burnt banana bread

I'm arguably too emotional to be blogging right now but I want to remember this well.

I just told the kids I'm leaving. It felt like I had intentionally set out to hurt each one of them. The looks on their faces, the confusion in their voices... they looked at me the way they do when I tell them they cant play bingo because its not Friday. Devastation.

And I burned the cheer me up banana bread I was baking to, go figure, cheer me up. No amount of baked goods can cure this heart right now. It sounds dramatic but I literally just told my 62 tender hearts that I am leaving in 2 months. In a life where few things are constant and few places for them are safe, I have just removed one for them.

The beautiful thing I will say before I fall into a spiral of sobs and snot was when the open door to share with them about Jesus. They questioned why I was leaving, why God asked me too, if I was SURE it was His voice, how did I hear from Him, what was it like...... so I told them about our dear Dad, who loves to talk to His kids, to hear from them, to hear their questions and answer, who sees us every day, whose voice we were created to know. It was such a protected moment. I had full access to their ears and He had full access to their hearts.

Afterwards I went and read to the little boys, read about David and Goliath and believing God can do big impossible things- through US no doubt, and the story of Saul and Ananias, the importance of obeying God even when its scary- we never know what He could be up to, then I kissed them goodnight, told them how special they were to me, tucked them in and walked home (only to discover said banana bread was burnt).

This weird life. I don't even know how to process this and it would seem I have chosen the ever so trustworthy internet in my meek attempt.

From good to good we trust. We set up camp where God places us and we pack our bags when He moves us. We don't know the wheres or whys but we trust Him. We don't know the who's or hows but we love Him. We will never cease to find him trustworthy- the beautiful combination of a King who is not only willing to help his people but capable. In a world where many are often one or the other, He is both.

So I set my sights on his grace- to cover these precious hearts and to cover mine. To answer our questions with peace and calm our fears with perfect love. Obedience. You find the best things in there. But ultimately, it is there we find Him.

good to good

I just had this realization moment that 2 months from now I wont be able to write on this blog anymore so I should probably take advantage of it while I can.

Truth be told I am sobbing at my computer. I just started writing what will be one letter to every child and employee here. I can't even. I should have known better than to start with my letter to Dave. Eesh.

(Tomorrow I am telling the kids.....)

I have been so focused on the excitement of a new season that I failed to notice I would be letting this one go. And while I KNOW with my knower in my spirit that leaving is right, I know some days its going to feel really wrong. I remember the first goodbye- I had only been here for 6 months and yet I felt like I was falling apart. 3 years later I am saying good bye again, good bye to the best gift God ever gave me. To children that might as well have come from my womb. To a season of harsh growth and expedited learning. To sunny Saturdays at my favorite beach, coconut in hand.

It's best this way- to leave with a full heart, content, thankful. When I look back on it all, it's all I can muster to say- thankful.

Thank you God for beautiful friendships.
Situations that stretched me.
People that challenged me.
Seasons that grew me.
Produced fruit.
Children that loved me, that taught me how to be a mom.
For fears we overcame, songs we sang, heartaches survived.
Things I never imagined I could do.
Dreams conceived. Grown. Harvested.
Bravery.

This I will say- 3 years later- I KNOW my God. Before I lived vicariously through the experiences of others, through their words over my life and insight into His word. Now, nothing and no one could convince me of his love, his father heart, my position as a daughter, his power, steadfastness, patience, faithfulness, like He can. I have seen him for myself. And I love him. I would not trade that for any lack of trial and hardship, ever.

What lies ahead is beautiful. What I am coming out of is beautiful the same. It's a lovely thing, this walk with the Father, to go from good to good, perfect to perfect, covered place to covered place. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart can conceive..."

hard places

I had one of those moments the other night, ya know those cries where it seems the tears and snot are somehow going up your forehead and then dribbling about everywhere else? It was a rough moment. And one that needed to happen but it was also a good moment. Somewhere amidst the weepy wailing and pile of tissues, though I cant say for sure exactly when it happened, I realized I was no longer crying out of hurt but from a place of being loved. The reality of this season and the abounding grace of God that somehow allows the hardest places to be the richest places, just completely hit me flat out.

