victory

Every day is a choice. Every day we have the opportunity to choose love over hate, peace over fear, strength over weakness. To love (overwhelmingly, heapingly so) our enemies, pray diligently for the lost, to give grace mercy and kindness. We can see the joy set before us or allow the dark of the moment to overshadow the Truth.


It is the opposite of easy. I am experiencing that myself this very moment. The hurt, exhaustion, frustration, may all be valid, but it is temporary. His word, His promises, His love, His victory are eternal and they are what I stand on.


I am writing this all for me not you. I need to see these words, remind myself of what I know, what I typed a few weeks ago about dealing with the dark in order to be the light. Nobody tells you that its hard, but I will tell you that you probably aren't doing much of anything where you are if its not. Resistance comes when you're making a difference. Remember, the enemy comes to steal and kill and destroy. Once you get the word in you, don't be surprised that he comes straight for it, hoping it has yet to take root. Stupid devil. Lets start recognizing the strategies of the enemy so we aren't mistaken about how to fight back. Lets start praying in advance, preparing for things to come, arming ourselves with the full power we have been given to stand in! Lets do something about the Kingdom we were given, let us fight for the souls that belong to the Lord. Let us honor our King with our lives, regardless of cost.

The Word says "for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour." Never have I experienced this more in my life.

BUT then I remember this "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of ...good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]" AND this "Yet the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen [you] and set you on a firm foundation and guard you from the evil [one]." 

Love is hard but its powerful. Its the perfect strategy and never loses, each and every time.

He is faithful. He is greater. He is stronger. He wears the victors crown. "His power no foe can withstand" Praise Jesus.

sticky hands

I wouldn't trade this life for anything. That seems to be the only sentence I currently can complete. I keep typing it and re-typing it hoping better words will come. My thoughts are overwhelmed with where I am, the things I used to think mattered most, and the very people that I can now not imagine my life without.


This time last year, I would have traded it all for a cheeseburger. I would have said no to the sweaty weather, the temper tantrums, spiders, chaos, and in purging that lost the little joys, little people, little sticky hands that always seem to find a way into mine. I would have missed that hug and that kiss, or that letter or that time we did homework for 4 hours, in French, when I don't speak French. I would have missed the 70 best things that ever happened to me. And even though some days it feels like the 70 loudest most insane dirtiest things, they are mine. Or better yet, I am theirs. They have me in every way, I am completely baited and hooked to their lives, past, present and future.


There are ample days where I walk to my house and wonder how in the world did I make a difference today? I should have stayed in America eating cheeseburgers. But for every day like that there is one around the corner, filled with fruit. Precious moments where a child lets you know that if you were not here, it would make a difference to them. And that sounds obvious to you, because you see my pictures and you know I am a relatively nice person and you think of course Jessica is making a difference. (Don't believe all the pictures, 5 seconds later they morph into tazmanian devils :) ) Yet oddly enough I have never felt "called" to children, never professionally studied them, really have no qualifying experience other than that one time I was one. The crazy thing I have discovered is that it so often feels reverse. There is not one child I can imagine my life without, not one little voice, personality that doesn't make a difference to me now. It sounds like a number but its my heart.


This may sound a bit melo-dramatic all laid out but I love my kids. Because they're mine. I am not a mom, I have never known THAT pain. But I ache when they hurt, I wash the Cheetos off their face, and nothing has ever sounded the way my name does on their lips. Nothing feels like the moment I pull into work and see my littlest one waiting for me, or the way he walks me to my house each night and sits at the stoop as long as he can get away with it.


So in case you are worried about me, wonder why I am here, what the heck I am doing, don't worry, I think all those things too. But it vanishes when I am with them. When the work is piling up and I am overwhelmed my answer is to swing, to play, to enjoy the lives I am here for. I could stand on a street corner and shout the name of Jesus and yell the Bible to unopened hearts and I wouldn't do as much as I did by holding them today, by listening to their stories, by kissing their foreheads, letting them know they matter, they are important, my life is forever different and better because they are in it.


Pray for my kids. Pray that they know the depths heights widths of God's love for them. That they are rooted and grounded in that love, for healing in their hearts, healing in their bodies, protection, grace and compassion to surround them. I am confident that though they may seem random, God chose each one of them to be in this home, chose each of us working with them and He has big things in store for their lives.


