im alive

Everyone seems to be under the same impression that when I dont blog I must be dead. I am happy to dissolve any worries you might have. I am alive today. And well. Since I dont like pretending I'll just be honest. I have been struggling. I am not homesick, I'm not missing my favorite foods or wishing I could get a pedicure. For some reason I just forgot a lot of things lately. I forgot who I was, what Jesus said about me, about my purpose and about my victory. For the first time I wanted to give up. I sat in church on sunday and just thought to myself what if I didnt do this....what if I just finished my 5 months here, hung out at base, did my "job", then came home and was a wedding planner. I could marry a guy who believed in Jesus, plan weddings all day and be comfortable. I wouldnt have to worry about people who dont know Jesus because I know him so I'll just reserve my seat in heaven and that be that. 5 seconds later I knew I would never do that but still. It seemed enticing in the moment. Even though I know I'm not going to do that, the temptation is still there to be in Haiti and not be obedient. Let me just say that moving to Haiti was step one in obedience. I still have to choose each day to obey God or not. You may not believe me but you can come to Haiti, fall into a routine and be comfortable. Its true. You stay at base, you eat your food each day, go to your job, hang out with your friends and not worry about the people on the other side of your fence. It happens every day and its easy to do. I know because I've been doing it. Not a lot, and not everyday but some. Some days you just want to check out and pretend like all this hurting, all this suffering does not exist. The other night I was coming back from a community event in another city and we were in quite the scary situation. I was nervous and I could tell others in my car were too so I just started praying and didnt stop until we were home. In that moment I decided something. If I am going to live here, some days risk my safety, every day sacrifice my comfort and desires, I am going to obey God. I didnt fly 5 hours to say no, to not obey the holy spirit and not listen to what he wants me to do. Lets be honest, I could do that in the states while eating a cheeseburger and taking a hot shower. If Im going to disobey Him I might as well go home. Otherwise Im wasting my time.

In recent days I cannot believe the amount of encouragement I have gotten, from a few people here and from some friends back home. One friend in particular said something to me that stuck. "the holy spirit doesnt make it easy, it makes it possible." I have been sittng here for like 3 weeks now thinking that I am failing because its hard. Like it should be easy because I have the holy spirit and know the word. Reality check- sometimes things are going to be hard, and thats good for me. It doesnt make me a failure, it doesnt mean I dont know Jesus, it doesnt mean I'm missing it. I cant believe I forgot that, that I didnt realize I was doing what he wanted me to just by loving the people I am with daily. Its so true, so simple. As christians, especially when you are working in a ministry its so easy to get so consumed by ministry. Everywhere you go you feel like if youre not stopping to tell people about jesus then you arent doing your job. You forget that your life is supposed to be that ministry. that by being me, i am doing the work of God. thats why he asked me to come. thats why he asked you to work at verizon, or to work at SP or to....excuse me. I had to get up and kill another tarantula. even more evidence that i should just go home if im not in it to win it. i hate them. i have killed 5. be proud. they have all been babies but that works because i am a total baby. anyways, i dont know if all that made sense. it did in my head but somehow it doesnt always sounds the same on paper. i am feeling very encouraged today, God's grace is allowing me to see the truth. that i make a difference here, that i am able through him. that my time is not in vain and obedience means doing all things with love.

so there you go. i am alive, learning, and joyful. theres so much going on in my brain and it feels rather difficult to form a complete thought.  i miss you guys a lot but in 1 month from today i will be on american soil stuffing my face with all things wonderful. ok. time to go. someone has covered their face entirely with green chalk and is wearing my sunglasses. one of those moments where its just to cute to do anything but laugh and maybe make him wash it off.

i hope you all have a great day. thanks for being my friends and for reading my blog.