Yikes. Exactly two months since I last blogged. I hardly even remembered I had a blog until my little brother mentioned he had been checking and I had not been writing. He is sweet. So here you go JR, this one is for you.
Two months in Haiti most often times feels like a blur. I can barely remember yesterday let alone last month. April was busy- trying to get ready for my vacation while the children had a two week vacation from school. Some days it was pure madness. But I made it to my dream get away, 10 days in the Dominican Republic with my dear friend. We ate, slept, played Rummikub, had people bring us trays of food in the pool while we slept and played Rummikub, dressed up, went to Jazz shows, got tan, watched the Food Network, it was GLORIOUS. I don't think I have sat down for that long in years, maybe ever. My one recommendation to myself in retrospect from that trip would be to never, no matter how cheap it may be, take a bus from one country to another. 10 hours, on a bus, with one bathroom, with lots of people, crazy driving, sketchy borders, sketchy people. Pay the money, get a plane. Never underestimate the value of a good toilet experience.
May. May has been pretty great actually. Part of my position here is hosting and coordinating volunteer teams that come throughout the year. This year we have around 7 that will be gracing us for 2 weeks at a time. This is our first year of VTs without construction and last week we hosted our first 2014 team and my first team ever as coordinator. I cannot even being to say or adequately express the blessing this team was to me, Penny, and our GHA family. I will post about that in a separate blog later. What a week.
So that's where we are now. My dear friend Laura comes TOMORROW for a bit over a week visit and I CANNOT WAIT. It is quite wonderful timing really, minus the virus that is being spread around Haiti right now from mosquitoes. Please pray for protection over our staff and children. Several already have it and there is no cure. It is not fatal but its not pleasant and has year long effects.
Some things you can pray for me right now, if you'll allow me to be greedy for a moment:
1. Friendship- Sometimes living and working with 100 people makes it harder to realize how lonely you actually feel. It is very easy to get caught up in my work my kids my life here and not even notice I am in need of friendship, Godly women I can talk to about the challenges and struggles of my life here but also someone I can just laugh with and be refreshed by. In the last week I have had 5 friends, one being my closest friend, leave, and there are a few more leaving within the next month. So pray that Jesus sends someone my way!
2. Continued protection and safety for me, the staff, all SP workers and our children.
3. Pray for my boss Penny.
4. And as always, pray for Haiti, for them to experience the abounding love of God.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
mini little update
I realize it has been quite a while since I have written anything here. This last month has been a bit of a whirlwind so I will give you a quick update, just in case you are interested...mom. :)
1. do you remember that dreaded beach from last year I swore I would never go to again because of the awful hike? I went there 2 weeks ago. it was just as awful as I remembered, but I am sure through some means of peer pressure, I will go again.
2. I started my bible study with the teenage girls at Greta a few weeks ago, and you are absolutely welcome to pray for that. I am writing my own AND doing it in another language- praise Yahweh for the Holy Spirit, am I right??? But more than anything, pray these girls grow each week in their knowledge of God, his everlasting and unfailing love for them.
3. I started working out, yes, me. Can you believe it? Each day I run a mile and do a workout from this 30 day challenge I found on Pinterest- whilst searching for cake recipes mind you. It has been a great de-stresser though I must say, when you are stressed because of your 70 children and you are running in the same compound around those 70 children it kind of negates the purpose. I never fail to find a few minutes in a trail of tag-a-longs, without shoes, without breath, panting with all they've got. its quite precious and always spurs me on to run even more.
4. I started the above #3 because, in 27 days from today I will be headed to the DR for a dream vacation. What I imagine to be a magical, tropical, 10 days of nothing- laying by the pool, eating things, reading things, going to the beach, going to sleep, waking up, repeat as needed.
5. We got an ice cream maker. It is probably the best thing and yet the greatest enemy of #3. Today we made peppermint patty ice cream- me zanmi it was good.
6. the babies are good- precious- wonderful- the joy of my days- the gray hairs that are popping up on my head.
I think that is a fairly accurate summary of my time here without getting into the nitty gritty of what is really going on, in my heart and day to day walk here. Can I tell you the truth? Can I admit that at least once a day I feel like giving up? You know all those verses you read about testing and patience and endurance and refinement and being made perfect and complete lacking nothing? If you are anything like me you read them and agree wholeheartedly and think why yes of course, I can do that, for the joy set before me! then life, and the enemy and trials and situations are before behind and around you and you have to decide what is going to win. will you allow yourself to be perfected? To be made into his image, to have your patience and endurance developed in you, to exercise your love muscle (cough cough Gracie)? When the fear is great will your faith be greater? it sounds like a pinterest pin which makes me almost hate it but its true even when its overused.