Today we had our monthly birthday party. My darling dear turned 4. He is our littlest one and I just cannot believe how quickly they grow. I will never again tease my mother for those public moments she became a story teller of my most embarrassing memories, younger years and how tightly she clung to them. I will never be too cool for you mom, just as I hope I never see the day that I turn the corner and I don't have at least one chubby smile waiting for me in the driveway, one sweet little hand to hold mine and walk me home.

just some happenings

First of all, sorry you cannot see the pictures from last weeks post. I will work on that though in theory I really have no technological intelligence.


This week was very busy, very crazy but still full of good things and sweet moments.


Monday I traveled to Port-au-Prince to get my permis de sejour, my one year visa to live here.


Tuesday I don't remember. Wednesday, oh Wednesday my friends Robert and Nicole came over to my house at Greta and we made pizza and cupcakes and played speed scrabble. It was so great, felt like real life.


Thursday, that was yesterday, um, oh yes my friend Kristen had her bachelorette party in Gran Gwav. I can say that is my first bachelorette party in Haiti. It was really fun and so great to spend time with some friends I had not seen in a while.


Today. Today I drove for the first time in Haiti. Oh man, I am not going to lie and pretend like it was super normal and easy. I definitely screamed a few times and wanted to pull over and quit but nevertheless I passed my driving test and will practice as much as I can. I feel like I'm 15 again and have never driven but I know by the blood of the lamb I will survive and figure it all out.


Tomorrow we will all to go Gran Gwav for my friends wedding and then I plan on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. :)


That is all I can remember for now, I am so tired and happy to be back on base though a gecko just pooped on my pillow so there's that to deal with.


Anyways, all is well. Jesus is so good and I am more than in love with my kids. We had ice cream for valentines day so all is right with the world.


:)

my monday in pictures

Disclaimer: our internet was down for about 2 days so pardon this for being late.


Yikes today was hard. It was the kind of hard that comes naturally from being around 70 children constantly. I was sitting on my bed exhausted and a teensy bit frustrated about my day when I looked at my phone and saw some pictures I took earlier. Instant perspective. Instant reminder of how much I love my kids, how being loved by them far outweighs any mishaps, frustrations, heat, hunger, mosquitoes this life could throw at me. Here they are in chronological order...if my internet will let them load in a timely manner.








ok so this first one doesn't feel so much like a blessing....I remembered this morning that I left a diet coke in our community freezer last night during the super bowl party. MAJOR oops. Missed devotions trying to clean it up before I left for work.

this one is cute. this precious one spilt some of my drink on the floor so I handed him a cleaning wipe and showed him how to get it up. 10 seconds later I turn around and he is intently cleaning his shoes.




He was so proud.

Then I got to put this together up on the wall of our little boys room. they loved it. we named the boy monkey kevin.

After lunch photo shoot with my munchkin.

He always wants me to take his picture from the side. Im not quite sure why. Im pretty insecure about my side profile but he doesn't seem to be. (the other kids look says it all)

I'm hoping he is pretending to be a dinosaur but my instincts tell me he is just being himself.

such a great big brother.

all the toy bikes are taken. ill just ride phoebe. don't worry, I saved the cat before any harm was done.

and then jesus.

and this face for the win....

banana bread

Tonight I planned on writing part 2 of what the Lord showed me yesterday, ya know, light in the dark. Instead I made banana bread, almost blew up our kitchen (don't worry, I still have my eye brows) and am about to go to bed.


The very thing I challenged myself and you readers on yesterday I was faced with today. Would I maintain my light in the dark, shine when it was hard? Being the light isn't being a Christian solely, that is simply step 1. Its obeying whatever God is asking you to do even when you've been wronged, when you are disrespected, being humble, walking in love when its not returned and unnoticed.


So today I had that choice. I could get offended, grumbly, entitled, or option b: let the holy spirit help me. I cant say that I 100% made the right choice and walked it out with flying colors. But I do know that when I felt like I was about to blow it, the Holy Spirit came in to be my helper, just like he loves to do.


The very thing I had prayed this morning, "Lord show me specific ways to be the light" was real. It was hard but he did as he promised and helped me through. Either way, its almost Friday, I have the Holy Spirit, banana bread and our house wasn't leveled when we tried to light the pilot light. I would call that success.


