burnt banana bread

I'm arguably too emotional to be blogging right now but I want to remember this well.

I just told the kids I'm leaving. It felt like I had intentionally set out to hurt each one of them. The looks on their faces, the confusion in their voices... they looked at me the way they do when I tell them they cant play bingo because its not Friday. Devastation.

And I burned the cheer me up banana bread I was baking to, go figure, cheer me up. No amount of baked goods can cure this heart right now. It sounds dramatic but I literally just told my 62 tender hearts that I am leaving in 2 months. In a life where few things are constant and few places for them are safe, I have just removed one for them.

The beautiful thing I will say before I fall into a spiral of sobs and snot was when the open door to share with them about Jesus. They questioned why I was leaving, why God asked me too, if I was SURE it was His voice, how did I hear from Him, what was it like...... so I told them about our dear Dad, who loves to talk to His kids, to hear from them, to hear their questions and answer, who sees us every day, whose voice we were created to know. It was such a protected moment. I had full access to their ears and He had full access to their hearts.

Afterwards I went and read to the little boys, read about David and Goliath and believing God can do big impossible things- through US no doubt, and the story of Saul and Ananias, the importance of obeying God even when its scary- we never know what He could be up to, then I kissed them goodnight, told them how special they were to me, tucked them in and walked home (only to discover said banana bread was burnt).

This weird life. I don't even know how to process this and it would seem I have chosen the ever so trustworthy internet in my meek attempt.

From good to good we trust. We set up camp where God places us and we pack our bags when He moves us. We don't know the wheres or whys but we trust Him. We don't know the who's or hows but we love Him. We will never cease to find him trustworthy- the beautiful combination of a King who is not only willing to help his people but capable. In a world where many are often one or the other, He is both.

So I set my sights on his grace- to cover these precious hearts and to cover mine. To answer our questions with peace and calm our fears with perfect love. Obedience. You find the best things in there. But ultimately, it is there we find Him.

good to good

I just had this realization moment that 2 months from now I wont be able to write on this blog anymore so I should probably take advantage of it while I can.

Truth be told I am sobbing at my computer. I just started writing what will be one letter to every child and employee here. I can't even. I should have known better than to start with my letter to Dave. Eesh.

(Tomorrow I am telling the kids.....)

I have been so focused on the excitement of a new season that I failed to notice I would be letting this one go. And while I KNOW with my knower in my spirit that leaving is right, I know some days its going to feel really wrong. I remember the first goodbye- I had only been here for 6 months and yet I felt like I was falling apart. 3 years later I am saying good bye again, good bye to the best gift God ever gave me. To children that might as well have come from my womb. To a season of harsh growth and expedited learning. To sunny Saturdays at my favorite beach, coconut in hand.

It's best this way- to leave with a full heart, content, thankful. When I look back on it all, it's all I can muster to say- thankful.

Thank you God for beautiful friendships.
Situations that stretched me.
People that challenged me.
Seasons that grew me.
Produced fruit.
Children that loved me, that taught me how to be a mom.
For fears we overcame, songs we sang, heartaches survived.
Things I never imagined I could do.
Dreams conceived. Grown. Harvested.
Bravery.

This I will say- 3 years later- I KNOW my God. Before I lived vicariously through the experiences of others, through their words over my life and insight into His word. Now, nothing and no one could convince me of his love, his father heart, my position as a daughter, his power, steadfastness, patience, faithfulness, like He can. I have seen him for myself. And I love him. I would not trade that for any lack of trial and hardship, ever.

What lies ahead is beautiful. What I am coming out of is beautiful the same. It's a lovely thing, this walk with the Father, to go from good to good, perfect to perfect, covered place to covered place. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart can conceive..."

hard places

I had one of those moments the other night, ya know those cries where it seems the tears and snot are somehow going up your forehead and then dribbling about everywhere else? It was a rough moment. And one that needed to happen but it was also a good moment. Somewhere amidst the weepy wailing and pile of tissues, though I cant say for sure exactly when it happened, I realized I was no longer crying out of hurt but from a place of being loved. The reality of this season and the abounding grace of God that somehow allows the hardest places to be the richest places, just completely hit me flat out.