My boss bought this bible storybook for kids in English and creole. Most nights I make my way over to one of the little peoples room and read them a story from it. Its quite a marvelous book and we have taken to reading it ourselves, without the children each night. The other night we were reading through most of the Old Testament. Story after story depicted normal ordinary people in ridiculous situations, called by God to respond in giant faith so he could get amazing glory. the result was the same every time. They were victorious and he was made famous. I thought about the situations I am currently in, the things that keep me up at night or anxious during the day and I realized that this God who literally shut the mouths of lions that could have mauled Daniel to death, the one who parted an OCEAN while the greatest army in the world was chasing these worn out ex-slaves in the desert, that God is my God. His word is either true or it isn't. Period.
His word, partnered with our faith, walked out in love, all because of his love is the answer you guys. Spoiler alert- that is the answer. those three together are unbreakable and undeniable. It is not easy but it is simple. and through the power of jesus and the grace his spirit provides, we can do it. I can do it.
Anyways- that's my mini pep talk at 11 pm at night. there is always so much more I want to say but cant seem to articulate. this will have to do for now. I did 50 burpees today- if you don't know what those are google them- if Satan created a workout... So I am tired and ready for some work and then bed.
Thanks for your prayers, comments of encouragement and love from afar.
1. do you remember that dreaded beach from last year I swore I would never go to again because of the awful hike? I went there 2 weeks ago. it was just as awful as I remembered, but I am sure through some means of peer pressure, I will go again.
2. I started my bible study with the teenage girls at Greta a few weeks ago, and you are absolutely welcome to pray for that. I am writing my own AND doing it in another language- praise Yahweh for the Holy Spirit, am I right??? But more than anything, pray these girls grow each week in their knowledge of God, his everlasting and unfailing love for them.
3. I started working out, yes, me. Can you believe it? Each day I run a mile and do a workout from this 30 day challenge I found on Pinterest- whilst searching for cake recipes mind you. It has been a great de-stresser though I must say, when you are stressed because of your 70 children and you are running in the same compound around those 70 children it kind of negates the purpose. I never fail to find a few minutes in a trail of tag-a-longs, without shoes, without breath, panting with all they've got. its quite precious and always spurs me on to run even more.
4. I started the above #3 because, in 27 days from today I will be headed to the DR for a dream vacation. What I imagine to be a magical, tropical, 10 days of nothing- laying by the pool, eating things, reading things, going to the beach, going to sleep, waking up, repeat as needed.
5. We got an ice cream maker. It is probably the best thing and yet the greatest enemy of #3. Today we made peppermint patty ice cream- me zanmi it was good.
6. the babies are good- precious- wonderful- the joy of my days- the gray hairs that are popping up on my head.
I think that is a fairly accurate summary of my time here without getting into the nitty gritty of what is really going on, in my heart and day to day walk here. Can I tell you the truth? Can I admit that at least once a day I feel like giving up? You know all those verses you read about testing and patience and endurance and refinement and being made perfect and complete lacking nothing? If you are anything like me you read them and agree wholeheartedly and think why yes of course, I can do that, for the joy set before me! then life, and the enemy and trials and situations are before behind and around you and you have to decide what is going to win. will you allow yourself to be perfected? To be made into his image, to have your patience and endurance developed in you, to exercise your love muscle (cough cough Gracie)? When the fear is great will your faith be greater? it sounds like a pinterest pin which makes me almost hate it but its true even when its overused.
My boss bought this bible storybook for kids in English and creole. Most nights I make my way over to one of the little peoples room and read them a story from it. Its quite a marvelous book and we have taken to reading it ourselves, without the children each night. The other night we were reading through most of the Old Testament. Story after story depicted normal ordinary people in ridiculous situations, called by God to respond in giant faith so he could get amazing glory. the result was the same every time. They were victorious and he was made famous. I thought about the situations I am currently in, the things that keep me up at night or anxious during the day and I realized that this God who literally shut the mouths of lions that could have mauled Daniel to death, the one who parted an OCEAN while the greatest army in the world was chasing these worn out ex-slaves in the desert, that God is my God. His word is either true or it isn't. Period.
His word, partnered with our faith, walked out in love, all because of his love is the answer you guys. Spoiler alert- that is the answer. those three together are unbreakable and undeniable. It is not easy but it is simple. and through the power of jesus and the grace his spirit provides, we can do it. I can do it.
Anyways- that's my mini pep talk at 11 pm at night. there is always so much more I want to say but cant seem to articulate. this will have to do for now. I did 50 burpees today- if you don't know what those are google them- if Satan created a workout... So I am tired and ready for some work and then bed.