He surely is good.

light in the dark

Once more Jesus addressed the crowd. He said, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me will not be walking in the dark, but will have the Light which is Life. John 8:12

 

There is this song we sing at church, In Jesus Name, by Darlene Z… however you spell her last name. The climax of the song goes like this “God is fighting for us, pushing back the darkness, lighting up the kingdom that cannot be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and we will shout it out, shout it out.” I am a huge fan of this song, not necessarily how high I have to sing when we do it but the message behind it. I caught it the first time we practiced it and the revelation has stayed with me. I sing it in my head or out loud at least once a day here and its words have carried so much power for me.  Today I came face to face with the reality of those words, the reality of darkness. We like to sing songs like this because it promises light and Jesus and power but I guess I never really thought about what happens when I’m in the dark. I was singing this from my lit up world where the people I surrounded myself with knew Jesus and believed what I did.  I sang it this morning in a place where light was dim, where it seemed as though maybe the darkness would win. It’s strange. We know it, we are told about it by Jesus himself, that we are the salt and the light, a city on a hill. Yet often times I find my own heart shying away from the darkness. After all, how could one little light like myself really make much of a difference? I am just one light, and though I am not the only one here, I still feel out numbered.

I was talking to the Lord about this today, asking him why certain things happen the way they do, hurt, suffering, why the people I see every day have so much pain, or hatred or darkness. I came to a place in my time with him where my humanity became ever so real. I so long and pray to be used and sent and world changing. And it’s sincere. Sometimes I think I forget though that light can’t stay in lit places. That I shouldn’t be surprised when I encounter the darkness.  And we sing about being light and being bright and never take into account the darkness we must face. It’s not easy. Darkness seems to prevail, it seems to be bigger and greater. But I am here to remind you and myself that it isn’t. And the bottom basic mere line here is that I was not called to shy away from it. To be the light you have to deal with the dark. We want to be the light from a distance but it doesn’t work that way. A candle lights up exactly what is surrounding it. I cant put a candle in one room and expect it to show me anything in another. God has put me smack dab in the dark. My flesh, the Jessica in me wants to panic, get overwhelmed, frustrated, fearful and yet the God in me says remember “God is fighting for you, pushing back the darkness, lighting up a kingdom that CANNOT be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and I WILL shout it out.”

Today is bizarre, stretching beyond what I thought I was prepared to bear. BUT I am not on my own, after all I am not the light because of anything I am. I am the light because of the light in me, the light of the world, the hope of this world. He is in me and he is shining, through crappy situations that make me want to scream and run the other direction. He shines through my words, my actions, my silence when I could speak, my mercy and my humility. Realities like this are hard. They force us out of comfortable places, causing us to evaluate what is really in our hearts. Its always easier to stay where you blend in, its always easier to stay where there is light, always.  But God has asked of us otherwise. He has commanded us to the dark places, in Boone, in North Carolina, in Haiti, every bit of everywhere. It’s a daily choice and it never FEELS easy. But his grace is abounding. And his word is full of promises. “No, despite all these things, OVERWHELMING victory is ours through Christ Jesus who loved us.” Romans 8:37. Boom. There it is. How can you even argue with a promise that solid and good. He knew the examples that would cause us to doubt it, the darkness that would hinder us from seeing it. But he knows the end, he gives the victory to us now.

I say all this to myself, to remind myself tonight that my prayers are powerful, my words carry life, and that my spirit has the same power that rose jesus from the grave. No power can stand against him. “No one after he has lighted a lamp covers it with a vessel or puts it under a [dining table] couch; but he puts it on a lampstand, that those who come in may see the light.” Luke 8:16. Jesus didn’t put his light in you so you could keep it to yourself. It’s there for others and to give him glory. Sing the song from VBS, soak up his word, and let it shine.

week deux

I feel like I should blog because I haven't this week but I hardly feel like I have much to say at this point. Week 1 is complete, only 51 to go, but whose counting anyways?






I have spent most of my time at JAX (our main SP base on the beach) but will be at Greta the rest of the week. I've already baked a few times, cinnamon rolls and the best brownies ever, just in case you wondering.