How does that work exactly? That in a season of heart ache, brokenness and just plain frustration and often times anger, I can experience the deepest, purest, richest love I have ever known. This icky mess that is my heart is being tended to so gently. I cannot comprehend it. Every day I feel the tension and struggle of my issues and hurt grinding against the environment around me yet it always manages to collide with His mercy. And its in that split second that all those lies and fears and harsh realities become the very things that heighten me to his love, faithfulness, loyalty, strength, ability, power, kindness and peace. 

The hardest places are the richest places. Treasure is for those who dig, who venture out beyond what's easy. Peter wasn't in the kiddie pool when Jesus called him out of the boat. He was in the middle of a lake. A lake I imagine to be rather deep. And there just so happened to be a great storm at the time. That hard place became the place where he walked on water with Jesus.

That's where I want to be. I don't want to stay where I feel good and graze the tip of what He is. I want to go in even further, run through the pain, confusion, loneliness, let's call it what it is-crap, that comes and find Him- and here is the beauty- He is not just on the other side. He is right there in the middle of it with you. When Romans 8 talks about the Holy Spirit being our intercessor, Paul used a word in the Greek that I cant remember. But it basically depicts the Holy Spirit jumping right down there in the pit with you, meeting you exactly where you are, coming alongside, and helping you out. What an incredible Jesus. That He would meet us where we are and labor beside us.

I feel so full. Granted, it may be a mixture of pain and joy, but there is joy nonetheless. And it is my strength. 

shameless persistence

"And He said to them, Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and will say to him, Friend, lend me three loaves [of bread], For a friend of mine who is on a journey has just come, and I have nothing to put before him; And he from within will answer, Do not disturb me; the door is now closed, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot get up and supply you [with anything]? I tell you, although he will not get up and supply him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his shameless persistence and insistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs. So I say to you, Ask and keep on asking and it shall be given you; seek and keep on seeking and you shall find; knock and keep on knocking and the door shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks and keeps on asking receives; and he who seeks and keeps on seeking finds; and to him who knocks and keeps on knocking, the door shall be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a loaf of bread, will give him a stone; or if he asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent? If you then, as evil as you are, know how to give good gifts [gifts that are to their advantage] to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!" Luke 11

Shameless persistence. I cannot even think of a way to introduce the words of Jesus without cutting straight through to this- SHAMELESS PERSISTENCE. 

Every Friday here in Haiti- well where I live- is Bingo Day. The children know it, I know it, and in case I didn't, they refuse to let me forget it. On Monday, we are asking for Bingo. Tuesday, Wednesday, every day that is not Friday, we still ask if it is Bingo day. After which I go into my days of the week song and series of questioning "What day do we play bingo?" "Well what day is today?" "So if we play bingo on Friday's and today is Tuesday, then are we playing bingo today?" 9 times out of 10 I am a stickler for the rules. Yet one afternoon, a sweet little dear skipped along side me "Jessica, bingo please, please can I play bingo today?" "No, cherie, today is Sunday and you just played Friday" "oh PLEASE Jessica PLEASE I MUST PLAY BINGO" "No. we only play on Friday's." "I know but PLEASE PLEASE BINGO I MUST PLAY BINGO" 5 minutes later. "Jessica please please BINGO" One hour later, following me wherever I went, her cries for bingo growing louder and more insistent. "OK FINE. You persistent widow. You can play bingo" 

I tell you this long drawn out story about my 6 year old to show you the power of persistence. I held firm, yet she held firm. I gave in one hour later for no reason other than that it had been an hour and I was tired of her asking. I figured if she cared enough about bingo to beg for an hour then she deserved to play. That isn't even what I wanted to type about but its a phrase I have scribbled in my journal that keeps popping up. Shameless Persistence. Shameless in that you are not embarrassed, you don't care what you look like, how you sound, that you don't deserve it, that its not even bingo day...that you've been begging for hours, you don't stop until you are given what you ask. 

I am going to go ahead and side step any comments I need to make about us not thinking this means we can go to God, beg for what we want relentlessly and he will give us anything and everything- because we know better and that would be a waste of time. 