Thanks for your prayers, comments of encouragement and love from afar.
Friday, February 21, 2014
victory
Every day is a choice. Every day we have the opportunity to choose love over hate, peace over fear, strength over weakness. To love (overwhelmingly, heapingly so) our enemies, pray diligently for the lost, to give grace mercy and kindness. We can see the joy set before us or allow the dark of the moment to overshadow the Truth.
It is the opposite of easy. I am experiencing that myself this very moment. The hurt, exhaustion, frustration, may all be valid, but it is temporary. His word, His promises, His love, His victory are eternal and they are what I stand on.
I am writing this all for me not you. I need to see these words, remind myself of what I know, what I typed a few weeks ago about dealing with the dark in order to be the light. Nobody tells you that its hard, but I will tell you that you probably aren't doing much of anything where you are if its not. Resistance comes when you're making a difference. Remember, the enemy comes to steal and kill and destroy. Once you get the word in you, don't be surprised that he comes straight for it, hoping it has yet to take root. Stupid devil. Lets start recognizing the strategies of the enemy so we aren't mistaken about how to fight back. Lets start praying in advance, preparing for things to come, arming ourselves with the full power we have been given to stand in! Lets do something about the Kingdom we were given, let us fight for the souls that belong to the Lord. Let us honor our King with our lives, regardless of cost.
Love is hard but its powerful. Its the perfect strategy and never loses, each and every time.
He is faithful. He is greater. He is stronger. He wears the victors crown. "His power no foe can withstand" Praise Jesus.
It is the opposite of easy. I am experiencing that myself this very moment. The hurt, exhaustion, frustration, may all be valid, but it is temporary. His word, His promises, His love, His victory are eternal and they are what I stand on.
I am writing this all for me not you. I need to see these words, remind myself of what I know, what I typed a few weeks ago about dealing with the dark in order to be the light. Nobody tells you that its hard, but I will tell you that you probably aren't doing much of anything where you are if its not. Resistance comes when you're making a difference. Remember, the enemy comes to steal and kill and destroy. Once you get the word in you, don't be surprised that he comes straight for it, hoping it has yet to take root. Stupid devil. Lets start recognizing the strategies of the enemy so we aren't mistaken about how to fight back. Lets start praying in advance, preparing for things to come, arming ourselves with the full power we have been given to stand in! Lets do something about the Kingdom we were given, let us fight for the souls that belong to the Lord. Let us honor our King with our lives, regardless of cost.
The Word says "for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour." Never have I experienced this more in my life.
BUT then I remember this "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of ...good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]" AND this "Yet the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen [you] and set you on a firm foundation and guard you from the evil [one]."
BUT then I remember this "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of ...good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]" AND this "Yet the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen [you] and set you on a firm foundation and guard you from the evil [one]."
Love is hard but its powerful. Its the perfect strategy and never loses, each and every time.
He is faithful. He is greater. He is stronger. He wears the victors crown. "His power no foe can withstand" Praise Jesus.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
sticky hands
I wouldn't trade this life for anything. That seems to be the only sentence I currently can complete. I keep typing it and re-typing it hoping better words will come. My thoughts are overwhelmed with where I am, the things I used to think mattered most, and the very people that I can now not imagine my life without.
This time last year, I would have traded it all for a cheeseburger. I would have said no to the sweaty weather, the temper tantrums, spiders, chaos, and in purging that lost the little joys, little people, little sticky hands that always seem to find a way into mine. I would have missed that hug and that kiss, or that letter or that time we did homework for 4 hours, in French, when I don't speak French. I would have missed the 70 best things that ever happened to me. And even though some days it feels like the 70 loudest most insane dirtiest things, they are mine. Or better yet, I am theirs. They have me in every way, I am completely baited and hooked to their lives, past, present and future.
There are ample days where I walk to my house and wonder how in the world did I make a difference today? I should have stayed in America eating cheeseburgers. But for every day like that there is one around the corner, filled with fruit. Precious moments where a child lets you know that if you were not here, it would make a difference to them. And that sounds obvious to you, because you see my pictures and you know I am a relatively nice person and you think of course Jessica is making a difference. (Don't believe all the pictures, 5 seconds later they morph into tazmanian devils :) ) Yet oddly enough I have never felt "called" to children, never professionally studied them, really have no qualifying experience other than that one time I was one. The crazy thing I have discovered is that it so often feels reverse. There is not one child I can imagine my life without, not one little voice, personality that doesn't make a difference to me now. It sounds like a number but its my heart.