My day to day has been mostly working at Greta, finagling (fenagaling...how do you spell that word? Is it actually a word?) my way through my new role. If you are interested in praying for me, which, why wouldn't you be, since it works incredibly, I could use prayer in this category. I hardly feel qualified for the job I am in, in fact I often wonder why they hired me. I don't have a lot of experience, I didn't study anything related to this and I'm only 24. It is intimidating at times to think of the task ahead of me, knowing that I do want to do well for these kids, provide the best support possible for my executive director and ultimately please the Lord in all I do. Sweet Jesus gently reminded me last night that none of those above reasons are actually reasons at all and that he chose me because I will obey him, because I desire to do what he has asked. I am not allowed to speak negatively about myself, my abilities or seemingly lack there of. What I am allowed to do is found in Colossians 2:3. "In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Seek him. Search out the hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge that are so beyond me yet completely accessible to me through him.






Anyways, today I went to Petit Guave and opened my Haitian bank account. We are required to do this in order to get our permis de sejour (visa). And then I worked, did zumba, ate French fries, made brownies and played speed scrabble. Just in case you wanted my full schedule.






If you have any questions about anything, whoever you readers are, please feel free to ask and I will tell you all about whatever it is.






And to relieve any fears of any certain relatives I may have, I am feeling 100% better, back to my normal self.


Oh one more thing, if you are interested in seeing how you can donate or get involved in things we need here, let me know. :)






Last but definitely not least, the best part of my everyday and the first boy to ask me to marry him since I was in kindergarten....

a new familiar

It is a surreal thing to be posting on this blog again. When I left 6 months ago I wasn't sure this would happen or if I even wanted it to. But after a tough but good season of learning, struggling, growing, processing, here I am, back in my Caribbean home. I'm at the end of day 3 and I would say at this point little has gone according to plan. Well, my plan at least.

Travel down here was one for the books. When Gracie prayed for me at my going away festivities for people on the plane that could encourage me etc I could not even foresee what that would be. Long story short, after moving seats 3 times, I ended up next to a girl that I would never have guessed was a God send. She prayed with me the entire flight down as I experienced medical issues, held my hand, joined me in my faith. I spent the first night on the phone with our nurse in another city and woke up early the next day to go straight back to Port-au-Prince for a few tests. Don't freak out, I am fine. But those were not my favorite days. I am feeling much better, have enjoyed 2 full days with my babies and am staying at Greta for the first time tonight in my new house.

The not so good:

1. Change is hard. Life happens, people come and go and people going has always been hard for me. When you have experienced something only one way to return and find it completely different it can be unsettling. Many of the people I came to know and love at base have left, and though we have so many great new faces, its still weird.

2. I forgot what mosquitoes were. So much to the point that I did not bring a drop of bug spray. Luckily we have it around here by the gallons so I am covered, but still. The first bite was quite a shock.

3. Cold showers, with mosquitoes. I forgot about those too.

The great:

1. My kids. Oh my, the first hugs were sweet. Every morning when I see them its like they have forgotten all over again that I am here and we get to have the same excited exchange. I still can hardly believe I'm back, sitting with them, holding them, playing silly games, asking them what's in their mouth, kissing them goodnight. It's the good kind of weird. They have all grown up so much since I left but still have the same laughs, quirks, habits, personalities that I love about them. Get ready for picture overload of crumb covered faces.  

2. My house- holy moly, Jesus is so sweet. Favorite colors, great kitchen, can you say BATH TUB, hot shower, incredible. More than I would have even thought to ask for which makes it an even greater gift.

3.Sunsets over the ocean. Did you see the one I posted on facebook? They are just heavenly.

4. No more snow!

I want to say thank you so much everyone for all of your prayers. Continue to pray for me as I transition into my new role here. Pray that Jesus would reveal to me the specific things he has already placed in me that I can do here, gifts I was created to use. Pray for continued protection, health, joy, determination, vision. It has been a whirlwind of a week and I am very much looking forward to a relaxing weekend at the beach with a friend I have missed beyond measure.

I cant wait to tell you all about the goings on here, our new, well new to me, community children that attend our school (lets talk about that for a second. teeny tiny precious little babies that don't have to know you to cling to you. I have so many shadows these days), phoebe buffay, my girl kitten who turned out to be a boy, day to day life in Haiti and the GOODNESS of God that is working and moving and changing and healing, even me.

Life feels weird right now. But I trust so strongly in my God. This is so beyond me he has no choice but to come in and be everything he has promised and everything I need. The strength in my weakness, light in the darkness. If there is one thing I learned after Monday its that God has overcome. He has complete victory and his word says its ours. We share in his victory over the enemy, over the things of this world. Nothing can separate us from him, not a thing. Colossians 1:13 [The Father] HAS DELIVERED and drawn us to Himself out of the control and dominion of darkness and has transferred us into the kingdom of the Son of his love."  I can rest assured in that, that as I look around and begin to feel defeat, the Holy Spirit reminds me of what Christ has already done and the power in that act.