How does that work exactly? That in a season of heart ache, brokenness and just plain frustration and often times anger, I can experience the deepest, purest, richest love I have ever known. This icky mess that is my heart is being tended to so gently. I cannot comprehend it. Every day I feel the tension and struggle of my issues and hurt grinding against the environment around me yet it always manages to collide with His mercy. And its in that split second that all those lies and fears and harsh realities become the very things that heighten me to his love, faithfulness, loyalty, strength, ability, power, kindness and peace. 

The hardest places are the richest places. Treasure is for those who dig, who venture out beyond what's easy. Peter wasn't in the kiddie pool when Jesus called him out of the boat. He was in the middle of a lake. A lake I imagine to be rather deep. And there just so happened to be a great storm at the time. That hard place became the place where he walked on water with Jesus.

That's where I want to be. I don't want to stay where I feel good and graze the tip of what He is. I want to go in even further, run through the pain, confusion, loneliness, let's call it what it is-crap, that comes and find Him- and here is the beauty- He is not just on the other side. He is right there in the middle of it with you. When Romans 8 talks about the Holy Spirit being our intercessor, Paul used a word in the Greek that I cant remember. But it basically depicts the Holy Spirit jumping right down there in the pit with you, meeting you exactly where you are, coming alongside, and helping you out. What an incredible Jesus. That He would meet us where we are and labor beside us.

I feel so full. Granted, it may be a mixture of pain and joy, but there is joy nonetheless. And it is my strength. 

shameless persistence

"And He said to them, Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and will say to him, Friend, lend me three loaves [of bread], For a friend of mine who is on a journey has just come, and I have nothing to put before him; And he from within will answer, Do not disturb me; the door is now closed, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot get up and supply you [with anything]? I tell you, although he will not get up and supply him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his shameless persistence and insistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs. So I say to you, Ask and keep on asking and it shall be given you; seek and keep on seeking and you shall find; knock and keep on knocking and the door shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks and keeps on asking receives; and he who seeks and keeps on seeking finds; and to him who knocks and keeps on knocking, the door shall be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a loaf of bread, will give him a stone; or if he asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent? If you then, as evil as you are, know how to give good gifts [gifts that are to their advantage] to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!" Luke 11

Shameless persistence. I cannot even think of a way to introduce the words of Jesus without cutting straight through to this- SHAMELESS PERSISTENCE. 

Every Friday here in Haiti- well where I live- is Bingo Day. The children know it, I know it, and in case I didn't, they refuse to let me forget it. On Monday, we are asking for Bingo. Tuesday, Wednesday, every day that is not Friday, we still ask if it is Bingo day. After which I go into my days of the week song and series of questioning "What day do we play bingo?" "Well what day is today?" "So if we play bingo on Friday's and today is Tuesday, then are we playing bingo today?" 9 times out of 10 I am a stickler for the rules. Yet one afternoon, a sweet little dear skipped along side me "Jessica, bingo please, please can I play bingo today?" "No, cherie, today is Sunday and you just played Friday" "oh PLEASE Jessica PLEASE I MUST PLAY BINGO" "No. we only play on Friday's." "I know but PLEASE PLEASE BINGO I MUST PLAY BINGO" 5 minutes later. "Jessica please please BINGO" One hour later, following me wherever I went, her cries for bingo growing louder and more insistent. "OK FINE. You persistent widow. You can play bingo" 

I tell you this long drawn out story about my 6 year old to show you the power of persistence. I held firm, yet she held firm. I gave in one hour later for no reason other than that it had been an hour and I was tired of her asking. I figured if she cared enough about bingo to beg for an hour then she deserved to play. That isn't even what I wanted to type about but its a phrase I have scribbled in my journal that keeps popping up. Shameless Persistence. Shameless in that you are not embarrassed, you don't care what you look like, how you sound, that you don't deserve it, that its not even bingo day...that you've been begging for hours, you don't stop until you are given what you ask. 