This may sound a bit melo-dramatic all laid out but I love my kids. Because they're mine. I am not a mom, I have never known THAT pain. But I ache when they hurt, I wash the Cheetos off their face, and nothing has ever sounded the way my name does on their lips. Nothing feels like the moment I pull into work and see my littlest one waiting for me, or the way he walks me to my house each night and sits at the stoop as long as he can get away with it.
So in case you are worried about me, wonder why I am here, what the heck I am doing, don't worry, I think all those things too. But it vanishes when I am with them. When the work is piling up and I am overwhelmed my answer is to swing, to play, to enjoy the lives I am here for. I could stand on a street corner and shout the name of Jesus and yell the Bible to unopened hearts and I wouldn't do as much as I did by holding them today, by listening to their stories, by kissing their foreheads, letting them know they matter, they are important, my life is forever different and better because they are in it.
Pray for my kids. Pray that they know the depths heights widths of God's love for them. That they are rooted and grounded in that love, for healing in their hearts, healing in their bodies, protection, grace and compassion to surround them. I am confident that though they may seem random, God chose each one of them to be in this home, chose each of us working with them and He has big things in store for their lives.
Today we had our monthly birthday party. My darling dear turned 4. He is our littlest one and I just cannot believe how quickly they grow. I will never again tease my mother for those public moments she became a story teller of my most embarrassing memories, younger years and how tightly she clung to them. I will never be too cool for you mom, just as I hope I never see the day that I turn the corner and I don't have at least one chubby smile waiting for me in the driveway, one sweet little hand to hold mine and walk me home.
This time last year, I would have traded it all for a cheeseburger. I would have said no to the sweaty weather, the temper tantrums, spiders, chaos, and in purging that lost the little joys, little people, little sticky hands that always seem to find a way into mine. I would have missed that hug and that kiss, or that letter or that time we did homework for 4 hours, in French, when I don't speak French. I would have missed the 70 best things that ever happened to me. And even though some days it feels like the 70 loudest most insane dirtiest things, they are mine. Or better yet, I am theirs. They have me in every way, I am completely baited and hooked to their lives, past, present and future.
There are ample days where I walk to my house and wonder how in the world did I make a difference today? I should have stayed in America eating cheeseburgers. But for every day like that there is one around the corner, filled with fruit. Precious moments where a child lets you know that if you were not here, it would make a difference to them. And that sounds obvious to you, because you see my pictures and you know I am a relatively nice person and you think of course Jessica is making a difference. (Don't believe all the pictures, 5 seconds later they morph into tazmanian devils :) ) Yet oddly enough I have never felt "called" to children, never professionally studied them, really have no qualifying experience other than that one time I was one. The crazy thing I have discovered is that it so often feels reverse. There is not one child I can imagine my life without, not one little voice, personality that doesn't make a difference to me now. It sounds like a number but its my heart.
This may sound a bit melo-dramatic all laid out but I love my kids. Because they're mine. I am not a mom, I have never known THAT pain. But I ache when they hurt, I wash the Cheetos off their face, and nothing has ever sounded the way my name does on their lips. Nothing feels like the moment I pull into work and see my littlest one waiting for me, or the way he walks me to my house each night and sits at the stoop as long as he can get away with it.
So in case you are worried about me, wonder why I am here, what the heck I am doing, don't worry, I think all those things too. But it vanishes when I am with them. When the work is piling up and I am overwhelmed my answer is to swing, to play, to enjoy the lives I am here for. I could stand on a street corner and shout the name of Jesus and yell the Bible to unopened hearts and I wouldn't do as much as I did by holding them today, by listening to their stories, by kissing their foreheads, letting them know they matter, they are important, my life is forever different and better because they are in it.
Pray for my kids. Pray that they know the depths heights widths of God's love for them. That they are rooted and grounded in that love, for healing in their hearts, healing in their bodies, protection, grace and compassion to surround them. I am confident that though they may seem random, God chose each one of them to be in this home, chose each of us working with them and He has big things in store for their lives.
Today we had our monthly birthday party. My darling dear turned 4. He is our littlest one and I just cannot believe how quickly they grow. I will never again tease my mother for those public moments she became a story teller of my most embarrassing memories, younger years and how tightly she clung to them. I will never be too cool for you mom, just as I hope I never see the day that I turn the corner and I don't have at least one chubby smile waiting for me in the driveway, one sweet little hand to hold mine and walk me home.
Friday, February 14, 2014
just some happenings
First of all, sorry you cannot see the pictures from last weeks post. I will work on that though in theory I really have no technological intelligence.
