Everyone seems to be under the same impression that when I dont blog I must be dead. I am happy to dissolve any worries you might have. I am alive today. And well. Since I dont like pretending I'll just be honest. I have been struggling. I am not homesick, I'm not missing my favorite foods or wishing I could get a pedicure. For some reason I just forgot a lot of things lately. I forgot who I was, what Jesus said about me, about my purpose and about my victory. For the first time I wanted to give up. I sat in church on sunday and just thought to myself what if I didnt do this....what if I just finished my 5 months here, hung out at base, did my "job", then came home and was a wedding planner. I could marry a guy who believed in Jesus, plan weddings all day and be comfortable. I wouldnt have to worry about people who dont know Jesus because I know him so I'll just reserve my seat in heaven and that be that. 5 seconds later I knew I would never do that but still. It seemed enticing in the moment. Even though I know I'm not going to do that, the temptation is still there to be in Haiti and not be obedient. Let me just say that moving to Haiti was step one in obedience. I still have to choose each day to obey God or not. You may not believe me but you can come to Haiti, fall into a routine and be comfortable. Its true. You stay at base, you eat your food each day, go to your job, hang out with your friends and not worry about the people on the other side of your fence. It happens every day and its easy to do. I know because I've been doing it. Not a lot, and not everyday but some. Some days you just want to check out and pretend like all this hurting, all this suffering does not exist. The other night I was coming back from a community event in another city and we were in quite the scary situation. I was nervous and I could tell others in my car were too so I just started praying and didnt stop until we were home. In that moment I decided something. If I am going to live here, some days risk my safety, every day sacrifice my comfort and desires, I am going to obey God. I didnt fly 5 hours to say no, to not obey the holy spirit and not listen to what he wants me to do. Lets be honest, I could do that in the states while eating a cheeseburger and taking a hot shower. If Im going to disobey Him I might as well go home. Otherwise Im wasting my time.
In recent days I cannot believe the amount of encouragement I have gotten, from a few people here and from some friends back home. One friend in particular said something to me that stuck. "the holy spirit doesnt make it easy, it makes it possible." I have been sittng here for like 3 weeks now thinking that I am failing because its hard. Like it should be easy because I have the holy spirit and know the word. Reality check- sometimes things are going to be hard, and thats good for me. It doesnt make me a failure, it doesnt mean I dont know Jesus, it doesnt mean I'm missing it. I cant believe I forgot that, that I didnt realize I was doing what he wanted me to just by loving the people I am with daily. Its so true, so simple. As christians, especially when you are working in a ministry its so easy to get so consumed by ministry. Everywhere you go you feel like if youre not stopping to tell people about jesus then you arent doing your job. You forget that your life is supposed to be that ministry. that by being me, i am doing the work of God. thats why he asked me to come. thats why he asked you to work at verizon, or to work at SP or to....excuse me. I had to get up and kill another tarantula. even more evidence that i should just go home if im not in it to win it. i hate them. i have killed 5. be proud. they have all been babies but that works because i am a total baby. anyways, i dont know if all that made sense. it did in my head but somehow it doesnt always sounds the same on paper. i am feeling very encouraged today, God's grace is allowing me to see the truth. that i make a difference here, that i am able through him. that my time is not in vain and obedience means doing all things with love.
so there you go. i am alive, learning, and joyful. theres so much going on in my brain and it feels rather difficult to form a complete thought. i miss you guys a lot but in 1 month from today i will be on american soil stuffing my face with all things wonderful. ok. time to go. someone has covered their face entirely with green chalk and is wearing my sunglasses. one of those moments where its just to cute to do anything but laugh and maybe make him wash it off.
i hope you all have a great day. thanks for being my friends and for reading my blog.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
mini update
just a mini update here. friday after i finished writing my latest post, instead of making my flourless chocolate torte, i got the stomach virus. yay. i spent friday night and saturday being sick. and let me just say without going into too much detail, when you are sick, and your bathroom is a minute walk away, bad things happen. there were many times i didnt make it and was found throwing up behind a palm tree by one of the security guards. oh me. it is what it is. i am feeling much better today, hungry more than anything.
thats about all i have for now. the video i wanted to show you wont load.i will probably try again later. for now i will be resting, doing laundry, and for the 4th time this morning, trying to kill a line of ants that has made their way into my room.
thats about all i have for now. the video i wanted to show you wont load.i will probably try again later. for now i will be resting, doing laundry, and for the 4th time this morning, trying to kill a line of ants that has made their way into my room.
