light in the dark

Once more Jesus addressed the crowd. He said, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me will not be walking in the dark, but will have the Light which is Life. John 8:12

 

There is this song we sing at church, In Jesus Name, by Darlene Z… however you spell her last name. The climax of the song goes like this “God is fighting for us, pushing back the darkness, lighting up the kingdom that cannot be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and we will shout it out, shout it out.” I am a huge fan of this song, not necessarily how high I have to sing when we do it but the message behind it. I caught it the first time we practiced it and the revelation has stayed with me. I sing it in my head or out loud at least once a day here and its words have carried so much power for me.  Today I came face to face with the reality of those words, the reality of darkness. We like to sing songs like this because it promises light and Jesus and power but I guess I never really thought about what happens when I’m in the dark. I was singing this from my lit up world where the people I surrounded myself with knew Jesus and believed what I did.  I sang it this morning in a place where light was dim, where it seemed as though maybe the darkness would win. It’s strange. We know it, we are told about it by Jesus himself, that we are the salt and the light, a city on a hill. Yet often times I find my own heart shying away from the darkness. After all, how could one little light like myself really make much of a difference? I am just one light, and though I am not the only one here, I still feel out numbered.

I was talking to the Lord about this today, asking him why certain things happen the way they do, hurt, suffering, why the people I see every day have so much pain, or hatred or darkness. I came to a place in my time with him where my humanity became ever so real. I so long and pray to be used and sent and world changing. And it’s sincere. Sometimes I think I forget though that light can’t stay in lit places. That I shouldn’t be surprised when I encounter the darkness.  And we sing about being light and being bright and never take into account the darkness we must face. It’s not easy. Darkness seems to prevail, it seems to be bigger and greater. But I am here to remind you and myself that it isn’t. And the bottom basic mere line here is that I was not called to shy away from it. To be the light you have to deal with the dark. We want to be the light from a distance but it doesn’t work that way. A candle lights up exactly what is surrounding it. I cant put a candle in one room and expect it to show me anything in another. God has put me smack dab in the dark. My flesh, the Jessica in me wants to panic, get overwhelmed, frustrated, fearful and yet the God in me says remember “God is fighting for you, pushing back the darkness, lighting up a kingdom that CANNOT be shaken. In the name of Jesus, enemy’s defeated, and I WILL shout it out.”

Today is bizarre, stretching beyond what I thought I was prepared to bear. BUT I am not on my own, after all I am not the light because of anything I am. I am the light because of the light in me, the light of the world, the hope of this world. He is in me and he is shining, through crappy situations that make me want to scream and run the other direction. He shines through my words, my actions, my silence when I could speak, my mercy and my humility. Realities like this are hard. They force us out of comfortable places, causing us to evaluate what is really in our hearts. Its always easier to stay where you blend in, its always easier to stay where there is light, always.  But God has asked of us otherwise. He has commanded us to the dark places, in Boone, in North Carolina, in Haiti, every bit of everywhere. It’s a daily choice and it never FEELS easy. But his grace is abounding. And his word is full of promises. “No, despite all these things, OVERWHELMING victory is ours through Christ Jesus who loved us.” Romans 8:37. Boom. There it is. How can you even argue with a promise that solid and good. He knew the examples that would cause us to doubt it, the darkness that would hinder us from seeing it. But he knows the end, he gives the victory to us now.

I say all this to myself, to remind myself tonight that my prayers are powerful, my words carry life, and that my spirit has the same power that rose jesus from the grave. No power can stand against him. “No one after he has lighted a lamp covers it with a vessel or puts it under a [dining table] couch; but he puts it on a lampstand, that those who come in may see the light.” Luke 8:16. Jesus didn’t put his light in you so you could keep it to yourself. It’s there for others and to give him glory. Sing the song from VBS, soak up his word, and let it shine.

week deux

I feel like I should blog because I haven't this week but I hardly feel like I have much to say at this point. Week 1 is complete, only 51 to go, but whose counting anyways?






I have spent most of my time at JAX (our main SP base on the beach) but will be at Greta the rest of the week. I've already baked a few times, cinnamon rolls and the best brownies ever, just in case you wondering.