This week was very busy, very crazy but still full of good things and sweet moments.
Monday I traveled to Port-au-Prince to get my permis de sejour, my one year visa to live here.
Tuesday I don't remember. Wednesday, oh Wednesday my friends Robert and Nicole came over to my house at Greta and we made pizza and cupcakes and played speed scrabble. It was so great, felt like real life.
Thursday, that was yesterday, um, oh yes my friend Kristen had her bachelorette party in Gran Gwav. I can say that is my first bachelorette party in Haiti. It was really fun and so great to spend time with some friends I had not seen in a while.
Today. Today I drove for the first time in Haiti. Oh man, I am not going to lie and pretend like it was super normal and easy. I definitely screamed a few times and wanted to pull over and quit but nevertheless I passed my driving test and will practice as much as I can. I feel like I'm 15 again and have never driven but I know by the blood of the lamb I will survive and figure it all out.
Tomorrow we will all to go Gran Gwav for my friends wedding and then I plan on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. :)
That is all I can remember for now, I am so tired and happy to be back on base though a gecko just pooped on my pillow so there's that to deal with.
Anyways, all is well. Jesus is so good and I am more than in love with my kids. We had ice cream for valentines day so all is right with the world.
:)
This week was very busy, very crazy but still full of good things and sweet moments.
Monday I traveled to Port-au-Prince to get my permis de sejour, my one year visa to live here.
Tuesday I don't remember. Wednesday, oh Wednesday my friends Robert and Nicole came over to my house at Greta and we made pizza and cupcakes and played speed scrabble. It was so great, felt like real life.
Thursday, that was yesterday, um, oh yes my friend Kristen had her bachelorette party in Gran Gwav. I can say that is my first bachelorette party in Haiti. It was really fun and so great to spend time with some friends I had not seen in a while.
Today. Today I drove for the first time in Haiti. Oh man, I am not going to lie and pretend like it was super normal and easy. I definitely screamed a few times and wanted to pull over and quit but nevertheless I passed my driving test and will practice as much as I can. I feel like I'm 15 again and have never driven but I know by the blood of the lamb I will survive and figure it all out.
Tomorrow we will all to go Gran Gwav for my friends wedding and then I plan on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. :)
That is all I can remember for now, I am so tired and happy to be back on base though a gecko just pooped on my pillow so there's that to deal with.
Anyways, all is well. Jesus is so good and I am more than in love with my kids. We had ice cream for valentines day so all is right with the world.
:)
Friday, February 7, 2014
my monday in pictures
Disclaimer: our internet was down for about 2 days so pardon this for being late.
Yikes today was hard. It was the kind of hard that comes naturally from being around 70 children constantly. I was sitting on my bed exhausted and a teensy bit frustrated about my day when I looked at my phone and saw some pictures I took earlier. Instant perspective. Instant reminder of how much I love my kids, how being loved by them far outweighs any mishaps, frustrations, heat, hunger, mosquitoes this life could throw at me. Here they are in chronological order...if my internet will let them load in a timely manner.
ok so this first one doesn't feel so much like a blessing....I remembered this morning that I left a diet coke in our community freezer last night during the super bowl party. MAJOR oops. Missed devotions trying to clean it up before I left for work.
this one is cute. this precious one spilt some of my drink on the floor so I handed him a cleaning wipe and showed him how to get it up. 10 seconds later I turn around and he is intently cleaning his shoes.
He was so proud.
Then I got to put this together up on the wall of our little boys room. they loved it. we named the boy monkey kevin.
After lunch photo shoot with my munchkin.
He always wants me to take his picture from the side. Im not quite sure why. Im pretty insecure about my side profile but he doesn't seem to be. (the other kids look says it all)
I'm hoping he is pretending to be a dinosaur but my instincts tell me he is just being himself.
such a great big brother.
all the toy bikes are taken. ill just ride phoebe. don't worry, I saved the cat before any harm was done.
and then jesus.
and this face for the win....
Yikes today was hard. It was the kind of hard that comes naturally from being around 70 children constantly. I was sitting on my bed exhausted and a teensy bit frustrated about my day when I looked at my phone and saw some pictures I took earlier. Instant perspective. Instant reminder of how much I love my kids, how being loved by them far outweighs any mishaps, frustrations, heat, hunger, mosquitoes this life could throw at me. Here they are in chronological order...if my internet will let them load in a timely manner.
ok so this first one doesn't feel so much like a blessing....I remembered this morning that I left a diet coke in our community freezer last night during the super bowl party. MAJOR oops. Missed devotions trying to clean it up before I left for work.
this one is cute. this precious one spilt some of my drink on the floor so I handed him a cleaning wipe and showed him how to get it up. 10 seconds later I turn around and he is intently cleaning his shoes.