Friday, March 15, 2013
3.14 = pumpkin pie
hello. long time no see. i havent been blogging much because, well, i didnt feel like it. blogging requires processing, analyzing and effort. some days, weeks, moments, i just dont want to do that. this was one of those weeks. so many wonderful things, nothing terrible but just overall difficult i guess. its hard to say why. i will be honest- i cried a lot. sometimes everything just hits you at once, and there is nothing you can do about it. i think its good, i dont have to speak the word over my heart everytime im sad. sometimes i can just let myself be sad and allow the Lord to come in and sort everything out with me. i think thats what is happening this week. sorting. because haiti is a lot. besides the physical challenges, you are always around hardship, unnecessary hardship. thats what upsets me. it doesnt have to be this way. but its that way, and people are suffering. its just a lot. not too much, but a lot. i know God is bigger than it, that I am able through him, for sure. I know this all for sure. but im supposed to be broken over what hurts him, right?
that was a ramble. long answer to why i havent blogged this week. i was busy being sad, and my all time favorite stress reliever- baking. I have baked so many things this week. Lets see, sunday it was over 350 peanut butter cookies from scratch. that one was an accident, i only meant to make 180. bad math on my part. things happen. monday i made a funfetti cake with icing- from scratch- for my friend nicole's 30th birthday. that was delish. tuesday i fell asleep before i could bake. thursday i took on the challenge of baking 174 cookies with 24 children. (we will talk about that one later- never again). and finally, yesterday, in honor of pie day- march 14 -3.14 i made pumpkin pie and homemade whipped cream. my friend Spence made pecan pie and just like that we had a pie off. he said it was a draw which i took to mean he was afraid a real vote would make me the winner. mine even looks prettier (minus the burn- our oven is...)
remember when i thought i was going to lose weight living in haiti? remember when i actually gained weight because i baked all the time? yikes. sometimes i wish my stress reliever was running or aerobics. unfortunately its baking and thats just that. what else can i do but pin things and make them? tonight i am making a flourless chocolate torte with almond whipped cream. and next week we have another birthday and that will of course require another cake of their choosing. i wish i could help all this, i really do but it is what it is. i choose to embrace it. the calories, the cakes, the butter, all of it.
so that was my week. baking, crying, working, repeat as needed. Jesus has been so great, its like all these things just help me see how good he is. like the way salt brings out the sweetness of vanilla in a cake.....i just see him everywhere. and on the days i cant, i just trust. its been hard. but its good. ive had to pray for things i never imagined needing prayer for, intercede for situations my mind just cant comprehend, things i was so unaware of before. and i will be honest. i have been scared. haiti is a different world. there is zero security. not in the police, in the government, in people. you have to trust in jesus. there is not if about it. i find myself looking at situations a lot and jesus says jess look at me. its hard. how many times can i say that in one blog? i'll say it again- its hard! BUT JESUS. sigh. i need to pray and then bake something.
here are the pics of the kids in the kitchen yesterday. oh me oh my. that was a feat.
(merbisson.i could write a whole post on him)
my creole has improved a lot. i find myself not having to think before i speak all the time which is convenient. oh and i booked my ticket for R&R today. plane tickets are expensive.
none of that is what i intended on blogging about but its what happened when i started typing. i have lots of cute pictures and one video i think houston in particular will love. i will post those sometime this weekend.
miss you guys- thanks for the prayers! they work work work!
