3 days

I am not really sure what to write. I feel like I need to say something because I leave in 3 days. But that fact alone makes me want to crawl under my covers and not talk to anyone. In order to avoid being a complete Debbie Downer and ruin my last moments here, lets take a minute and review all the happy things the past 6 months has brought my way. This should make me feel better right?

1. the beach. lets talk about how I open my door every morning and the first thing I see is the ocean, like 10 feet from my door. how its the last thing I hear at night and provides the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen every night after dinner. amazing. i might have to move to a beach after this.

2. fresh fruit every day. watermelon, mango, pineapple, all the good stuff, everyday. pre cut for me, all i have to do is eat it.

3. babies. adorable sticky kissing crazy precious sweet and all mine. no matter what horrid thing they have just done, five seconds later i cant even remember and i am ready to kiss them all over.

4. relationships. i have met the best people here. i could write paragraphs on all of them, how they have all been instrumental in growing me as a person, challenging me, encouraging me, loving me, teaching me....i think this is making me sad instead of cheering me up. i have to stop.

I know I am sad right now, and that it is ok to feel that way. I also know that God only has even better things ahead, because that is what his word promises me. It is hard to see because I don't know what is next, but I know he is already there, smoothing out the path, arranging things and I trust that. He is the ultimate planner and has it covered. I can rest in that. I can rest in his goodness. I can rest on his beautiful beach, thank him for this season, these people that will be forever in my life, and get excited for what is next. thankfully, he lets me cry about it all at the same time.

stars

One of my favorite things to do in Haiti is lay on our helicopter pad. Since its not being used for helicopters anymore, I have decided it is the perfect place to look at the stars. I walked past it tonight as I went to brush my teeth and 30 minutes later had yet to brush them. I had been sidetracked by a wonderfully bright moon and what seemed like hundreds of stars. I love stars. They are probably and most definitely one of my favorite things that Jesus has ever made. He did such a good job with them, and I tell him that every night. But tonight as I sat under them, different thoughts crossed my mind. I had been praying before, releasing some worries to God, asking for wisdom, etc etc. It crossed my mind in that moment how much these worries have taught me. It is amazing to me how each season never ceases to teach us something new about God. During college and especially my first year after, I learned the hard and sometimes hungry way how much of a provider God is. I went from pay check to pay check, needed $3000 for a trip to India, had leases end before I would sign a new one and spent my days praying and trusting God for tangible provision. It was one of the hardest seasons and lessons of my life yet you couldn't convince me otherwise today that God takes care of me. I know deep deep down in my spirit, not my mind, that God will always supply all of my needs based on HIS riches and not mine or my pay check or my circumstances or my effort. I would not trade that revelation for anything.

Haiti has been such a season that ends in 14 days and 6 hours to be exact. I will walk away with a lot of things but more than anything I am walking away knowing God as my Father. This part of Him has never been more real to me; the way he LOVES me, is for me, selected me, his promises and daily comfort, his intentions towards me, his protection, its incredible. He gives and gives wisdom and joy and peace, every good thing he has, and he withholds nothing from his children. I know we have heard this verse a million times in a million different scenarios but tonight God chose it to say to me.. "For I know the plans I have for you Jess, plans for good and not to harm, to give you hope and a future." God has plans for me. Before time he sat down and in my imagination wrote down on his planner my name and my life dates and all the in between stuff. Its all right there, written out and ready for me to walk in. He thought about me. How wonderfully thrilling, comforting and humbling is that? More than anything, its enough. Its enough in this moment for me to rest and be at peace when I don't know and don't have all the answers.

What I do know today is that I leave in 2 weeks and I already miss my kids. Sigh. And I hate packing. Double sigh. But I am excited to see my family and go to Harris Teeter- silver lining.

When I am not exhausted and ready for bed I will tell you about my wonderful weekend at a luxury hotel and about the time today when the President of Haiti's sister decided to drop by Greta for a visit. But I am sleepy and my bed is calling. Happy Tuesday Eve.

3 weeks

It is currently raining cats and goats here and I am snuggled up in my cozy cozy bed after a "Monday." In honor of day 22 and because it is always the answer to my woes, I attempted to bake a chocolate pound cake like my aunt kay makes. It didn't turn out quite the same but I did have a really good time making it and unwinding from my day.

We are all on "full alert" here as Tropical Storm Chantal makes her way towards us. River watchers at post, sand bags, making sure we have enough milk, yada yada. We are supposed to get it sometime late Wednesday but its a fast mover so should not last too long.

I got another goodbye note today from one of the kids....seriously if you think about it between now and a while from now, I would covet your prayers. Not sure how I am going to leave this place, these people, my babies and in the same breathe cannot wait to see my friends and family and EAT.

