a ton of bricks. The joy of salvation as I watch someone see Jesus for the first time, confess their need for him, believe in faith he saves them. Its incredible. Jesus was something everyone had when I was growing up. I realize now more and more the weight of this, the reality of a perfect God dying for imperfect people and then putting everything good and righteous in them so they could have full eternal complete access to the Father. And my friend has that. He has it. Its more than just a heaven thing, its a thriving not just surviving in this world thing.

I am past being poetic. Real talk- salvation is everything. It should be equally as burdensome to know millions of people don't have this as it is joyful when even just one comes to him.

Today my friend said on the phone " I have my Savior now." Pure and simple. The joy of our salvation. We have a Savior.

I just wanted to tell you that. So that in your seemingly hopeless situation that you have prayed for over and over relentlessly so, you can have peace and take comfort in knowing there is hope. The last word belongs to our King. And he is not finished yet with the work he has begun. So keep praying, sowing, worshipping, believing, giving. Stand firm in the joy of your salvation. Don't get so caught up in your anointing, life purpose, dream husband, gifts and talents. We've already been given the greatest gift. Don't keep it to yourself.

I dance and rejoice with the angels tonight. Jesus has another one in the books. Victory.

I wish you were here

I wish you could spend some time in my world. So many times I wish I could put you in my pocket and take you around. They say a picture is worth a thousand words but I am consistently let down from my pictures of little ones and sunsets that never seem to say what I want to say, can never really show the beauty, the stickiness, the long hours and long hugs.

I wish you could have been with me this morning as a I woke up, made my coffee, walked out my door to an already blazing sun. As I opened my computer and began my days work only to be greeted with kisses and pleas to play bingo, at 8 am.

I wish you could have been in my office as the children tried to catch a grasshopper that was loose under my desk and nearly killed it or came to me with a baby bird in their hand, wondering what to do with it. All before lunch and anything had been crossed off my to do list.

I wish you could have been here at 4:30 pm today when I was ready to go home, the sun was blaring down on my desk and the little boys had just woken up from their naps. I really wish you could have heard the moment they discovered what happens when you stick a pencil in an oscillating fan or put paper on the back of it. I wish you could have seen the dogs reaction to being woken up with that noise.

I wish you could have walked home with me today as I was escorted by two little boys, carrying my bags and coffee cup. Their vivid imaginations had led them to tape paper wings on each others backs. The "butterfly boys", their words, not mine. I wish you could have seen them flapping their wings, each time with such enthusiasm it made you wonder if they really believed they could in fact fly.

I wish you were sitting with me now. The boys are playing soccer, the sun is setting and the dogs are barking at birds. Its calm and cool for the first time all day. As I sit here I want to take a picture but I know it would be in vain. I wanted to take a picture of the boys with their wings today but I knew it would do my heart best to put my phone away, to soak up the moment as they walked me home. Sometimes, life here is hard. And then there are nights like this where God calms my heart and my mind, uses birds and skies to remind me I'm home. This is where he wants me, where he grows me, where he loves me and where his light shines from me, for now at least. My heart is happy. I wish you could be here.

home is where the food is

A plethora of questions surfaced during my last trip home, all centered on my absence from the blog world. My apologies dedicated readers- I hardly realized people read my blog. Keeping you on the edge of your seats was unintentional and I hope to spare you of all lingering curiosities in the next few paragraphs.

I just enjoyed 12 days at home. As I am sure you are all wondering, I will go ahead and get it out of the way- I did in fact eat Chic-fil-a while home, more than once I assure you. Nothing says home like sweet tea and polynesian sauce. Among other things, I roamed Target aimlessly for hours, visited friends and family, and enjoyed driving in a land where rules apply and honking is reserved for only the crankiest of souls. I ate, ate again and then ate until I couldn't eat more, followed by a short break before enthusiastically resuming this hobby of mine. Would you like to know what I ate? I will tell you. Steak, cheeseburgers, donuts, shrimp, french toast, creamy dreamy only available in God's bless-ed South grits, pizza and pizza and pizza and peaches. I feel quite satisfied and motivated for a new phase of exercise and my daily 8 of required water. To my fried and greasy endeavors, you were fun while you lasted.

Who knew one could write so much about food? Though if you know me at all you know its my third love, right behind Jesus my King and little Haitian babies.