My day to day has been mostly working at Greta, finagling (fenagaling...how do you spell that word? Is it actually a word?) my way through my new role. If you are interested in praying for me, which, why wouldn't you be, since it works incredibly, I could use prayer in this category. I hardly feel qualified for the job I am in, in fact I often wonder why they hired me. I don't have a lot of experience, I didn't study anything related to this and I'm only 24. It is intimidating at times to think of the task ahead of me, knowing that I do want to do well for these kids, provide the best support possible for my executive director and ultimately please the Lord in all I do. Sweet Jesus gently reminded me last night that none of those above reasons are actually reasons at all and that he chose me because I will obey him, because I desire to do what he has asked. I am not allowed to speak negatively about myself, my abilities or seemingly lack there of. What I am allowed to do is found in Colossians 2:3. "In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Seek him. Search out the hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge that are so beyond me yet completely accessible to me through him.






Anyways, today I went to Petit Guave and opened my Haitian bank account. We are required to do this in order to get our permis de sejour (visa). And then I worked, did zumba, ate French fries, made brownies and played speed scrabble. Just in case you wanted my full schedule.






If you have any questions about anything, whoever you readers are, please feel free to ask and I will tell you all about whatever it is.






And to relieve any fears of any certain relatives I may have, I am feeling 100% better, back to my normal self.


Oh one more thing, if you are interested in seeing how you can donate or get involved in things we need here, let me know. :)






Last but definitely not least, the best part of my everyday and the first boy to ask me to marry him since I was in kindergarten....

a new familiar

It is a surreal thing to be posting on this blog again. When I left 6 months ago I wasn't sure this would happen or if I even wanted it to. But after a tough but good season of learning, struggling, growing, processing, here I am, back in my Caribbean home. I'm at the end of day 3 and I would say at this point little has gone according to plan. Well, my plan at least.

Travel down here was one for the books. When Gracie prayed for me at my going away festivities for people on the plane that could encourage me etc I could not even foresee what that would be. Long story short, after moving seats 3 times, I ended up next to a girl that I would never have guessed was a God send. She prayed with me the entire flight down as I experienced medical issues, held my hand, joined me in my faith. I spent the first night on the phone with our nurse in another city and woke up early the next day to go straight back to Port-au-Prince for a few tests. Don't freak out, I am fine. But those were not my favorite days. I am feeling much better, have enjoyed 2 full days with my babies and am staying at Greta for the first time tonight in my new house.

The not so good:

1. Change is hard. Life happens, people come and go and people going has always been hard for me. When you have experienced something only one way to return and find it completely different it can be unsettling. Many of the people I came to know and love at base have left, and though we have so many great new faces, its still weird.

2. I forgot what mosquitoes were. So much to the point that I did not bring a drop of bug spray. Luckily we have it around here by the gallons so I am covered, but still. The first bite was quite a shock.

3. Cold showers, with mosquitoes. I forgot about those too.

The great:

1. My kids. Oh my, the first hugs were sweet. Every morning when I see them its like they have forgotten all over again that I am here and we get to have the same excited exchange. I still can hardly believe I'm back, sitting with them, holding them, playing silly games, asking them what's in their mouth, kissing them goodnight. It's the good kind of weird. They have all grown up so much since I left but still have the same laughs, quirks, habits, personalities that I love about them. Get ready for picture overload of crumb covered faces.  

2. My house- holy moly, Jesus is so sweet. Favorite colors, great kitchen, can you say BATH TUB, hot shower, incredible. More than I would have even thought to ask for which makes it an even greater gift.

3.Sunsets over the ocean. Did you see the one I posted on facebook? They are just heavenly.

4. No more snow!

I want to say thank you so much everyone for all of your prayers. Continue to pray for me as I transition into my new role here. Pray that Jesus would reveal to me the specific things he has already placed in me that I can do here, gifts I was created to use. Pray for continued protection, health, joy, determination, vision. It has been a whirlwind of a week and I am very much looking forward to a relaxing weekend at the beach with a friend I have missed beyond measure.

I cant wait to tell you all about the goings on here, our new, well new to me, community children that attend our school (lets talk about that for a second. teeny tiny precious little babies that don't have to know you to cling to you. I have so many shadows these days), phoebe buffay, my girl kitten who turned out to be a boy, day to day life in Haiti and the GOODNESS of God that is working and moving and changing and healing, even me.

Life feels weird right now. But I trust so strongly in my God. This is so beyond me he has no choice but to come in and be everything he has promised and everything I need. The strength in my weakness, light in the darkness. If there is one thing I learned after Monday its that God has overcome. He has complete victory and his word says its ours. We share in his victory over the enemy, over the things of this world. Nothing can separate us from him, not a thing. Colossians 1:13 [The Father] HAS DELIVERED and drawn us to Himself out of the control and dominion of darkness and has transferred us into the kingdom of the Son of his love."  I can rest assured in that, that as I look around and begin to feel defeat, the Holy Spirit reminds me of what Christ has already done and the power in that act.