( here is a link to my friend nicole's blog. this excerpt is from when we went to various schools and taught english. check it out! http://robertandnicolehiggins.blogspot.com/2013/02/today-jessica-and-i-went-withpastor.html )
that was a ramble. long answer to why i havent blogged this week. i was busy being sad, and my all time favorite stress reliever- baking. I have baked so many things this week. Lets see, sunday it was over 350 peanut butter cookies from scratch. that one was an accident, i only meant to make 180. bad math on my part. things happen. monday i made a funfetti cake with icing- from scratch- for my friend nicole's 30th birthday. that was delish. tuesday i fell asleep before i could bake. thursday i took on the challenge of baking 174 cookies with 24 children. (we will talk about that one later- never again). and finally, yesterday, in honor of pie day- march 14 -3.14 i made pumpkin pie and homemade whipped cream. my friend Spence made pecan pie and just like that we had a pie off. he said it was a draw which i took to mean he was afraid a real vote would make me the winner. mine even looks prettier (minus the burn- our oven is...)
(fujo for the week: i got so excited when i found a can of pumpkin i was running in the kitchen slipped in some water, fell on my knees, cut my arm, and accidentally threw the can of pumpkin in the air where it landed on my head. i have 2 swollen bruised knees and a bruise behind me ear. fujo.)
remember when i thought i was going to lose weight living in haiti? remember when i actually gained weight because i baked all the time? yikes. sometimes i wish my stress reliever was running or aerobics. unfortunately its baking and thats just that. what else can i do but pin things and make them? tonight i am making a flourless chocolate torte with almond whipped cream. and next week we have another birthday and that will of course require another cake of their choosing. i wish i could help all this, i really do but it is what it is. i choose to embrace it. the calories, the cakes, the butter, all of it.
so that was my week. baking, crying, working, repeat as needed. Jesus has been so great, its like all these things just help me see how good he is. like the way salt brings out the sweetness of vanilla in a cake.....i just see him everywhere. and on the days i cant, i just trust. its been hard. but its good. ive had to pray for things i never imagined needing prayer for, intercede for situations my mind just cant comprehend, things i was so unaware of before. and i will be honest. i have been scared. haiti is a different world. there is zero security. not in the police, in the government, in people. you have to trust in jesus. there is not if about it. i find myself looking at situations a lot and jesus says jess look at me. its hard. how many times can i say that in one blog? i'll say it again- its hard! BUT JESUS. sigh. i need to pray and then bake something.
here are the pics of the kids in the kitchen yesterday. oh me oh my. that was a feat.
(merbisson.i could write a whole post on him)
my creole has improved a lot. i find myself not having to think before i speak all the time which is convenient. oh and i booked my ticket for R&R today. plane tickets are expensive.
none of that is what i intended on blogging about but its what happened when i started typing. i have lots of cute pictures and one video i think houston in particular will love. i will post those sometime this weekend.
miss you guys- thanks for the prayers! they work work work!
( here is a link to my friend nicole's blog. this excerpt is from when we went to various schools and taught english. check it out! http://robertandnicolehiggins.blogspot.com/2013/02/today-jessica-and-i-went-withpastor.html )
Saturday, March 9, 2013
me gusta the weekend
today is a beautiful day. after a week of clouds (which I secretly enjoyed, less heat, more rain) the sun is shining bright. its hard to describe but I am really starting to feel at home here. dont get me wrong, i miss a different person each day but its getting easier, more familiar. i have fallen in love with every child at Greta, the kitchen ladies, and mangos for breakfast every morning. i love listening to the waves crash at night, driving through the hectic market on the way to work, playing with sweet sweet babies, coming home covered in glue and exhausted each day to a meal and coffee with some really great people.
today a group of us left base and went to a pizza place in town. it was so good, and by that i mean it tasted familiar, like pizza. it was called Graditas or something like that, i dont know. we were the only ones in there plus the one guy working. it took over an hour for 3 pizzas lol. but they were worth it.
(there we are, eating pizza. thats me in the pink.)