I realized something on this trip home. I love my family and friends. Don't get offended- I knew that before. But I found myself in an even greater awe of my community. I am so blessed with godly selfless encouraging friends, grandmas, pastors, mentors, brothers, all of you. Thank you for supporting me from afar, for helping me grow to this present season and in it, and for letting me back in every 3-6 months. Y'all are great. Every time I leave I realize more and more what I leave behind. I'll trade sadness for gratitude and thank God that whether I ever plant my feet in America again or not, he has given me so much in each of you. Geography is no more than a subject in school. (But nonetheless important so please, save yourself the embarrassment and Google Haiti before you ask me where in Africa I live. Knowledge is power people. Have some pride.)

With all that said, I am excited and ready to go back. I don't know what the next six months will look like exactly but I am believing for a few things:

1. More boldness. Let's be real. God put his Son inside of me. I can't let things, big or little, stop that flow of power in me. No enemy, bad news, humidity, nada.

2. Salvations for my staff and children

3. That I would continue to grow as a leader and invest more intentionally into this development process. For creative strategies covered in the love and grace of God to reach the children, the community and the hearts of people I lead.

4. Sincere trustworthy friendships

5. Joy joy joy

I also do so solemnly swear to blog more. Feel free to post questions on my blog- that may help me to write more.

Here's to the next 6 months. And my last 2 hours in America. Off to eat some pizza that will literally cost me my arm and right leg.

usual things

I am trying to get better about this blogging thing, not only for your sake but mine. I figure in 5 years I will probably want to look back and reflect on this season of my life. unless its anything like reliving my middle school diary, then I imagine shame upon shame.


Lets see, volunteers came and left. 2 of my dear friends have since left... :( and one more is on her way home in a few weeks. Pray for friends!


June is getting crazy and HOT. Sometimes, most of the time, I just cant think and I have to walk home to sit in my AC house so I can do something as easy as payroll.


We have the kiddos finishing school this month, kindergarten graduation- let me tell of you the preciousness this is, volunteer team #2, a visit from our IHQ guy to do some strategic brainstorming and vision casting, and I think that is it along with the regular usual craziness.


But shortly after that I will be stateside! what was my return trip home last year is now my halfway point break. It is crazy how time flies. The difference in where I am and how I feel this year is monumental. God is good. Chicken minis here I come!


Small talk- today I worked, ran, tried a new recipe...tilapia and cilantro and feta cheese etc etc. it was delish.


I think that is all- was that worth blogging? I am not quite sure. Nothing profound here. Just living the dream.

the value of volunteers

One of my current pet peeves, just under selfies and chewing with your mouth open, is this new fad I can't seem to understand. Every time I get on Facebook or Pinterest I see loads and loads of lists, blogs and personal revelations just out there for everyone to read. "23 Things to Do Before You are 23" or "30 Things to Do Before You Get Married" or "Why you Should Stay Single and Travel" and 70 million reasons why I know something you don't and therefore should blog about it. It really perturbs me. Can you tell? And yes, I realize the irony, I am blogging about how I hate blogs but its different, really it is.




A theme I have noticed quite a bit in these recent blog rants is the "Dangers of Short Term Missions". Paragraphs and piles of why volunteers, missionaries, youth groups and Americans with fannypacks and a week off of work are hurting development work around the world. As a development worker in a third world country I can definitely see a side to what they are saying. It can be challenging to invest years and years into a project only to watch a group come in for 7 days and think they have all the answers, changed the world or can fix it with a lump of money. I will be honest, I even get territorial over my children sometimes...is that wrong? And up until 8 days ago I would have said that for the most part I completely supported the abolition of short term missions. 8 days ago I was wrong and I will tell you why, without a list.




Let me go ahead and preface my reasons with a disclaimer of sorts. Short term trips, just like anything in life, have the potential to be great or a total flop. The difference is always made in the will of God. Groups coming down willy nilly just to have a "world experience", because its the cool new thing to "have a heart for the nations" or to make themselves feel better are more than likely not helping. Yes, your money is helpful. But I can see the argument of this being a hurt more than a help when you come with the wrong mindset. Anything not done in love is done wrong. Plain and simple.
On the contrary, when a team comes, no matter how long or short, whatever their resources or experience, when God has ordained their trip, when they desire to love and please him, they will be a blessing.