Oh and this is awesome, yesterday my generous pregnant friend shared her pickle stash with me. Oh my heavens, talk about things that make you feel like you can run the race and finish it. I have not had a pickle in I don't even know how long and these were life changing. I love pickles.

That was day 22. 3 weeks from tomorrow. Super weird. Jesus is Lord.

dreams: day 25

In recent weeks as I have spoken with several of my closest and dearest friends, I have stumbled upon a theme that rings true not only for their lives but for mine. Conversation after conversation has included in some way shape or form the struggle of dreams, the visions and desires God has placed in us to do. While each person has been a bit different, they all said the same thing, "I just want to know what I am supposed to do with my life, what God has for me."

I empathize completely. Here I am 25 days away from the end of my time in Haiti and I could not have less of a clue as to what is next. That may freak some of you out, and if we're being honest, at times it scares me a bit too. The incessant planner in me dreams of a life with a giant life long calendar. I could jot down my life events (color coordinated of course), know exactly when certain things would happen, who it would involve, where, all the w's. There would be no surprises, no guesses, no waiting in the unknown, just a mapped out and ever so organized life. I know I would be bored, I know that taking the surprise out of things would be absolutely no fun at all but wouldn't ya know it would sure be easy.

I mean, do any of you feel that way? Do you ever just sit down and say, "God, I would do whatever it was I just don't know what it is." I do. I say it at least 4 times a day. I think to myself, if I just sat down and wrote out the things I enjoyed, the things that made me joyful, the desires I have in me that I believe are from God, I could figure this thing out. I even have a page on my wall "Things I am Believing God For" that I see everyday. It is not a wish list but real things with scriptures to match that I believe God is going to do in my life. The salvation of my family, a godly, kind, praying, (can I say HOT) husband, etc etc. All things I know he wants for me because, guess what, they are in his word!

I have gotten sidetracked. My point I guess is this...I was re- reading it the other day and it is a verse I hold dear in my heart.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21. The amplified version says "but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will STAND."

I have zero answers. Literally, I have zero answers. With each one of my friends I just agreed, shared the Word and agreed some more. I don't know what is next for me after Haiti, I don't know just exactly what it is that I am called to do in this world. I know I love baking and naps, that is pretty much as far as I have gotten. What I do know though, I am more than ok with- that even when I don't know the plans of God for me YET, I can still stand on it, him. I do that by walking in faith (its not faith if you can see it) and by trusting him, not by being afraid to do anything or saying every day that I don't know.

The planner in me wants to have it all figured out but the Word in me says even if you did have it planned, the Lords purpose is going to go on regardless. And that is what I want, isn't it what we all really want anyways? To do and be and love the things that he does? That he has for us?

That is my day 25 countdown nugget of wisdom just for me. Because some days you just have to remind yourself of the anchor that is trustworthy, faithful to perform his Word, because if he said it, he'll do it.

Today I got the sweetest goodbye letter from a 13 year old boy. Things that make it difficult to countdown. Currently, the only dream I have is for the cricket that has been chirping for 6 days straight to die a terrible death. Things that make it easy to leave.

So. Day 25. Dreams, crickets and love letters. Not too shabby.

countdown begins

Yesterday I began the process of telling all 71 of my sweet babes that I will be leaving on July 30th. Talk about the agony. They all handle it differently, some don't even really understand. But I do, and it sucks. Part of my heart is ready and the part that still loves them at the end of a long and sometimes ridiculous day isn't. I am not sure how my last day will go but in the meantime the countdown has begun. 28 days. 28 days left of one of the best, well, actually maybe the best season so far of my life. I know it only gets better from here but there are a few dear little hearts that are making this feel impossible.

I know that time can fly, that your days can come and go before you even realize it. I am going to try to keep track of each day as best as I can. I know future me will love to look back and read all of this one day when maybe even just a smidge more of my puzzle is filled in and some of this makes a bit of sense.

Today was normal at work. I am actually staying the night again. I can count on that including a long day, a bed time story and sweet kisses as I tuck them in...and probably not a lot of sleep for me.

I re-read my blog post from last week about the goodness of God chasing me and I guess sometimes we forget even the things we ourselves learn and write. God reminded through that and then some of how much he loves me and (sigh of relief) how in control of my life he is. He has already gone ahead in time, made all my paths smooth, pre-arranged blessings, people. I really love him, and he happens to love me too. :)

With that thought, my air conditioned work space has been commandeered by some rowdy pre teens who just must watch a soccer match. So that's that.

Day 28. Come and almost gone. Here is to day 27 and finishing off the last bits of my cinnamon toast crunch from my care package. God is good people, God is good.