burnt banana bread

I'm arguably too emotional to be blogging right now but I want to remember this well.

I just told the kids I'm leaving. It felt like I had intentionally set out to hurt each one of them. The looks on their faces, the confusion in their voices... they looked at me the way they do when I tell them they cant play bingo because its not Friday. Devastation.

And I burned the cheer me up banana bread I was baking to, go figure, cheer me up. No amount of baked goods can cure this heart right now. It sounds dramatic but I literally just told my 62 tender hearts that I am leaving in 2 months. In a life where few things are constant and few places for them are safe, I have just removed one for them.

The beautiful thing I will say before I fall into a spiral of sobs and snot was when the open door to share with them about Jesus. They questioned why I was leaving, why God asked me too, if I was SURE it was His voice, how did I hear from Him, what was it like...... so I told them about our dear Dad, who loves to talk to His kids, to hear from them, to hear their questions and answer, who sees us every day, whose voice we were created to know. It was such a protected moment. I had full access to their ears and He had full access to their hearts.

Afterwards I went and read to the little boys, read about David and Goliath and believing God can do big impossible things- through US no doubt, and the story of Saul and Ananias, the importance of obeying God even when its scary- we never know what He could be up to, then I kissed them goodnight, told them how special they were to me, tucked them in and walked home (only to discover said banana bread was burnt).

This weird life. I don't even know how to process this and it would seem I have chosen the ever so trustworthy internet in my meek attempt.

From good to good we trust. We set up camp where God places us and we pack our bags when He moves us. We don't know the wheres or whys but we trust Him. We don't know the who's or hows but we love Him. We will never cease to find him trustworthy- the beautiful combination of a King who is not only willing to help his people but capable. In a world where many are often one or the other, He is both.

So I set my sights on his grace- to cover these precious hearts and to cover mine. To answer our questions with peace and calm our fears with perfect love. Obedience. You find the best things in there. But ultimately, it is there we find Him.

good to good

I just had this realization moment that 2 months from now I wont be able to write on this blog anymore so I should probably take advantage of it while I can.

Truth be told I am sobbing at my computer. I just started writing what will be one letter to every child and employee here. I can't even. I should have known better than to start with my letter to Dave. Eesh.

(Tomorrow I am telling the kids.....)

I have been so focused on the excitement of a new season that I failed to notice I would be letting this one go. And while I KNOW with my knower in my spirit that leaving is right, I know some days its going to feel really wrong. I remember the first goodbye- I had only been here for 6 months and yet I felt like I was falling apart. 3 years later I am saying good bye again, good bye to the best gift God ever gave me. To children that might as well have come from my womb. To a season of harsh growth and expedited learning. To sunny Saturdays at my favorite beach, coconut in hand.

It's best this way- to leave with a full heart, content, thankful. When I look back on it all, it's all I can muster to say- thankful.

Thank you God for beautiful friendships.
Situations that stretched me.
People that challenged me.
Seasons that grew me.
Produced fruit.
Children that loved me, that taught me how to be a mom.
For fears we overcame, songs we sang, heartaches survived.
Things I never imagined I could do.
Dreams conceived. Grown. Harvested.
Bravery.

This I will say- 3 years later- I KNOW my God. Before I lived vicariously through the experiences of others, through their words over my life and insight into His word. Now, nothing and no one could convince me of his love, his father heart, my position as a daughter, his power, steadfastness, patience, faithfulness, like He can. I have seen him for myself. And I love him. I would not trade that for any lack of trial and hardship, ever.

What lies ahead is beautiful. What I am coming out of is beautiful the same. It's a lovely thing, this walk with the Father, to go from good to good, perfect to perfect, covered place to covered place. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart can conceive..."