The team we had last week is the quintessential example of this. I will be honest- I completely expected to be worn out and exhausted from a week of volunteers. Instead, they left me feeling refreshed, loved and honored. I sobbed as I watched them drive away, realizing I had friends leaving instead of volunteers. What they were able to do in such a short time frame amazed me. So often teams comes down, want to play with some little kids, take pictures of babies, lay some mulch, act like they were a huge blessing to us, and then leave, taking with them pictures and leaving with us only balloons and candy. This team didn't just focus on the cute easy activities and children but sought each day to love our staff, our teenagers, to teach, enrich and honor us. They didn't presume they were stronger Christians than the Haitians, that they were blessing us. They served. They brought us joy. A fresh zeal that you can easily lose when you are in a challenging environment every day with the same people who are in the same challenging boat as you. I cannot say enough about this team. I cannot explain well enough the seeds they sewed into the hearts of our children, the deposits they made of eternal value and impact.


Workers cant do everything. We imagine volunteers have a limited perspective from not really knowing the country, its people or its issues. But sometimes the limited perspectives come from the workers, blinded by the same situations and struggles they encounter every day. Sometimes it takes new eyes, fresh hearts and energy brought by volunteers to revive a ministry and its staff.


Relief work is life changing, for everyone involved. But I would never be here if it were not for the 10 short term trips I took before this. The Lord didn't just wake me up one day and say "hey move to this foreign country for a year". I would have said in the most respectful way- heck no Jesus, heck no. And thank God he didn't. He gracefully gave me years and years to grow in my love and experiences and calling for what I do now. And I am sure my time here is doing that even more for the future things to come. I would never want to take that opportunity away from someone else. There is a beauty to be found in the eyes of someone on their first mission trip, experiencing the love of God in such a new and intense way. Watching their hearts break for others, for the kingdom, is an honor and I have no right as a long term worker to devalue that.


I could go on and on but I think you get my point. We are all kingdom workers, all part of the master plan to bring people into salvation, to spread the good news, to be the light and the salt, the hands and feet. We CANNOT do it without each other.


There it is. My hypocritical self revelation rant on why an organization needs its volunteers. Why Jesus created us all differently with different purposes that all go towards the same purpose. Why I miss my team and how I have 8 new friends that feel like family.

updates

Yikes. Exactly two months since I last blogged. I hardly even remembered I had a blog until my little brother mentioned he had been checking and I had not been writing. He is sweet. So here you go JR, this one is for you.


Two months in Haiti most often times feels like a blur. I can barely remember yesterday let alone last month. April was busy- trying to get ready for my vacation while the children had a two week vacation from school. Some days it was pure madness. But I made it to my dream get away, 10 days in the Dominican Republic with my dear friend. We ate, slept, played Rummikub, had people bring us trays of food in the pool while we slept and played Rummikub, dressed up, went to Jazz shows, got tan, watched the Food Network, it was GLORIOUS. I don't think I have sat down for that long in years, maybe ever. My one recommendation to myself in retrospect from that trip would be to never, no matter how cheap it may be, take a bus from one country to another. 10 hours, on a bus, with one bathroom, with lots of people, crazy driving, sketchy borders, sketchy people. Pay the money, get a plane. Never underestimate the value of a good toilet experience.


May. May has been pretty great actually. Part of my position here is hosting and coordinating volunteer teams that come throughout the year. This year we have around 7 that will be gracing us for 2 weeks at a time. This is our first year of VTs without construction and last week we hosted our first 2014 team and my first team ever as coordinator. I cannot even being to say or adequately express the blessing this team was to me, Penny, and our GHA family. I will post about that in a separate blog later. What a week.


So that's where we are now. My dear friend Laura comes TOMORROW for a bit over a week visit and I CANNOT WAIT. It is quite wonderful timing really, minus the virus that is being spread around Haiti right now from mosquitoes. Please pray for protection over our staff and children. Several already have it and there is no cure. It is not fatal but its not pleasant and has year long effects.


Some things you can pray for me right now, if you'll allow me to be greedy for a moment:


1. Friendship- Sometimes living and working with 100 people makes it harder to realize how lonely you actually feel. It is very easy to get caught up in my work my kids my life here and not even notice I am in need of friendship, Godly women I can talk to about the challenges and struggles of my life here but also someone I can just laugh with and be refreshed by. In the last week I have had 5 friends, one being my closest friend, leave, and there are a few more leaving within the next month. So pray that Jesus sends someone my way!