Across from the pizza place was the main town vodoo temple. It was very big- looked like a building I would see in downtown Charlotte or something. It never stops being weird to see those. I pass 5 on the way to work each day and every day I just pray. Vodoo affects everyone here, even believers. It is crazy to me how it has been incorporated into most churches here, pastors who believe in it, people who go to church and then come home to perform a vodoo ceremony. This is why I say the church here needs prayer. But anyways, just so you get an idea of what we are around. I am not afraid, I know He is greater in me but its still weird and sad.
Change of subject- I moved into my hut last weekend! Its great! Here is what it looks like from the outside
The colors are my favorite. I love teal. and yellow. maybe not this yellow...but still. Its wonderfully tacky. The screen door should be getting put up sometime this week, hopefully.
You should see my view. I will take a picture tomorrow.
The government decided on Thursday that we would be officially observing daylight savings time so i will be staying in the same time zone with everyone. yay for losing an hour of sleep.
With that said, I am going to bed!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
faith faith faith
"So we keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of his call. May he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do. Then the name of our Lord Jesus will be honored because of the way you live, and you will be honored along with him. This is all made possible because of the grace of our God and Lord, Jesus Christ."
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
This was my reading for the morning. I love this verse. I have it taped to the side of my bookcase and see it first thing every morning when I wake up. There are so many wonderful things in here, but this part is my favorite....."may he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do." YOUR FAITH.
Raise your hand if you have ever not done something or made a decision because "well Jesus if I just knew for sure what you wanted me to do, I would do it, but I just dont know..." My hand is raised. I say that kind of stuff all the time to God. "God if you could just make it clear- aka EASY- then I would have no problem...." fill in the blank... praying for that random person, serving at so and so or whatever it is. But that is the thing, thats what it is saying here, our faith- what it prompts us to do. If Jesus said, "Jessica I want you to move to Haiti because youre going to do a,b,c meet sally and sarah, stay there for 1 year..." I would be like ok I can do that because its all laid out. Or an even more day to day example- "Jessica I need you to talk to that woman and when you do say this and she is going to say this and then she will become a believer." YEAH RIGHT. I mean yes maybe. But that negates the faith. Its faith. Our faith prompts us, we say yes (hopefully) and THEN the power comes that enables us, giving us wisdom, words, etc.
Its funny because I read that this morning, prayed about it, did a mini devo with our department (me and one other person) on it, and then was presented with an opportunity to exercise it. It was still hard. 2 minutes after the faith prompting I decided to say yes, made my driver turn around, went back, and the person wasnt there. What could have would have should have happened I dont know. And I have some theories about what the Lord was teaching me in that moment. But I hope I have made my point. We cannot wait until all the road signs are clear- thats not faith. If it wasnt hard, if it wasnt sometimes scary, if it wasnt haiti, if it wasnt unknown then it just wouldnt be faith. All we do is step out and when we do, man does he make a way. Like through traffic so you can turn at the perfect moment to intercept that person or whatever it is. He makes a way cause He's good.
Anyways, that was my day. That and getting dog poop on my pants, glue on my pants, getting farted on, being tickled to death again, eating rice, watching the Little Mermaid, running on the beach (hardest thing ever especially because I already loathe running) and now a 9 pm bedtime.
Tomorrow is Friday, I can hardly believe it. The weeks FLY here for some reason. This weekend I will be working on my tan and receiving more coffee creamer- praise God because I have gone through 48 of those little mini liquid ones in 9 days- 9 days. That is insane. So keep them coming :)
Oh and ps. this was my view tonight. #paradise
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
This was my reading for the morning. I love this verse. I have it taped to the side of my bookcase and see it first thing every morning when I wake up. There are so many wonderful things in here, but this part is my favorite....."may he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do." YOUR FAITH.
Raise your hand if you have ever not done something or made a decision because "well Jesus if I just knew for sure what you wanted me to do, I would do it, but I just dont know..." My hand is raised. I say that kind of stuff all the time to God. "God if you could just make it clear- aka EASY- then I would have no problem...." fill in the blank... praying for that random person, serving at so and so or whatever it is. But that is the thing, thats what it is saying here, our faith- what it prompts us to do. If Jesus said, "Jessica I want you to move to Haiti because youre going to do a,b,c meet sally and sarah, stay there for 1 year..." I would be like ok I can do that because its all laid out. Or an even more day to day example- "Jessica I need you to talk to that woman and when you do say this and she is going to say this and then she will become a believer." YEAH RIGHT. I mean yes maybe. But that negates the faith. Its faith. Our faith prompts us, we say yes (hopefully) and THEN the power comes that enables us, giving us wisdom, words, etc.