I am exhausted and those little ones get up early so that's all for now! Happy Friday eve!

3 days

I am not really sure what to write. I feel like I need to say something because I leave in 3 days. But that fact alone makes me want to crawl under my covers and not talk to anyone. In order to avoid being a complete Debbie Downer and ruin my last moments here, lets take a minute and review all the happy things the past 6 months has brought my way. This should make me feel better right?

1. the beach. lets talk about how I open my door every morning and the first thing I see is the ocean, like 10 feet from my door. how its the last thing I hear at night and provides the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen every night after dinner. amazing. i might have to move to a beach after this.

2. fresh fruit every day. watermelon, mango, pineapple, all the good stuff, everyday. pre cut for me, all i have to do is eat it.

3. babies. adorable sticky kissing crazy precious sweet and all mine. no matter what horrid thing they have just done, five seconds later i cant even remember and i am ready to kiss them all over.

4. relationships. i have met the best people here. i could write paragraphs on all of them, how they have all been instrumental in growing me as a person, challenging me, encouraging me, loving me, teaching me....i think this is making me sad instead of cheering me up. i have to stop.

I know I am sad right now, and that it is ok to feel that way. I also know that God only has even better things ahead, because that is what his word promises me. It is hard to see because I don't know what is next, but I know he is already there, smoothing out the path, arranging things and I trust that. He is the ultimate planner and has it covered. I can rest in that. I can rest in his goodness. I can rest on his beautiful beach, thank him for this season, these people that will be forever in my life, and get excited for what is next. thankfully, he lets me cry about it all at the same time.

stars

One of my favorite things to do in Haiti is lay on our helicopter pad. Since its not being used for helicopters anymore, I have decided it is the perfect place to look at the stars. I walked past it tonight as I went to brush my teeth and 30 minutes later had yet to brush them. I had been sidetracked by a wonderfully bright moon and what seemed like hundreds of stars. I love stars. They are probably and most definitely one of my favorite things that Jesus has ever made. He did such a good job with them, and I tell him that every night. But tonight as I sat under them, different thoughts crossed my mind. I had been praying before, releasing some worries to God, asking for wisdom, etc etc. It crossed my mind in that moment how much these worries have taught me. It is amazing to me how each season never ceases to teach us something new about God. During college and especially my first year after, I learned the hard and sometimes hungry way how much of a provider God is. I went from pay check to pay check, needed $3000 for a trip to India, had leases end before I would sign a new one and spent my days praying and trusting God for tangible provision. It was one of the hardest seasons and lessons of my life yet you couldn't convince me otherwise today that God takes care of me. I know deep deep down in my spirit, not my mind, that God will always supply all of my needs based on HIS riches and not mine or my pay check or my circumstances or my effort. I would not trade that revelation for anything.

Haiti has been such a season that ends in 14 days and 6 hours to be exact. I will walk away with a lot of things but more than anything I am walking away knowing God as my Father. This part of Him has never been more real to me; the way he LOVES me, is for me, selected me, his promises and daily comfort, his intentions towards me, his protection, its incredible. He gives and gives wisdom and joy and peace, every good thing he has, and he withholds nothing from his children. I know we have heard this verse a million times in a million different scenarios but tonight God chose it to say to me.. "For I know the plans I have for you Jess, plans for good and not to harm, to give you hope and a future." God has plans for me. Before time he sat down and in my imagination wrote down on his planner my name and my life dates and all the in between stuff. Its all right there, written out and ready for me to walk in. He thought about me. How wonderfully thrilling, comforting and humbling is that? More than anything, its enough. Its enough in this moment for me to rest and be at peace when I don't know and don't have all the answers.

What I do know today is that I leave in 2 weeks and I already miss my kids. Sigh. And I hate packing. Double sigh. But I am excited to see my family and go to Harris Teeter- silver lining.

When I am not exhausted and ready for bed I will tell you about my wonderful weekend at a luxury hotel and about the time today when the President of Haiti's sister decided to drop by Greta for a visit. But I am sleepy and my bed is calling. Happy Tuesday Eve.

3 weeks

It is currently raining cats and goats here and I am snuggled up in my cozy cozy bed after a "Monday." In honor of day 22 and because it is always the answer to my woes, I attempted to bake a chocolate pound cake like my aunt kay makes. It didn't turn out quite the same but I did have a really good time making it and unwinding from my day.