He was so proud.
Then I got to put this together up on the wall of our little boys room. they loved it. we named the boy monkey kevin.
After lunch photo shoot with my munchkin.
He always wants me to take his picture from the side. Im not quite sure why. Im pretty insecure about my side profile but he doesn't seem to be. (the other kids look says it all)
I'm hoping he is pretending to be a dinosaur but my instincts tell me he is just being himself.
such a great big brother.
all the toy bikes are taken. ill just ride phoebe. don't worry, I saved the cat before any harm was done.
and then jesus.
and this face for the win....
Thursday, January 30, 2014
banana bread
Tonight I planned on writing part 2 of what the Lord showed me yesterday, ya know, light in the dark. Instead I made banana bread, almost blew up our kitchen (don't worry, I still have my eye brows) and am about to go to bed.
The very thing I challenged myself and you readers on yesterday I was faced with today. Would I maintain my light in the dark, shine when it was hard? Being the light isn't being a Christian solely, that is simply step 1. Its obeying whatever God is asking you to do even when you've been wronged, when you are disrespected, being humble, walking in love when its not returned and unnoticed.
So today I had that choice. I could get offended, grumbly, entitled, or option b: let the holy spirit help me. I cant say that I 100% made the right choice and walked it out with flying colors. But I do know that when I felt like I was about to blow it, the Holy Spirit came in to be my helper, just like he loves to do.
The very thing I had prayed this morning, "Lord show me specific ways to be the light" was real. It was hard but he did as he promised and helped me through. Either way, its almost Friday, I have the Holy Spirit, banana bread and our house wasn't leveled when we tried to light the pilot light. I would call that success.
He surely is good.
The very thing I challenged myself and you readers on yesterday I was faced with today. Would I maintain my light in the dark, shine when it was hard? Being the light isn't being a Christian solely, that is simply step 1. Its obeying whatever God is asking you to do even when you've been wronged, when you are disrespected, being humble, walking in love when its not returned and unnoticed.
So today I had that choice. I could get offended, grumbly, entitled, or option b: let the holy spirit help me. I cant say that I 100% made the right choice and walked it out with flying colors. But I do know that when I felt like I was about to blow it, the Holy Spirit came in to be my helper, just like he loves to do.
The very thing I had prayed this morning, "Lord show me specific ways to be the light" was real. It was hard but he did as he promised and helped me through. Either way, its almost Friday, I have the Holy Spirit, banana bread and our house wasn't leveled when we tried to light the pilot light. I would call that success.
He surely is good.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
light in the dark
Once more Jesus addressed the crowd. He said, I am the Light of the
world. He who follows Me will not be walking in the dark, but will have the Light
which is Life. John 8:12
There is this song we sing at church, In Jesus Name, by
Darlene Z… however you spell her last name. The climax of the song goes like this “God is
fighting for us, pushing back the darkness, lighting up the kingdom that cannot
be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and we will shout it out,
shout it out.” I am a huge fan of this song, not necessarily how high I have to
sing when we do it but the message behind it. I caught it the first time we
practiced it and the revelation has stayed with me. I sing it in my head or out
loud at least once a day here and its words have carried so much power for
me. Today I came face to face with the
reality of those words, the reality of darkness. We like to sing songs like
this because it promises light and Jesus and power but I guess I never really
thought about what happens when I’m in the dark. I was singing this from my lit
up world where the people I surrounded myself with knew Jesus and believed what
I did. I sang it this morning in a place
where light was dim, where it seemed as though maybe the darkness would win. It’s
strange. We know it, we are told about it by Jesus himself, that we are the
salt and the light, a city on a hill. Yet often times I find my own heart
shying away from the darkness. After all, how could one little light like myself
really make much of a difference? I am just one light, and though I am not the
only one here, I still feel out numbered.
I was talking to the
Lord about this today, asking him why certain things happen the way they do,
hurt, suffering, why the people I see every day have so much pain, or hatred or
darkness. I came to a place in my time with him where my humanity became ever
so real. I so long and pray to be used and sent and world changing. And it’s
sincere. Sometimes I think I forget though that light can’t stay in lit places.