Its funny because I read that this morning, prayed about it, did a mini devo with our department (me and one other person) on it, and then was presented with an opportunity to exercise it. It was still hard. 2 minutes after the faith prompting I decided to say yes, made my driver turn around, went back, and the person wasnt there. What could have would have should have happened I dont know. And I have some theories about what the Lord was teaching me in that moment. But I hope I have made my point. We cannot wait until all the road signs are clear- thats not faith. If it wasnt hard, if it wasnt sometimes scary, if it wasnt haiti, if it wasnt unknown then it just wouldnt be faith. All we do is step out and when we do, man does he make a way. Like through traffic so you can turn at the perfect moment to intercept that person or whatever it is. He makes a way cause He's good.
Anyways, that was my day. That and getting dog poop on my pants, glue on my pants, getting farted on, being tickled to death again, eating rice, watching the Little Mermaid, running on the beach (hardest thing ever especially because I already loathe running) and now a 9 pm bedtime.
Tomorrow is Friday, I can hardly believe it. The weeks FLY here for some reason. This weekend I will be working on my tan and receiving more coffee creamer- praise God because I have gone through 48 of those little mini liquid ones in 9 days- 9 days. That is insane. So keep them coming :)
Oh and ps. this was my view tonight. #paradise
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
my day in pictures
"oh hey, jessica and penny's office door is open. lets go in and reak havoc..."
what happens when your camera is stolen by a 5 year old...
"now we want to be sweet...
"but thats overrated...
...so lets just ambush them again!"
matching shirts- except his is cooler because it has tractors.
(See those 3 little heads at the bottom of the picture? Little did I know I was about to be ambushed and tickled almost to death. It was horrific.)
Over an hour later, I have only loaded 9 pictures so I think I am going to call it a day. That is haiti broadband for you.
what happens when your camera is stolen by a 5 year old...
...and cute."
"but thats overrated...
matching shirts- except his is cooler because it has tractors.
(See those 3 little heads at the bottom of the picture? Little did I know I was about to be ambushed and tickled almost to death. It was horrific.)
Over an hour later, I have only loaded 9 pictures so I think I am going to call it a day. That is haiti broadband for you.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
fujo
Fujo: a made up word by my friend who works in southeast africa that basically means messed up. Derived from the time when you just had a moment, a day, when stuff was just kdfjkdfa so you made up a word to describe it- fujo.
I like this word. I learned it working at OCC and use it as often as applicable. Lately, I have been fujo-ing things. Its never really serious things, just moments where I am like, "oh well that was fujo" For instance....
Saturday- My friend Nicole's birthday is coming up next week and I love birthdays. I asked her what dessert she wanted and was thrilled at the suggestion of a key lime pie- it is my FAVORITE of all favorites. I found a recipe on pinterest and decided to make a practice pie on sunday. If I am going to make enough dessert for 45 people, I am going to practice first. My friend Rebekah offered to help so we began the task of sqeezing limes. Everything was assembled and in the oven. 325 degrees for 15-17 minutes....the buzzer went off so I ran to check it. Burnt on top, scrambled goo on the inside- scrambled lime eggs. I was less than thrilled. I could not understand why that happened until I noticed the oven dial. One of our kitchen ladies had turned the oven up to 450 degrees with my pie in there and I didnt notice. I wanted to throw the pie away before anyone saw and tried to eat it but it was too late. It was placed on the dinner table and falsely advertised as food. 2 days of people thinking it was pie, tasting it, having lots of questions and me trying to explain that it was messed up and it wouldnt hurt my feelings if they just admitted that it was gross. FUJO
Sunday- I fell off a counter trying to avoid a spider. FUJO.