2. Continued protection and safety for me, the staff, all SP workers and our children.


3. Pray for my boss Penny.


4. And as always, pray for Haiti, for them to experience the abounding love of God.

mini little update

I realize it has been quite a while since I have written anything here. This last month has been a bit of a whirlwind so I will give you a quick update, just in case you are interested...mom. :)


1. do you remember that dreaded beach from last year I swore I would never go to again because of the awful hike? I went there 2 weeks ago. it was just as awful as I remembered, but I am sure through some means of peer pressure, I will go again.


2. I started my bible study with the teenage girls at Greta a few weeks ago, and you are absolutely welcome to pray for that. I am writing my own AND doing it in another language- praise Yahweh for the Holy Spirit, am I right??? But more than anything, pray these girls grow each week in their knowledge of God, his everlasting and unfailing love for them.


3. I started working out, yes, me. Can you believe it? Each day I run a mile and do a workout from this 30 day challenge I found on Pinterest- whilst searching for cake recipes mind you. It has been a great de-stresser though I must say, when you are stressed because of your 70 children and you are running in the same compound around those 70 children it kind of negates the purpose. I never fail to find a few minutes in a trail of tag-a-longs, without shoes, without breath, panting with all they've got. its quite precious and always spurs me on to run even more.


4. I started the above #3 because, in 27 days from today I will be headed to the DR for a dream vacation. What I imagine to be a magical, tropical, 10 days of nothing- laying by the pool, eating things, reading things, going to the beach, going to sleep, waking up, repeat as needed.


5. We got an ice cream maker. It is probably the best thing and yet the greatest enemy of #3. Today we made peppermint patty ice cream- me zanmi it was good.


6. the babies are good- precious- wonderful- the joy of my days- the gray hairs that are popping up on my head.


I think that is a fairly accurate summary of my time here without getting into the nitty gritty of what is really going on, in my heart and day to day walk here. Can I tell you the truth? Can I admit that at least once a day I feel like giving up? You know all those verses you read about testing and patience and endurance and refinement and being made perfect and complete lacking nothing? If you are anything like me you read them and agree wholeheartedly and think why yes of course, I can do that, for the joy set before me! then life, and the enemy and trials and situations are before behind and around you and you have to decide what is going to win. will you allow yourself to be perfected? To be made into his image, to have your patience and endurance developed in you, to exercise your love muscle (cough cough Gracie)? When the fear is great will your faith be greater? it sounds like a pinterest pin which makes me almost hate it but its true even when its overused.


My boss bought this bible storybook for kids in English and creole. Most nights I make my way over to one of the little peoples room and read them a story from it. Its quite a marvelous book and we have taken to reading it ourselves, without the children each night. The other night we were reading through most of the Old Testament. Story after story depicted normal ordinary people in ridiculous situations, called by God to respond in giant faith so he could get amazing glory. the result was the same every time. They were victorious and he was made famous. I thought about the situations I am currently in, the things that keep me up at night or anxious during the day and I realized that this God who literally shut the mouths of lions that could have mauled Daniel to death, the one who parted an OCEAN while the greatest army in the world was chasing these worn out ex-slaves in the desert, that God is my God. His word is either true or it isn't. Period.


His word, partnered with our faith, walked out in love, all because of his love is the answer you guys. Spoiler alert- that is the answer. those three together are unbreakable and undeniable. It is not easy but it is simple. and through the power of jesus and the grace his spirit provides, we can do it. I can do it.


Anyways- that's my mini pep talk at 11 pm at night. there is always so much more I want to say but cant seem to articulate. this will have to do for now. I did 50 burpees today- if you don't know what those are google them- if Satan created a workout... So I am tired and ready for some work and then bed.


Thanks for your prayers, comments of encouragement and love from afar.

victory

Every day is a choice. Every day we have the opportunity to choose love over hate, peace over fear, strength over weakness. To love (overwhelmingly, heapingly so) our enemies, pray diligently for the lost, to give grace mercy and kindness. We can see the joy set before us or allow the dark of the moment to overshadow the Truth.


It is the opposite of easy. I am experiencing that myself this very moment. The hurt, exhaustion, frustration, may all be valid, but it is temporary. His word, His promises, His love, His victory are eternal and they are what I stand on.