So- piece 1 of today's puzzle- SHAMELESS PERSISTENCE.

Part 2: the conundrum. I am faced with a decision these days that actually has a due date and ever so dramatically affects the rest of my life. After a month of praying and just bringing it up to God, I still don't know yet- or at least I thought I did and now I doubt. I was reading the other day where God told Abraham to pack his bags and GO. He had no clue where but he did and the Scriptures don't say he complained one bit about it. I said to Jesus "Of course he obeyed- Abraham had it easy, at least you told him to go. If you told me what to do, I would obey it Lord." And the Holy Spirit, in all its truth, love and cutting like a 2 edge sword said to me "What have you already been asked to do that you are not obeying?" Ouch. Whatever could he mean? Except I knew exactly what he was talking about it. How can I pick and choose what commands I obey and then beg God for a new one? From here on my heart process went a bit like this: 

When I don't know what to do- I do what I know to do. Am I walking in love? Am I making disciples? Am I walking faith? Am I feeding on His word? Am I thanking Him? Am I praising Him? Am I spending time in intimate worship? Am I praying in the Spirt (who knows all things and searches all things)? If I am not doing those things- operating in the commands of God- I cannot be entrusted with a new assignment or command. 

Luke 17- There are like 10 lepers and they cry out to Jesus to heal them. He doesn't lay hands, doesn't heal them right then and there, he sends them to the priest. AND AS THEY WENT, they were healed. Did you catch that? As they carried out what Christ had commanded them, what they asked for was given. What would have happened if they had argued with him, refused, even to go forward, doubting they would be healed if they went ahead? No, they did what they were told even when they didn't see. It happened as they obeyed. 

I have been reading and re-reading Philippians 4 for the last month. 

"Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice! Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is coming soon]. Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ([definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. And God’s peace [shall be yours, that [c]tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you."

1. Rejoice....ALWAYS

2. Gladden yourself- when you are discouraged, sad, unsure- you- stir yourself up- make yourself glad from His promises (or usually a great way to accomplish this is by blessing others- meeting a need in their life.....)

3. DO NOT FRET OR HAVE ANY ANXIETY ABOUT ANYTHING

4. BUT IN EVERYTHING 

     1. pray with a definite request

     2. be thankful (REALLY CRUCIAL)

     3. continue to make your want known to God

5. THEN HIS PEACE IS YOURS- GUARDING covering securing your heart and mind- surpassing all understanding (of the situation, the pieces, the future, yourself, others)

6. Think on the things of him- meditate on the right things! How else will you not worry and be thankful when things are hard???

7. THEN HE - the God of PEACE- WILL BE WITH YOU

There are too many nuggets in there. But this is what God is telling me. Jess- you don't feel confident or like you know what to too but you can rest assured in My sovereignty. You can be thankful for what you do know, what you will know (because my Word promises wisdom generously as you ask and tells you that I-Jesus- know the plans I have for you and that I am faithful to finish the work I started in you). You can not worry but tell me what you need, you can let My peace be yours. I am with you. When you don't know what to do- don't wish your situation, circumstances away. Do what you already know. And watch how that opens the door for me to shed more light on your path. 

Y'all bottom line- HE IS A GOOD FATHER. He does not withhold from his children what they need or even desire. We ask for wisdom but He gives us peace and wisdom. I asked to show the love of Christ to the nations- he moved me to Haiti and gave me 69 children. We must meditate on who he really is- not this false image we have of a withholding, stingy, limited, -I'm going to make things hard for them- God. Thats not his character. And if we believe that, what can we expect to receive from him? "you have not because you ask not" "it will be according to your faith"

"Trust me", he whispers. "Why did you doubt ME, Peter?", as he started sinking under the wave. Not "Why did you doubt you could walk on water Peter?" but why do we doubt Christ is who he says he is and does what he says he can (or has already proven he can)?