That I shouldn’t be surprised when I encounter the darkness. And we sing about being light and being bright
and never take into account the darkness we must face. It’s not easy. Darkness seems
to prevail, it seems to be bigger and greater. But I am here to remind you and
myself that it isn’t. And the bottom basic mere line here is that I was not
called to shy away from it. To be the light you have to deal with the dark. We want
to be the light from a distance but it doesn’t work that way. A candle lights
up exactly what is surrounding it. I cant put a candle in one room and expect
it to show me anything in another. God has put me smack dab in the dark. My
flesh, the Jessica in me wants to panic, get overwhelmed, frustrated, fearful
and yet the God in me says remember “God is fighting for you, pushing back the
darkness, lighting up a kingdom that CANNOT be shaken. In the name of Jesus,
enemy’s defeated, and I WILL shout it out.”
Today is bizarre, stretching beyond what I thought I was prepared
to bear. BUT I am not on my own, after all I am not the light because of
anything I am. I am the light because of the light in me, the light of the
world, the hope of this world. He is in me and he is shining, through crappy
situations that make me want to scream and run the other direction. He shines
through my words, my actions, my silence when I could speak, my mercy and my
humility. Realities like this are hard. They force us out of comfortable
places, causing us to evaluate what is really in our hearts. Its always easier
to stay where you blend in, its always easier to stay where there is light,
always. But God has asked of us
otherwise. He has commanded us to the dark places, in Boone, in North Carolina,
in Haiti, every bit of everywhere. It’s a daily choice and it never FEELS easy.
But his grace is abounding. And his word is full of promises. “No, despite all
these things, OVERWHELMING victory is ours through Christ Jesus who loved us.”
Romans 8:37. Boom. There it is. How can you even argue with a promise that
solid and good. He knew the examples that would cause us to doubt it, the
darkness that would hinder us from seeing it. But he knows the end, he gives
the victory to us now.
I say all this to myself, to remind myself tonight that my
prayers are powerful, my words carry life, and that my spirit has the same
power that rose jesus from the grave. No power can stand against him. “No one
after he has lighted a lamp covers it with a vessel or puts it under a
[dining table] couch; but he puts it on a lampstand, that those who come in may
see the light.” Luke 8:16. Jesus didn’t put his light in you so you
could keep it to yourself. It’s there for others and to give him glory. Sing
the song from VBS, soak up his word, and let it shine.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
week deux
I feel like I should blog because I haven't this week but I hardly feel like I have much to say at this point. Week 1 is complete, only 51 to go, but whose counting anyways?
I have spent most of my time at JAX (our main SP base on the beach) but will be at Greta the rest of the week. I've already baked a few times, cinnamon rolls and the best brownies ever, just in case you wondering.
My day to day has been mostly working at Greta, finagling (fenagaling...how do you spell that word? Is it actually a word?) my way through my new role. If you are interested in praying for me, which, why wouldn't you be, since it works incredibly, I could use prayer in this category. I hardly feel qualified for the job I am in, in fact I often wonder why they hired me. I don't have a lot of experience, I didn't study anything related to this and I'm only 24. It is intimidating at times to think of the task ahead of me, knowing that I do want to do well for these kids, provide the best support possible for my executive director and ultimately please the Lord in all I do. Sweet Jesus gently reminded me last night that none of those above reasons are actually reasons at all and that he chose me because I will obey him, because I desire to do what he has asked. I am not allowed to speak negatively about myself, my abilities or seemingly lack there of. What I am allowed to do is found in Colossians 2:3. "In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Seek him. Search out the hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge that are so beyond me yet completely accessible to me through him.
Anyways, today I went to Petit Guave and opened my Haitian bank account. We are required to do this in order to get our permis de sejour (visa). And then I worked, did zumba, ate French fries, made brownies and played speed scrabble. Just in case you wanted my full schedule.
If you have any questions about anything, whoever you readers are, please feel free to ask and I will tell you all about whatever it is.
And to relieve any fears of any certain relatives I may have, I am feeling 100% better, back to my normal self.
Oh one more thing, if you are interested in seeing how you can donate or get involved in things we need here, let me know. :)
Last but definitely not least, the best part of my everyday and the first boy to ask me to marry him since I was in kindergarten....
I have spent most of my time at JAX (our main SP base on the beach) but will be at Greta the rest of the week. I've already baked a few times, cinnamon rolls and the best brownies ever, just in case you wondering.
My day to day has been mostly working at Greta, finagling (fenagaling...how do you spell that word? Is it actually a word?) my way through my new role. If you are interested in praying for me, which, why wouldn't you be, since it works incredibly, I could use prayer in this category. I hardly feel qualified for the job I am in, in fact I often wonder why they hired me. I don't have a lot of experience, I didn't study anything related to this and I'm only 24. It is intimidating at times to think of the task ahead of me, knowing that I do want to do well for these kids, provide the best support possible for my executive director and ultimately please the Lord in all I do. Sweet Jesus gently reminded me last night that none of those above reasons are actually reasons at all and that he chose me because I will obey him, because I desire to do what he has asked. I am not allowed to speak negatively about myself, my abilities or seemingly lack there of. What I am allowed to do is found in Colossians 2:3. "In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Seek him. Search out the hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge that are so beyond me yet completely accessible to me through him.