I am writing this all for me not you. I need to see these words, remind myself of what I know, what I typed a few weeks ago about dealing with the dark in order to be the light. Nobody tells you that its hard, but I will tell you that you probably aren't doing much of anything where you are if its not. Resistance comes when you're making a difference. Remember, the enemy comes to steal and kill and destroy. Once you get the word in you, don't be surprised that he comes straight for it, hoping it has yet to take root. Stupid devil. Lets start recognizing the strategies of the enemy so we aren't mistaken about how to fight back. Lets start praying in advance, preparing for things to come, arming ourselves with the full power we have been given to stand in! Lets do something about the Kingdom we were given, let us fight for the souls that belong to the Lord. Let us honor our King with our lives, regardless of cost.

The Word says "for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour." Never have I experienced this more in my life.

BUT then I remember this "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of ...good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]" AND this "Yet the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen [you] and set you on a firm foundation and guard you from the evil [one]." 

Love is hard but its powerful. Its the perfect strategy and never loses, each and every time.

He is faithful. He is greater. He is stronger. He wears the victors crown. "His power no foe can withstand" Praise Jesus.

sticky hands

I wouldn't trade this life for anything. That seems to be the only sentence I currently can complete. I keep typing it and re-typing it hoping better words will come. My thoughts are overwhelmed with where I am, the things I used to think mattered most, and the very people that I can now not imagine my life without.


This time last year, I would have traded it all for a cheeseburger. I would have said no to the sweaty weather, the temper tantrums, spiders, chaos, and in purging that lost the little joys, little people, little sticky hands that always seem to find a way into mine. I would have missed that hug and that kiss, or that letter or that time we did homework for 4 hours, in French, when I don't speak French. I would have missed the 70 best things that ever happened to me. And even though some days it feels like the 70 loudest most insane dirtiest things, they are mine. Or better yet, I am theirs. They have me in every way, I am completely baited and hooked to their lives, past, present and future.


There are ample days where I walk to my house and wonder how in the world did I make a difference today? I should have stayed in America eating cheeseburgers. But for every day like that there is one around the corner, filled with fruit. Precious moments where a child lets you know that if you were not here, it would make a difference to them. And that sounds obvious to you, because you see my pictures and you know I am a relatively nice person and you think of course Jessica is making a difference. (Don't believe all the pictures, 5 seconds later they morph into tazmanian devils :) ) Yet oddly enough I have never felt "called" to children, never professionally studied them, really have no qualifying experience other than that one time I was one. The crazy thing I have discovered is that it so often feels reverse. There is not one child I can imagine my life without, not one little voice, personality that doesn't make a difference to me now. It sounds like a number but its my heart.


This may sound a bit melo-dramatic all laid out but I love my kids. Because they're mine. I am not a mom, I have never known THAT pain. But I ache when they hurt, I wash the Cheetos off their face, and nothing has ever sounded the way my name does on their lips. Nothing feels like the moment I pull into work and see my littlest one waiting for me, or the way he walks me to my house each night and sits at the stoop as long as he can get away with it.


So in case you are worried about me, wonder why I am here, what the heck I am doing, don't worry, I think all those things too. But it vanishes when I am with them. When the work is piling up and I am overwhelmed my answer is to swing, to play, to enjoy the lives I am here for. I could stand on a street corner and shout the name of Jesus and yell the Bible to unopened hearts and I wouldn't do as much as I did by holding them today, by listening to their stories, by kissing their foreheads, letting them know they matter, they are important, my life is forever different and better because they are in it.


Pray for my kids. Pray that they know the depths heights widths of God's love for them. That they are rooted and grounded in that love, for healing in their hearts, healing in their bodies, protection, grace and compassion to surround them. I am confident that though they may seem random, God chose each one of them to be in this home, chose each of us working with them and He has big things in store for their lives.


Today we had our monthly birthday party. My darling dear turned 4. He is our littlest one and I just cannot believe how quickly they grow. I will never again tease my mother for those public moments she became a story teller of my most embarrassing memories, younger years and how tightly she clung to them. I will never be too cool for you mom, just as I hope I never see the day that I turn the corner and I don't have at least one chubby smile waiting for me in the driveway, one sweet little hand to hold mine and walk me home.

just some happenings

First of all, sorry you cannot see the pictures from last weeks post. I will work on that though in theory I really have no technological intelligence.