So- its Wednesday, two days from my decision deadline. And I don't know what to do- YET. But I am thankful the answer is coming. That I have the holy spirit living inside me, revealing to me what he hears from the father, who searches the deep things and articulates what I cant, the advocate, guider and counselor. I am thankful as I step out in faith, he guides me, correcting me as needed. And I rejoice in the peace offered and given so lavishly by a generous father. He is a good father. And we are loved. Be shameless in your pursuit of Him. 

birthday wishes of freedom and hope

**Christine Caine- Passion 2012

Life is a lot these days. There is always a cause, always a need, hurt, pamphlet, asking for money, prayers, support and involvement. Everywhere you look there is a story, a number and statistic. I live in Haiti. I see firsthand every day the faces behind the numbers and the true pain behind the news story. Because I am living amongst it, I often selfishly choose to ignore the other things I hear-the seemingly Christian clichés that come and go with the newest trend. Today its abortion, tomorrow it’s the homeless. You almost can’t even keep up with the hurting. It feels too vast. In the last few years it seems all we hear about is sex trafficking and to be honest that is not something I want to hear about. As a 25 going on 26 year-old free woman, the last thing I want to hear about is my fellow sisters around the world in bondage, raped, beaten, discarded, abused, by the minute. I don’t want to know that while I drink my latte, and drive my car, go to church, do my thing,  that someone just like me, in my back yard or around the world has been robbed of this chance. So I ignored it. I scrolled past it and refused to see. “I am already doing my part in the world, I live in Haiti. I see hurt every day. I cannot handle any more. I will let Christine Caine solve slavery.” Besides, its cliché. Everyone is “called” to sex trafficking these days. And I don’t want to be cliché in what God is calling me to.

Then a few Saturdays ago. I am on a plane, uselessly attempting to get the cd drive on my laptop to work so I can watch a movie. I try and try and finally accept defeat. It’s a used computer so I went to see if maybe by some chance there were already movies downloaded. I found a message by one of my favorite teachers and probably people on the planet (thought we have never met, I am sure we would become the closest of friends) Christine Caine. 

She began telling her own story- discovering she was adopted at the age of 35. Finding out she was not even named after her birth but was instead a number in a system. She told of going to Auschwitz, and crying out to God “Where was the church when thousands upon thousands of Jews were brutally murdered?!”, committing her life in that moment to whatever our current day holocaust was. And God showed her. He opened her eyes to the world of human trafficking. And she never looked back. She allowed herself to see the evil that destroyed hundreds of thousands of women, children everywhere every day. Sitting across from a recently rescued victim that simply asked “why didn’t you come sooner?” she made no excuses but instead said she was sorry.

I was stunned. Why had I not ever seen this before? Why did I allow myself to believe some how I was not responsible, able, to do something? Why had I seen these girls as numbers and history instead of someone I could have been? That could have been me. I could have been born somewhere else, bought and sold to be used. Instead I was bought with the blood of Christ to live in freedom. As were they. Yet they live in bondage. I cried on the plane. Maybe I was not called to start an organization or rescue these women myself, but as a believer, as a member of the body of Christ, there is one thing I know. I am responsible. I am responsible for these women. I can no longer do nothing.

Please hear that I am not suddenly a saint saving the world. I am not the one on the ground doing the hard work, making the sacrifice, taking the risk. I just want to help however I can. And I need your help too.

There are so many ways to get involved and so many people to join hands with. You choose how you want to. But please don’t wait as long as I did. Please decide that today is the day to do something. Not just for human slavery, but for our brother, our sister, our children, around the world, starving, sick, lost, hopeless. We carry the light they need. Let’s bring the light to the dark. I've written on this before, check out my link if you want to read more.      

                    http://jessisgoing2haiti.blogspot.com/2014/01/light-in-dark_29.html

I work for an organization called Samaritan’s Purse and I am ashamed to say that I have not been the Good Samaritan. I have been the levite, the priest that walked on the other side of the road to get to my ministry, my calling, my purpose, my anointing. I have walked past those in need in order to meet my needs and my convenience, not allowing myself to be interrupted. 