We are all on "full alert" here as Tropical Storm Chantal makes her way towards us. River watchers at post, sand bags, making sure we have enough milk, yada yada. We are supposed to get it sometime late Wednesday but its a fast mover so should not last too long.

I got another goodbye note today from one of the kids....seriously if you think about it between now and a while from now, I would covet your prayers. Not sure how I am going to leave this place, these people, my babies and in the same breathe cannot wait to see my friends and family and EAT.

Oh and this is awesome, yesterday my generous pregnant friend shared her pickle stash with me. Oh my heavens, talk about things that make you feel like you can run the race and finish it. I have not had a pickle in I don't even know how long and these were life changing. I love pickles.

That was day 22. 3 weeks from tomorrow. Super weird. Jesus is Lord.

dreams: day 25

In recent weeks as I have spoken with several of my closest and dearest friends, I have stumbled upon a theme that rings true not only for their lives but for mine. Conversation after conversation has included in some way shape or form the struggle of dreams, the visions and desires God has placed in us to do. While each person has been a bit different, they all said the same thing, "I just want to know what I am supposed to do with my life, what God has for me."

I empathize completely. Here I am 25 days away from the end of my time in Haiti and I could not have less of a clue as to what is next. That may freak some of you out, and if we're being honest, at times it scares me a bit too. The incessant planner in me dreams of a life with a giant life long calendar. I could jot down my life events (color coordinated of course), know exactly when certain things would happen, who it would involve, where, all the w's. There would be no surprises, no guesses, no waiting in the unknown, just a mapped out and ever so organized life. I know I would be bored, I know that taking the surprise out of things would be absolutely no fun at all but wouldn't ya know it would sure be easy.

I mean, do any of you feel that way? Do you ever just sit down and say, "God, I would do whatever it was I just don't know what it is." I do. I say it at least 4 times a day. I think to myself, if I just sat down and wrote out the things I enjoyed, the things that made me joyful, the desires I have in me that I believe are from God, I could figure this thing out. I even have a page on my wall "Things I am Believing God For" that I see everyday. It is not a wish list but real things with scriptures to match that I believe God is going to do in my life. The salvation of my family, a godly, kind, praying, (can I say HOT) husband, etc etc. All things I know he wants for me because, guess what, they are in his word!

I have gotten sidetracked. My point I guess is this...I was re- reading it the other day and it is a verse I hold dear in my heart.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21. The amplified version says "but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will STAND."

I have zero answers. Literally, I have zero answers. With each one of my friends I just agreed, shared the Word and agreed some more. I don't know what is next for me after Haiti, I don't know just exactly what it is that I am called to do in this world. I know I love baking and naps, that is pretty much as far as I have gotten. What I do know though, I am more than ok with- that even when I don't know the plans of God for me YET, I can still stand on it, him. I do that by walking in faith (its not faith if you can see it) and by trusting him, not by being afraid to do anything or saying every day that I don't know.

The planner in me wants to have it all figured out but the Word in me says even if you did have it planned, the Lords purpose is going to go on regardless. And that is what I want, isn't it what we all really want anyways? To do and be and love the things that he does? That he has for us?

That is my day 25 countdown nugget of wisdom just for me. Because some days you just have to remind yourself of the anchor that is trustworthy, faithful to perform his Word, because if he said it, he'll do it.

Today I got the sweetest goodbye letter from a 13 year old boy. Things that make it difficult to countdown. Currently, the only dream I have is for the cricket that has been chirping for 6 days straight to die a terrible death. Things that make it easy to leave.

So. Day 25. Dreams, crickets and love letters. Not too shabby.

countdown begins

Yesterday I began the process of telling all 71 of my sweet babes that I will be leaving on July 30th. Talk about the agony. They all handle it differently, some don't even really understand. But I do, and it sucks. Part of my heart is ready and the part that still loves them at the end of a long and sometimes ridiculous day isn't. I am not sure how my last day will go but in the meantime the countdown has begun. 28 days. 28 days left of one of the best, well, actually maybe the best season so far of my life. I know it only gets better from here but there are a few dear little hearts that are making this feel impossible.

I know that time can fly, that your days can come and go before you even realize it. I am going to try to keep track of each day as best as I can. I know future me will love to look back and read all of this one day when maybe even just a smidge more of my puzzle is filled in and some of this makes a bit of sense.

Today was normal at work. I am actually staying the night again. I can count on that including a long day, a bed time story and sweet kisses as I tuck them in...and probably not a lot of sleep for me.