This week was very busy, very crazy but still full of good things and sweet moments.


Monday I traveled to Port-au-Prince to get my permis de sejour, my one year visa to live here.


Tuesday I don't remember. Wednesday, oh Wednesday my friends Robert and Nicole came over to my house at Greta and we made pizza and cupcakes and played speed scrabble. It was so great, felt like real life.


Thursday, that was yesterday, um, oh yes my friend Kristen had her bachelorette party in Gran Gwav. I can say that is my first bachelorette party in Haiti. It was really fun and so great to spend time with some friends I had not seen in a while.


Today. Today I drove for the first time in Haiti. Oh man, I am not going to lie and pretend like it was super normal and easy. I definitely screamed a few times and wanted to pull over and quit but nevertheless I passed my driving test and will practice as much as I can. I feel like I'm 15 again and have never driven but I know by the blood of the lamb I will survive and figure it all out.


Tomorrow we will all to go Gran Gwav for my friends wedding and then I plan on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. :)


That is all I can remember for now, I am so tired and happy to be back on base though a gecko just pooped on my pillow so there's that to deal with.


Anyways, all is well. Jesus is so good and I am more than in love with my kids. We had ice cream for valentines day so all is right with the world.


:)

my monday in pictures

Disclaimer: our internet was down for about 2 days so pardon this for being late.


Yikes today was hard. It was the kind of hard that comes naturally from being around 70 children constantly. I was sitting on my bed exhausted and a teensy bit frustrated about my day when I looked at my phone and saw some pictures I took earlier. Instant perspective. Instant reminder of how much I love my kids, how being loved by them far outweighs any mishaps, frustrations, heat, hunger, mosquitoes this life could throw at me. Here they are in chronological order...if my internet will let them load in a timely manner.








ok so this first one doesn't feel so much like a blessing....I remembered this morning that I left a diet coke in our community freezer last night during the super bowl party. MAJOR oops. Missed devotions trying to clean it up before I left for work.

this one is cute. this precious one spilt some of my drink on the floor so I handed him a cleaning wipe and showed him how to get it up. 10 seconds later I turn around and he is intently cleaning his shoes.




He was so proud.

Then I got to put this together up on the wall of our little boys room. they loved it. we named the boy monkey kevin.

After lunch photo shoot with my munchkin.

He always wants me to take his picture from the side. Im not quite sure why. Im pretty insecure about my side profile but he doesn't seem to be. (the other kids look says it all)

I'm hoping he is pretending to be a dinosaur but my instincts tell me he is just being himself.

such a great big brother.

all the toy bikes are taken. ill just ride phoebe. don't worry, I saved the cat before any harm was done.

and then jesus.

and this face for the win....

banana bread

Tonight I planned on writing part 2 of what the Lord showed me yesterday, ya know, light in the dark. Instead I made banana bread, almost blew up our kitchen (don't worry, I still have my eye brows) and am about to go to bed.


The very thing I challenged myself and you readers on yesterday I was faced with today. Would I maintain my light in the dark, shine when it was hard? Being the light isn't being a Christian solely, that is simply step 1. Its obeying whatever God is asking you to do even when you've been wronged, when you are disrespected, being humble, walking in love when its not returned and unnoticed.


So today I had that choice. I could get offended, grumbly, entitled, or option b: let the holy spirit help me. I cant say that I 100% made the right choice and walked it out with flying colors. But I do know that when I felt like I was about to blow it, the Holy Spirit came in to be my helper, just like he loves to do.


The very thing I had prayed this morning, "Lord show me specific ways to be the light" was real. It was hard but he did as he promised and helped me through. Either way, its almost Friday, I have the Holy Spirit, banana bread and our house wasn't leveled when we tried to light the pilot light. I would call that success.