My birthday is in 2 months. This year, I am asking you all for a present. I am asking that you support the A21 Campaign and other organizations like it. More specifically I am asking you to write a letter to one of the girls they have rescued. Speak light into closed off hearts, speak freedom to those in bondage, speak the word that was in the beginning, that was God, was with God, that became flesh to dwell in and among us. The word that is power, cutting like a double edged sword, the word that brings life. Speak Jesus to them.  My goal is 26 letters since it is my 26^th birthday but I have like 800 Facebook friends so I think we can do better than that.  Besides- you cant beat a free birthday present. Check out the link below to find out where to send your letter and shoot me a message to let me know you did it.  http://www.a21.org/content/write-a-letter/gjdpl6

This seems small. The issue seems so big. But don’t think of it as a number. Picture the face of one of these girls, picture your sister, your daughter, your best friend that could have been the one, kidnapped, raped and beaten over 40 times just today. We are not removed from this because it is not happening to us. We are responsible. The church cannot be silent.

“He has rescued us so we can arise, reach back and rescue others. Not for us to have a christian bless me club but so we can make a difference in a dark world”- Christine Caine

As I start this next year of my life God has given me, I carry the responsibility of having life, life in abundance. Of not keeping it to myself but sharing it with others. 

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free" Galatians 5:1

The word and joy and jesus

Twice in 2 days- that is a new record for me. But I couldn’t keep away, not after the response I got from yesterday’s blog post. I am humbled really, especially since I re-read my post 15 times over and thought to myself I had forgotten so many key things I was thinking and hoping to articulate. But I am so glad it spoke to you all.

Trials are something we can all share in, they are certainly no respecter of persons. In these critical days for the Kingdom of God, how we respond to our troubles, how we interact with other (believers and non-believers a like) in the midst of them, and how we view God through it all is more important than we can know. Things won’t get easier, the issues and enemies will simply change faces and forms. Our job is to remain hidden under the Shadow of the Almighty- inaccessible to the enemy. His power no foe can withstand. (Psalm 91 AMP) Stop and read Psalm 91 for a second. Then read Psalm 34 where David writes- “He who seeks the Lord (who inquires and requires of Him on the authority of His word) shall lack no beneficial thing.” I want to call your attention to the “on the authority of His word” part because that’s the secret. Not that we won’t lack good things, not that we must seek the Lord, but how we seek him. We seek him through our God given, blood purchased right, as we approach the throne of grace and mercy in our time of need (Hebrews something). We come to him because His word tells us to and we come to Him through His word. The word is working on our behalf, constantly, through all of the things we face, AS WE LET IT. It only works as we let it. Just like my hair dryer doesn’t dry my hair simply because it sits in my bathroom and is in my possession. No that would be quite silly (and actually pretty awesome if it worked that way). It works because it’s in my mouth, out of my tongue, in my spirit, in my heart. Go back to Psalm 34- those who look to You for help will be radiant with Joy. James 1- consider it PURE joy when you face trials….JOY JOY JOY. I’ve written about this before, it’s my favorite and only loved math equation. His presence is the fullness of joy and the joy of the Lord is our strength, therefore His presence=Joy. The joy we receive when we come to him for help, knowing he helps us (because he keeps us in perfect peace whose mind is fixed on him Isaiah something, when we set our eyes on things above Colossians something, when we ask him for wisdom knowing He generously gives it, James something) confident in our position as his children and therefore knowing our right to ask him for help and for his help , makes us strong and that is how we overcome. That is how we pass through. It’s all about Him, His word.

When I was a kid, I knew I was supposed to read my Bible but no one ever told me why. But John 1 tells me why- in the beginning was the Word and the Word was God and the Word was with God….. the Word is life- its Jesus. So when I need more of him- I read the word. When I need to know what to do- I read the word. When I need peace- I read the Word. When I want to know Him more- I read the word. The word the word the word the word. When we truly realize through his revelation power how powerful and alive the word really is, we will eat it like cold mint oreos from the fridge.

I am in a ramble-y mood today. I am just at peace. For the first time in 2 years. Peace that is not removable or just in my back pack. It’s in my heart. Because I’m looking at my King. And he is loving me so well through it all. I mean as I was flying back to Haiti on Monday I was sobbing, knowing it was about to be really hard and I was going to have to sacrifice my flesh- a good sobbing, like He was breaking part of myself to make me like himself. And I looked up out the plane window and there were a lot of clouds and rain but my plane was literally flying under and through a full rainbow. And I heard God say clearly “Jess, I am taking you directly through my promises, I have never left you and I never will” and His spirit continued to minister to me throughout the day and the days following.