Monday- I got home from work late, my hair in a knot, covered in pee that wasnt my own. FUJO.
I am glad I can see all of these things on paper because in total they are really only worth laughing about. I am blessed that I can make key lime pie or whatever that was in Haiti, that I did avoid the spider, that I had 6 children swarming and tangling my hair today because white girl hair is a novelty and got to hold one close enough that he peed on me.
I am blessed even in the fujo.
I like this word. I learned it working at OCC and use it as often as applicable. Lately, I have been fujo-ing things. Its never really serious things, just moments where I am like, "oh well that was fujo" For instance....
Saturday- My friend Nicole's birthday is coming up next week and I love birthdays. I asked her what dessert she wanted and was thrilled at the suggestion of a key lime pie- it is my FAVORITE of all favorites. I found a recipe on pinterest and decided to make a practice pie on sunday. If I am going to make enough dessert for 45 people, I am going to practice first. My friend Rebekah offered to help so we began the task of sqeezing limes. Everything was assembled and in the oven. 325 degrees for 15-17 minutes....the buzzer went off so I ran to check it. Burnt on top, scrambled goo on the inside- scrambled lime eggs. I was less than thrilled. I could not understand why that happened until I noticed the oven dial. One of our kitchen ladies had turned the oven up to 450 degrees with my pie in there and I didnt notice. I wanted to throw the pie away before anyone saw and tried to eat it but it was too late. It was placed on the dinner table and falsely advertised as food. 2 days of people thinking it was pie, tasting it, having lots of questions and me trying to explain that it was messed up and it wouldnt hurt my feelings if they just admitted that it was gross. FUJO
Sunday- I fell off a counter trying to avoid a spider. FUJO.
Monday- I got home from work late, my hair in a knot, covered in pee that wasnt my own. FUJO.
I am glad I can see all of these things on paper because in total they are really only worth laughing about. I am blessed that I can make key lime pie or whatever that was in Haiti, that I did avoid the spider, that I had 6 children swarming and tangling my hair today because white girl hair is a novelty and got to hold one close enough that he peed on me.
I am blessed even in the fujo.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
poverty vs. poverty
Over the short course of my 23 years, I have been on a lot of mission trips. I have been to places like Mexico, India, Africa the Philippines etc working with various orphanages and churches. Every time I went I would come back, have this insane amount of guilt for having more than one outfit and running water, forget 2 weeks later and go back to wanting more stuff. I almost expected to experience the same thing with Haiti. Most people's parting advice to me involved preparing myself for drastic poverty. I am not sure that you can prepare yourself for that but after a month of being here I have decided something.
Every day I leave base and get to see Haiti. I see poverty, immense poverty. I experience it, I talk to people that havent eaten since the day before, who cant afford school, medical care, I hear about people who die waiting in line at the clinic, I hold babies that dont wear diapers because their moms cant afford them, I see starving animals, "homes" constructed out of anything and everything, and overworked, tired people. At first I thought wow, I am so blessed to have these 3 meals a day that I am not that fond of and live in a tent. This tent is nicer than their house etc etc. And that is true. I am blessed that I got to go school, that I eat 3 large meals a day, have clothes and more clothes, have a car in the States, can tithe, have curtains in my hut, running-all be it cold- water, toothpaste, you name it. Yet somehow that is not what bothers me, and I will tell you why before you start judging me. There exists a lack in haiti and around the world that is much greater and one of eternal proportions. It brought me to my knees last night as I wept for a spiritually starving world. You see, I have the Word of God written all over my room, in my heart and in my Spirit, so that the moment I am, for instance fearful, I am reminded that God is my refuge, or my strongtower, or that I dont have a spirit of fear, but of power love and a sound mind. I walk around every day filled with something, a hope, that they have no knowledge of because they have never been shown. I struggle for words to articulate my heart right now. My point is that ok yes I have a house and they dont but I have Jesus and they dont. THAT is the problem. That should be what I offer them. "silver and gold I have none but such as I have I give you, in the name of Jesus get up and walk." Acts 3:6.... Remember that? Remember when the guy was begging and Peter gave him Jesus instead of money?