He surely is good.

light in the dark

Once more Jesus addressed the crowd. He said, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me will not be walking in the dark, but will have the Light which is Life. John 8:12

 

There is this song we sing at church, In Jesus Name, by Darlene Z… however you spell her last name. The climax of the song goes like this “God is fighting for us, pushing back the darkness, lighting up the kingdom that cannot be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and we will shout it out, shout it out.” I am a huge fan of this song, not necessarily how high I have to sing when we do it but the message behind it. I caught it the first time we practiced it and the revelation has stayed with me. I sing it in my head or out loud at least once a day here and its words have carried so much power for me.  Today I came face to face with the reality of those words, the reality of darkness. We like to sing songs like this because it promises light and Jesus and power but I guess I never really thought about what happens when I’m in the dark. I was singing this from my lit up world where the people I surrounded myself with knew Jesus and believed what I did.  I sang it this morning in a place where light was dim, where it seemed as though maybe the darkness would win. It’s strange. We know it, we are told about it by Jesus himself, that we are the salt and the light, a city on a hill. Yet often times I find my own heart shying away from the darkness. After all, how could one little light like myself really make much of a difference? I am just one light, and though I am not the only one here, I still feel out numbered.

I was talking to the Lord about this today, asking him why certain things happen the way they do, hurt, suffering, why the people I see every day have so much pain, or hatred or darkness. I came to a place in my time with him where my humanity became ever so real. I so long and pray to be used and sent and world changing. And it’s sincere. Sometimes I think I forget though that light can’t stay in lit places. That I shouldn’t be surprised when I encounter the darkness.  And we sing about being light and being bright and never take into account the darkness we must face. It’s not easy. Darkness seems to prevail, it seems to be bigger and greater. But I am here to remind you and myself that it isn’t. And the bottom basic mere line here is that I was not called to shy away from it. To be the light you have to deal with the dark. We want to be the light from a distance but it doesn’t work that way. A candle lights up exactly what is surrounding it. I cant put a candle in one room and expect it to show me anything in another. God has put me smack dab in the dark. My flesh, the Jessica in me wants to panic, get overwhelmed, frustrated, fearful and yet the God in me says remember “God is fighting for you, pushing back the darkness, lighting up a kingdom that CANNOT be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and I WILL shout it out.”

Today is bizarre, stretching beyond what I thought I was prepared to bear. BUT I am not on my own, after all I am not the light because of anything I am. I am the light because of the light in me, the light of the world, the hope of this world. He is in me and he is shining, through crappy situations that make me want to scream and run the other direction. He shines through my words, my actions, my silence when I could speak, my mercy and my humility. Realities like this are hard. They force us out of comfortable places, causing us to evaluate what is really in our hearts. Its always easier to stay where you blend in, its always easier to stay where there is light, always.  But God has asked of us otherwise. He has commanded us to the dark places, in Boone, in North Carolina, in Haiti, every bit of everywhere. It’s a daily choice and it never FEELS easy. But his grace is abounding. And his word is full of promises. “No, despite all these things, OVERWHELMING victory is ours through Christ Jesus who loved us.” Romans 8:37. Boom. There it is. How can you even argue with a promise that solid and good. He knew the examples that would cause us to doubt it, the darkness that would hinder us from seeing it. But he knows the end, he gives the victory to us now.

I say all this to myself, to remind myself tonight that my prayers are powerful, my words carry life, and that my spirit has the same power that rose jesus from the grave. No power can stand against him. “No one after he has lighted a lamp covers it with a vessel or puts it under a [dining table] couch; but he puts it on a lampstand, that those who come in may see the light.” Luke 8:16. Jesus didn’t put his light in you so you could keep it to yourself. It’s there for others and to give him glory. Sing the song from VBS, soak up his word, and let it shine.

week deux

I feel like I should blog because I haven't this week but I hardly feel like I have much to say at this point. Week 1 is complete, only 51 to go, but whose counting anyways?






I have spent most of my time at JAX (our main SP base on the beach) but will be at Greta the rest of the week. I've already baked a few times, cinnamon rolls and the best brownies ever, just in case you wondering.




My day to day has been mostly working at Greta, finagling (fenagaling...how do you spell that word? Is it actually a word?) my way through my new role. If you are interested in praying for me, which, why wouldn't you be, since it works incredibly, I could use prayer in this category. I hardly feel qualified for the job I am in, in fact I often wonder why they hired me. I don't have a lot of experience, I didn't study anything related to this and I'm only 24. It is intimidating at times to think of the task ahead of me, knowing that I do want to do well for these kids, provide the best support possible for my executive director and ultimately please the Lord in all I do. Sweet Jesus gently reminded me last night that none of those above reasons are actually reasons at all and that he chose me because I will obey him, because I desire to do what he has asked. I am not allowed to speak negatively about myself, my abilities or seemingly lack there of. What I am allowed to do is found in Colossians 2:3. "In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Seek him. Search out the hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge that are so beyond me yet completely accessible to me through him.