I am exhausted and those little ones get up early so that's all for now! Happy Friday eve!

3 days

I am not really sure what to write. I feel like I need to say something because I leave in 3 days. But that fact alone makes me want to crawl under my covers and not talk to anyone. In order to avoid being a complete Debbie Downer and ruin my last moments here, lets take a minute and review all the happy things the past 6 months has brought my way. This should make me feel better right?

1. the beach. lets talk about how I open my door every morning and the first thing I see is the ocean, like 10 feet from my door. how its the last thing I hear at night and provides the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen every night after dinner. amazing. i might have to move to a beach after this.

2. fresh fruit every day. watermelon, mango, pineapple, all the good stuff, everyday. pre cut for me, all i have to do is eat it.

3. babies. adorable sticky kissing crazy precious sweet and all mine. no matter what horrid thing they have just done, five seconds later i cant even remember and i am ready to kiss them all over.

4. relationships. i have met the best people here. i could write paragraphs on all of them, how they have all been instrumental in growing me as a person, challenging me, encouraging me, loving me, teaching me....i think this is making me sad instead of cheering me up. i have to stop.

I know I am sad right now, and that it is ok to feel that way. I also know that God only has even better things ahead, because that is what his word promises me. It is hard to see because I don't know what is next, but I know he is already there, smoothing out the path, arranging things and I trust that. He is the ultimate planner and has it covered. I can rest in that. I can rest in his goodness. I can rest on his beautiful beach, thank him for this season, these people that will be forever in my life, and get excited for what is next. thankfully, he lets me cry about it all at the same time.

stars

One of my favorite things to do in Haiti is lay on our helicopter pad. Since its not being used for helicopters anymore, I have decided it is the perfect place to look at the stars. I walked past it tonight as I went to brush my teeth and 30 minutes later had yet to brush them. I had been sidetracked by a wonderfully bright moon and what seemed like hundreds of stars. I love stars. They are probably and most definitely one of my favorite things that Jesus has ever made. He did such a good job with them, and I tell him that every night. But tonight as I sat under them, different thoughts crossed my mind. I had been praying before, releasing some worries to God, asking for wisdom, etc etc. It crossed my mind in that moment how much these worries have taught me. It is amazing to me how each season never ceases to teach us something new about God. During college and especially my first year after, I learned the hard and sometimes hungry way how much of a provider God is. I went from pay check to pay check, needed $3000 for a trip to India, had leases end before I would sign a new one and spent my days praying and trusting God for tangible provision. It was one of the hardest seasons and lessons of my life yet you couldn't convince me otherwise today that God takes care of me. I know deep deep down in my spirit, not my mind, that God will always supply all of my needs based on HIS riches and not mine or my pay check or my circumstances or my effort. I would not trade that revelation for anything.

Haiti has been such a season that ends in 14 days and 6 hours to be exact. I will walk away with a lot of things but more than anything I am walking away knowing God as my Father. This part of Him has never been more real to me; the way he LOVES me, is for me, selected me, his promises and daily comfort, his intentions towards me, his protection, its incredible. He gives and gives wisdom and joy and peace, every good thing he has, and he withholds nothing from his children. I know we have heard this verse a million times in a million different scenarios but tonight God chose it to say to me.. "For I know the plans I have for you Jess, plans for good and not to harm, to give you hope and a future." God has plans for me. Before time he sat down and in my imagination wrote down on his planner my name and my life dates and all the in between stuff. Its all right there, written out and ready for me to walk in. He thought about me. How wonderfully thrilling, comforting and humbling is that? More than anything, its enough. Its enough in this moment for me to rest and be at peace when I don't know and don't have all the answers.

What I do know today is that I leave in 2 weeks and I already miss my kids. Sigh. And I hate packing. Double sigh. But I am excited to see my family and go to Harris Teeter- silver lining.

When I am not exhausted and ready for bed I will tell you about my wonderful weekend at a luxury hotel and about the time today when the President of Haiti's sister decided to drop by Greta for a visit. But I am sleepy and my bed is calling. Happy Tuesday Eve.