Anyways, today I went to Petit Guave and opened my Haitian bank account. We are required to do this in order to get our permis de sejour (visa). And then I worked, did zumba, ate French fries, made brownies and played speed scrabble. Just in case you wanted my full schedule.
If you have any questions about anything, whoever you readers are, please feel free to ask and I will tell you all about whatever it is.
And to relieve any fears of any certain relatives I may have, I am feeling 100% better, back to my normal self.
Oh one more thing, if you are interested in seeing how you can donate or get involved in things we need here, let me know. :)
Last but definitely not least, the best part of my everyday and the first boy to ask me to marry him since I was in kindergarten....
Thursday, January 23, 2014
a new familiar
It is a surreal thing to be posting on this blog again. When I left 6 months ago I wasn't sure this would happen or if I even wanted it to. But after a tough but good season of learning, struggling, growing, processing, here I am, back in my Caribbean home. I'm at the end of day 3 and I would say at this point little has gone according to plan. Well, my plan at least.
Travel down here was one for the books. When Gracie prayed for me at my going away festivities for people on the plane that could encourage me etc I could not even foresee what that would be. Long story short, after moving seats 3 times, I ended up next to a girl that I would never have guessed was a God send. She prayed with me the entire flight down as I experienced medical issues, held my hand, joined me in my faith. I spent the first night on the phone with our nurse in another city and woke up early the next day to go straight back to Port-au-Prince for a few tests. Don't freak out, I am fine. But those were not my favorite days. I am feeling much better, have enjoyed 2 full days with my babies and am staying at Greta for the first time tonight in my new house.
The not so good:
1. Change is hard. Life happens, people come and go and people going has always been hard for me. When you have experienced something only one way to return and find it completely different it can be unsettling. Many of the people I came to know and love at base have left, and though we have so many great new faces, its still weird.
2. I forgot what mosquitoes were. So much to the point that I did not bring a drop of bug spray. Luckily we have it around here by the gallons so I am covered, but still. The first bite was quite a shock.
3. Cold showers, with mosquitoes. I forgot about those too.
The great:
1. My kids. Oh my, the first hugs were sweet. Every morning when I see them its like they have forgotten all over again that I am here and we get to have the same excited exchange. I still can hardly believe I'm back, sitting with them, holding them, playing silly games, asking them what's in their mouth, kissing them goodnight. It's the good kind of weird. They have all grown up so much since I left but still have the same laughs, quirks, habits, personalities that I love about them. Get ready for picture overload of crumb covered faces.
2. My house- holy moly, Jesus is so sweet. Favorite colors, great kitchen, can you say BATH TUB, hot shower, incredible. More than I would have even thought to ask for which makes it an even greater gift.
3.Sunsets over the ocean. Did you see the one I posted on facebook? They are just heavenly.
4. No more snow!
I want to say thank you so much everyone for all of your prayers. Continue to pray for me as I transition into my new role here. Pray that Jesus would reveal to me the specific things he has already placed in me that I can do here, gifts I was created to use. Pray for continued protection, health, joy, determination, vision. It has been a whirlwind of a week and I am very much looking forward to a relaxing weekend at the beach with a friend I have missed beyond measure.
I cant wait to tell you all about the goings on here, our new, well new to me, community children that attend our school (lets talk about that for a second. teeny tiny precious little babies that don't have to know you to cling to you. I have so many shadows these days), phoebe buffay, my girl kitten who turned out to be a boy, day to day life in Haiti and the GOODNESS of God that is working and moving and changing and healing, even me.
Life feels weird right now. But I trust so strongly in my God. This is so beyond me he has no choice but to come in and be everything he has promised and everything I need. The strength in my weakness, light in the darkness. If there is one thing I learned after Monday its that God has overcome. He has complete victory and his word says its ours. We share in his victory over the enemy, over the things of this world. Nothing can separate us from him, not a thing. Colossians 1:13 [The Father] HAS DELIVERED and drawn us to Himself out of the control and dominion of darkness and has transferred us into the kingdom of the Son of his love." I can rest assured in that, that as I look around and begin to feel defeat, the Holy Spirit reminds me of what Christ has already done and the power in that act.
I am exhausted and those little ones get up early so that's all for now! Happy Friday eve!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)