Anyways, today I went to Petit Guave and opened my Haitian bank account. We are required to do this in order to get our permis de sejour (visa). And then I worked, did zumba, ate French fries, made brownies and played speed scrabble. Just in case you wanted my full schedule.






If you have any questions about anything, whoever you readers are, please feel free to ask and I will tell you all about whatever it is.






And to relieve any fears of any certain relatives I may have, I am feeling 100% better, back to my normal self.


Oh one more thing, if you are interested in seeing how you can donate or get involved in things we need here, let me know. :)






Last but definitely not least, the best part of my everyday and the first boy to ask me to marry him since I was in kindergarten....

a new familiar

It is a surreal thing to be posting on this blog again. When I left 6 months ago I wasn't sure this would happen or if I even wanted it to. But after a tough but good season of learning, struggling, growing, processing, here I am, back in my Caribbean home. I'm at the end of day 3 and I would say at this point little has gone according to plan. Well, my plan at least.

Travel down here was one for the books. When Gracie prayed for me at my going away festivities for people on the plane that could encourage me etc I could not even foresee what that would be. Long story short, after moving seats 3 times, I ended up next to a girl that I would never have guessed was a God send. She prayed with me the entire flight down as I experienced medical issues, held my hand, joined me in my faith. I spent the first night on the phone with our nurse in another city and woke up early the next day to go straight back to Port-au-Prince for a few tests. Don't freak out, I am fine. But those were not my favorite days. I am feeling much better, have enjoyed 2 full days with my babies and am staying at Greta for the first time tonight in my new house.

The not so good:

1. Change is hard. Life happens, people come and go and people going has always been hard for me. When you have experienced something only one way to return and find it completely different it can be unsettling. Many of the people I came to know and love at base have left, and though we have so many great new faces, its still weird.

2. I forgot what mosquitoes were. So much to the point that I did not bring a drop of bug spray. Luckily we have it around here by the gallons so I am covered, but still. The first bite was quite a shock.

3. Cold showers, with mosquitoes. I forgot about those too.

The great:

1. My kids. Oh my, the first hugs were sweet. Every morning when I see them its like they have forgotten all over again that I am here and we get to have the same excited exchange. I still can hardly believe I'm back, sitting with them, holding them, playing silly games, asking them what's in their mouth, kissing them goodnight. It's the good kind of weird. They have all grown up so much since I left but still have the same laughs, quirks, habits, personalities that I love about them. Get ready for picture overload of crumb covered faces.  

2. My house- holy moly, Jesus is so sweet. Favorite colors, great kitchen, can you say BATH TUB, hot shower, incredible. More than I would have even thought to ask for which makes it an even greater gift.

3.Sunsets over the ocean. Did you see the one I posted on facebook? They are just heavenly.

4. No more snow!

I want to say thank you so much everyone for all of your prayers. Continue to pray for me as I transition into my new role here. Pray that Jesus would reveal to me the specific things he has already placed in me that I can do here, gifts I was created to use. Pray for continued protection, health, joy, determination, vision. It has been a whirlwind of a week and I am very much looking forward to a relaxing weekend at the beach with a friend I have missed beyond measure.

I cant wait to tell you all about the goings on here, our new, well new to me, community children that attend our school (lets talk about that for a second. teeny tiny precious little babies that don't have to know you to cling to you. I have so many shadows these days), phoebe buffay, my girl kitten who turned out to be a boy, day to day life in Haiti and the GOODNESS of God that is working and moving and changing and healing, even me.

Life feels weird right now. But I trust so strongly in my God. This is so beyond me he has no choice but to come in and be everything he has promised and everything I need. The strength in my weakness, light in the darkness. If there is one thing I learned after Monday its that God has overcome. He has complete victory and his word says its ours. We share in his victory over the enemy, over the things of this world. Nothing can separate us from him, not a thing. Colossians 1:13 [The Father] HAS DELIVERED and drawn us to Himself out of the control and dominion of darkness and has transferred us into the kingdom of the Son of his love."  I can rest assured in that, that as I look around and begin to feel defeat, the Holy Spirit reminds me of what Christ has already done and the power in that act.

I am exhausted and those little ones get up early so that's all for now! Happy Friday eve!