I know I have said something along the lines of this before. But I just cant let it go. I am not ok with people not knowing Jesus when I do. I am not ok singing about being blessed and naming and claiming things or tweeting my morning quiet latte time when I have the victory and they dont, but could. The world around is dying when Jesus already died for them. Do you get that? Do you realize that when he died, he died for them, that its already been done? Our job, our mandate, is to tell them about this precious life giving gift they have ALREADY been given. It is not ok for me to have Jesus and them not, its just not. And I could ask Jesus all day long why I was blessed to grow up knowing him, why I was planted at the church I was, with the godly leaders I had, and others werent. But He is going to tell me the same thing every time, "so you could tell others jess. go."
Dont worry, I am not going to come back hating all things western and 1st world. It is really not about that. It would be nice to give them better things, to fill their bellies each day, and we should. But those things will never last. I want to leave them with Jesus, I want to sow those seeds, in Haiti and everywhere. It is not just a third world thing, its everywhere, people are dying without Jesus everywhere. Poverty is all around, it just looks different.
So, thats my rant. I am not sure really how to conclude it, I just wanted to share with you what has been on my heart and in my prayers. ps- it rained today, thanks you guys for praying and jesus for answering. :)
Every day I leave base and get to see Haiti. I see poverty, immense poverty. I experience it, I talk to people that havent eaten since the day before, who cant afford school, medical care, I hear about people who die waiting in line at the clinic, I hold babies that dont wear diapers because their moms cant afford them, I see starving animals, "homes" constructed out of anything and everything, and overworked, tired people. At first I thought wow, I am so blessed to have these 3 meals a day that I am not that fond of and live in a tent. This tent is nicer than their house etc etc. And that is true. I am blessed that I got to go school, that I eat 3 large meals a day, have clothes and more clothes, have a car in the States, can tithe, have curtains in my hut, running-all be it cold- water, toothpaste, you name it. Yet somehow that is not what bothers me, and I will tell you why before you start judging me. There exists a lack in haiti and around the world that is much greater and one of eternal proportions. It brought me to my knees last night as I wept for a spiritually starving world. You see, I have the Word of God written all over my room, in my heart and in my Spirit, so that the moment I am, for instance fearful, I am reminded that God is my refuge, or my strongtower, or that I dont have a spirit of fear, but of power love and a sound mind. I walk around every day filled with something, a hope, that they have no knowledge of because they have never been shown. I struggle for words to articulate my heart right now. My point is that ok yes I have a house and they dont but I have Jesus and they dont. THAT is the problem. That should be what I offer them. "silver and gold I have none but such as I have I give you, in the name of Jesus get up and walk." Acts 3:6.... Remember that? Remember when the guy was begging and Peter gave him Jesus instead of money?
I know I have said something along the lines of this before. But I just cant let it go. I am not ok with people not knowing Jesus when I do. I am not ok singing about being blessed and naming and claiming things or tweeting my morning quiet latte time when I have the victory and they dont, but could. The world around is dying when Jesus already died for them. Do you get that? Do you realize that when he died, he died for them, that its already been done? Our job, our mandate, is to tell them about this precious life giving gift they have ALREADY been given. It is not ok for me to have Jesus and them not, its just not. And I could ask Jesus all day long why I was blessed to grow up knowing him, why I was planted at the church I was, with the godly leaders I had, and others werent. But He is going to tell me the same thing every time, "so you could tell others jess. go."
Dont worry, I am not going to come back hating all things western and 1st world. It is really not about that. It would be nice to give them better things, to fill their bellies each day, and we should. But those things will never last. I want to leave them with Jesus, I want to sow those seeds, in Haiti and everywhere. It is not just a third world thing, its everywhere, people are dying without Jesus everywhere. Poverty is all around, it just looks different.
So, thats my rant. I am not sure really how to conclude it, I just wanted to share with you what has been on my heart and in my prayers. ps- it rained today, thanks you guys for praying and jesus for answering. :)
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