I re-read my blog post from last week about the goodness of God chasing me and I guess sometimes we forget even the things we ourselves learn and write. God reminded through that and then some of how much he loves me and (sigh of relief) how in control of my life he is. He has already gone ahead in time, made all my paths smooth, pre-arranged blessings, people. I really love him, and he happens to love me too. :)

With that thought, my air conditioned work space has been commandeered by some rowdy pre teens who just must watch a soccer match. So that's that.

Day 28. Come and almost gone. Here is to day 27 and finishing off the last bits of my cinnamon toast crunch from my care package. God is good people, God is good.

surely goodness

"Surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6

I read somewhere recently that in this particular verse, the Hebrew word for follow is radaph. Literally translated, radaph means "to pursue, to run after, to chase, to hunt down".

Though hunt down sounds a bit traumatic I really love this word, everything it entails. If I am being completely honest, as usual, lately I have not felt very chased by the goodness of God. I have felt tired, frustrated, alone, the opposite of good. But tonight as I spent some time in prayer and worship, all I could mutter was God you are good. You are so good. And His Spirit took me to this verse. That is when it came alive for me. The words I had been reading left the page and took over me. I felt chased, I felt pursued, I felt sought out, charted and tracked by the love and presence and blessing of God.

I am not just talking about blessings like wealth, and health bla bla. I am talking about his joy peace kindness love mercy. All the good stuff. The heart of what God is. It fills my stomach with butterflies to think about. That throughout my day, my sometimes tear jerking hot and sweaty day while I may be running this way or that, literally or in my heart and mind, no matter where I go, his goodness and mercy are not only behind me but they overtake me.

That my dear friends in something worth resting in. I don't want to go any further in it. I just want to sit there. Which is basically where the writer goes with that verse..."and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." When the love and grace of God overcome you, the only thing to do is rest in it, dwell in it, soak it up. It may be at 5am as your alarm goes off and you are already dreading your day. It  may be at 5pm when the kids need to be fed, and dinner isn't ready and your husband had a bad day. It may be the night before a final, a work presentation, as you travel, as you tell the children for the millionth time to not eat chalk. But it happens. It finds you. He finds you, because he knows where you are.

Surely. That word says to me with assurance, "well of course..." Of course the goodness of God is chasing you today. Of course its pursuing your every move. Surely. Because He loves you. And nothing delights him more than to overwhelm you with himself.

That is my mini thought for the day. It has nothing to do with my day except that at every challenge, road block, frustrating tear filled moment, he reminded me of his goodness pursuing me. Write it on your heart, your bathroom mirror and your dashboard. Radaph- the goodness of God chases me today.

kokoye

Let me tell you a tale about a girl who went on an adventure and now lies in bed tired beyond belief covered in aloe vera because her entire body hurts.

8:30am- Leave base ready for an adventure. With backpacks, bathing suits, snorkeling gear and tons of water, we are off to Kokoye Beach.

9:30- Arrive in TrooChouChou. The beach cannot be reached by road, only by boat or on foot so we start hiking.

Our view from the top.

The patch of white and sea of turquoise is where we are headed.

9:32- Wow, this hike is pretty steep but not too bad. I had heard horror stories of how hard it was but I think I can do this.

10:00- We make our way down to this:

Miles and miles of untouched and uninhabited beach. Secluded, quiet and perfect for my Saturday.

10:00-4:00- I floated on a float in the ocean, went for a walk and found beautiful conk shells, ate fried banana chips and then floated some more.

"I don't know what everyone was talking about with that hike. It was not that bad. I cant believe we don't come here more often....this is the most beautiful place. I am so coming here again"

4:00- Put on my tennis shoes and begin the climb back to the top. We now have to get back up to here.

4:06- "hey you guys, I can hear my heart beat in my head, I don't think that is normal"

4:07- "um can we take a break, I am going to vomit."

4:11- "Jessica you can do this, just take 100 steps and then we can stop," said Rebecca, encourager of the year.

4:11- "Has it been 100 yet?" "No, 20."

4:17- "I cant believe how hard this is. I know exactly why we don't come here more often....this place sucks. I am never coming here again."

You get the idea.

At 4:50 I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and made it to the car.

6:00- get in the shower. I have turned into a tomato. 

I look like this, lines and all going right down my side. Its like I have a bathing suit on, when I don't.

My day went from being the most serene and peaceful to h-e- double hockey stick and back. It is seriously the most beautiful beach I have ever been to and completely set away, the perfect place to relax and yet the worst hike I have ever been on. I dont think I have ever been a bigger wimp in my life.

All in all, despite its traumatic last hour and my dramatic attitude, it was a lovely day...that I will probably never experience again. The end.