And he is ministering to you. Those of you reading this feeling like you are about to crumble. I promise you wont. Though it definitely feels like it. You are a broken vessel. And His light is pouring through you, for all the world to see. Don’t hide what you are going through. Be transparent with someone, share with others what is happening, let them encourage you and see Christ working in you.

We know the ending- we win it all because He won it all. “Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us STRIP OFF every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. (What slows you down? For me its fear, pride, and being easily offended) And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the CHAMPION who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the JOY set before Him….” Hebrews 12:1-2 (and while you are in there, read Hebrews 11:33-35 too…that will really pump you up)

There it is again, Joy. You keep your joy by staying close to him. He is our Joy.

Erosion

Everyone wants to be strong, faith filled and hopeful. That’s what we pray for, that is what we cry out to God for and say "God make me strong, make me a woman after your heart, develop the fruits of Your Spirit in me, make me brave, bold, courageous. Make me valiant, an intercessor. Make me like Jesus."

Somehow I guess we have just assumed over the centuries that cry alone is what makes us those things. That they are somehow attributes we can put in a back pack each day and take with us.

At least I thought so. I would pack my bag the night before, hoping to put good things in, a piece of patience, some love, a slice of grace and extra strength, depending on how much I would need. Then something would happen, wouldn’t you know. And rarely in those moments was my backpack to be found. Or somehow it seemed I had used up all my resources for the day and whatever patience I had planned on rationing the night before had been completely used.

Is that just me? Or does anyone else wish or currently fall under the pretense that you can by your spiritual fruit at Harris Teeter?  Almost three years into my term in Haiti and I may have just been hit in the head with a coconut because here is my revelation: The character of God, those things we pray and plead for to happen in us, are not removable, optional for the day, something we put on like a sweater and buy at the store. It is developed in us.  I know, its crazy and absurd. I come with breaking news that 9 times out of 10 those fruits are grown out of trials. As I walk through what I can quite genuinely say is the biggest trial of my life thus far, I am finally getting it. That the things I feel are going to break me, what the enemy may have actually sent to destroy me, are the very things used to make me. 

I cant really put into words all that I am experiencing and probably shouldn’t but I just want you to know, as I am now realizing for myself, that what you are going through is meant to grow you. The Lord showed me last night from that verse in Isaiah about how when you pass through rough waters, I (Jesus) will be with you. We will pass through waters. The waters may be there for a while. But we will pass through. We will come out. And he will be with us. He showed me a river, as a big rock moves through it, its being tossed and turned, sometimes feeling like its upside down (if rocks had feelings) not knowing which way was up. Sometimes it smashes against other rocks and scrapes against them. But at every turn and jolt and bump, its being smoothed over, rounded out, refined, shaped. Erosion- to gradually produce or form. The rock is being changed as it flows through the turbulence. Fancy that. 

And He is with us. During this. He walks with us through it. Through the fire, which Peter says “beloved DON’T BE bewildered at the fiery ordeal which is taken place to test your quality, as though something strange, unusual, and alien to you and your position, were befalling you. Rejoice, so that when His glory is revealed, you may also rejoice with triumph.” Dont freak out! Dont wonder why this is happening and what you did wrong or why God left you. 

January of 2013 I stood on a stage singing worship for the last time at my church before I left for Haiti, thinking I was going for 5 months. A visiting Pastor turned to me in the middle of it and said to everyone (but to me)  “ the reason you think you are going to Haiti is not the reason you are actually going for” To this day I had no idea what she was talking about- though 90% of the people who heard that word that day thought it meant a husband. Today, 5 minutes ago, I realized that this season, this specific trial I am going through is why I am here. This is my training ground. This growth spurt that is quite painful, that I would like to get out of, escape, give up and let go of. But truthfully, I am honored. I am honored that God would choose me to walk through this, to be patient with me as I grow and learn, to support my leader, to represent him in the midst of what seems like a giant gloomy mountain of doom and impossibility. But my God is in the business of moving those, and using random 25 year old girls that just happen to love him but look completely unqualified to do it.

Praise him and praise him more. He is with us. He is ever with us. And he desires that we continually bear fruit- like the tree in Jeremiah. It bears fruit all the time, in the drought, in the famine, because those things come! But it still bears fruit- why? Because its roots grew down deep into the water. They aren’t bothered. How about you? Are you easily bothered when things happen? I know I can be. I want things to be easy believe it or not and the race I signed up for is anything but. But I will keep running, keep going, towards the prize the goal of becoming like him, for the joy set before me. (Thank God there is rarely actual running involved).  Because that is what he did for me and that is what he asks of me. Better yet- its what he created me, enables me and empowers me to do through his Holy Spirit that also "coincidentally" lives inside of me. 

There is no power behind the things we face. Its all pseudo power. He has transferred us from the power of darkness into the kingdom of his son, remember? (Col 1:13-14) AND by the by, he has overcome the world- DEPRIVED it of its power to conquer us. (John 16:33) Yes, the things happening are real, but the reality and truth is not based on what we see, its based on His Word and what His Word says.

I awoke from blog hibernation to tell you this. Look at His word- set your eyes on things above, the things you cannot see. Stand strong in the Lord. He has not given us the spirit of fear that we so desperately cling to but He has given us a spirit of power, a spirit of love, and a sound mind. We have all that we need in him for everything we face. And there is another side. Just like the disciples in the boat as the storm came. Jesus put them in the boat to get to the other side. He is taking you there, he is just taking you through some things first to make you like him, so that you can know Him, not just know OF Him.

Keep going. He will see you through.

remembrance

Today I went to visit my dear friend down the path. He is the one I wrote about in August. After a serious car accident, his spine was crushed in many places and he is currently paralyzed from the waist down. After a few weeks in the hospital he accepted Christ. He is now back at home after months in the hospital and his spirit is inspiring, his faith unwavering.

We walked down the dirt road, passing families making dinner, ladies washing clothes, chickens, goats, more goats and then to his house. It was such a nice afternoon, talking to him, spending time with his family. We talked about his day, his family, my family, work, but inevitably came back to his "situation", his paralysis.

I would just like to say this and bear in mind, I am saying it to myself. In 2 Timothy 1:6 Paul tells Timothy to bring in to remembrance the faithfulness of God. I was thinking about that this morning, making a literal list of all the ways God has shown himself faithful to me in the past 25 years; that time I was 2 and almost died, the time I broke my foot and God healed it, the time I needed $1500 for India in 2 days and received $1800, the time I was unemployed and didn't have money for food or rent or gas and God provided every day in every way, the time I was believing for an international job and moved to Haiti, etc etc etc. The more I wrote, the more that came to mind of the goodness of God, His hand always on me, His plan for my life, and His love for me. I felt foolish for facing my challenges now with such discouragement and impatience. How could I forget what He is capable of? How can I not see His continued faithfulness in light of His past faithfulness? He is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever more; I am convinced of this. And I am convinced that His promises hold true for us as they did for those we read about. That His healing is for us now (1 Peter 2:24), His protection (Psalm 91), His love, goodness chasing us (Psalm 23) in every aspect of our lives. ONLY good comes from Him and He is working everything out for those who love Him, who abide in Him. (John 15, Romans 8:28)

I have regressed. But this faith I describe is the faith of my friend. It grows in him daily, regardless of paralysis, regardless of what the doctors have told him. He believes he will walk again. And I do too. So pray for my friend. He doesn't have a church, Kenneth Copeland tapes or books on authority and healing and promises. He has one Bible and the Holy Spirit. Yet his faith is immense. And according to the Bible enough to move mountains. Pray for encouragement, strength, healing, abundance of joy in the hardship.

And as you pray for his faith, stir up yours. Write down what God has been for you. Choose to look at past victories and envision the future ones. Trust that His faithfulness continues each day, He may not do it the same, but He will do it. His word says it.