I am going to go ahead and side step any comments I need to make about us not thinking this means we can go to God, beg for what we want relentlessly and he will give us anything and everything- because we know better and that would be a waste of time. 

So- piece 1 of today's puzzle- SHAMELESS PERSISTENCE.

Part 2: the conundrum. I am faced with a decision these days that actually has a due date and ever so dramatically affects the rest of my life. After a month of praying and just bringing it up to God, I still don't know yet- or at least I thought I did and now I doubt. I was reading the other day where God told Abraham to pack his bags and GO. He had no clue where but he did and the Scriptures don't say he complained one bit about it. I said to Jesus "Of course he obeyed- Abraham had it easy, at least you told him to go. If you told me what to do, I would obey it Lord." And the Holy Spirit, in all its truth, love and cutting like a 2 edge sword said to me "What have you already been asked to do that you are not obeying?" Ouch. Whatever could he mean? Except I knew exactly what he was talking about it. How can I pick and choose what commands I obey and then beg God for a new one? From here on my heart process went a bit like this: 

When I don't know what to do- I do what I know to do. Am I walking in love? Am I making disciples? Am I walking faith? Am I feeding on His word? Am I thanking Him? Am I praising Him? Am I spending time in intimate worship? Am I praying in the Spirt (who knows all things and searches all things)? If I am not doing those things- operating in the commands of God- I cannot be entrusted with a new assignment or command. 

Luke 17- There are like 10 lepers and they cry out to Jesus to heal them. He doesn't lay hands, doesn't heal them right then and there, he sends them to the priest. AND AS THEY WENT, they were healed. Did you catch that? As they carried out what Christ had commanded them, what they asked for was given. What would have happened if they had argued with him, refused, even to go forward, doubting they would be healed if they went ahead? No, they did what they were told even when they didn't see. It happened as they obeyed. 

I have been reading and re-reading Philippians 4 for the last month. 

"Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice! Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is coming soon]. Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ([definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. And God’s peace [shall be yours, that [c]tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you."

1. Rejoice....ALWAYS

2. Gladden yourself- when you are discouraged, sad, unsure- you- stir yourself up- make yourself glad from His promises (or usually a great way to accomplish this is by blessing others- meeting a need in their life.....)

3. DO NOT FRET OR HAVE ANY ANXIETY ABOUT ANYTHING

4. BUT IN EVERYTHING 

     1. pray with a definite request

     2. be thankful (REALLY CRUCIAL)

     3. continue to make your want known to God

5. THEN HIS PEACE IS YOURS- GUARDING covering securing your heart and mind- surpassing all understanding (of the situation, the pieces, the future, yourself, others)

6. Think on the things of him- meditate on the right things! How else will you not worry and be thankful when things are hard???

7. THEN HE - the God of PEACE- WILL BE WITH YOU

There are too many nuggets in there. But this is what God is telling me. Jess- you don't feel confident or like you know what to too but you can rest assured in My sovereignty. You can be thankful for what you do know, what you will know (because my Word promises wisdom generously as you ask and tells you that I-Jesus- know the plans I have for you and that I am faithful to finish the work I started in you). You can not worry but tell me what you need, you can let My peace be yours. I am with you. When you don't know what to do- don't wish your situation, circumstances away. Do what you already know. And watch how that opens the door for me to shed more light on your path. 

Y'all bottom line- HE IS A GOOD FATHER. He does not withhold from his children what they need or even desire. We ask for wisdom but He gives us peace and wisdom. I asked to show the love of Christ to the nations- he moved me to Haiti and gave me 69 children. We must meditate on who he really is- not this false image we have of a withholding, stingy, limited, -I'm going to make things hard for them- God. Thats not his character. And if we believe that, what can we expect to receive from him? "you have not because you ask not" "it will be according to your faith"

"Trust me", he whispers. "Why did you doubt ME, Peter?", as he started sinking under the wave. Not "Why did you doubt you could walk on water Peter?" but why do we doubt Christ is who he says he is and does what he says he can (or has already proven he can)?

So- its Wednesday, two days from my decision deadline. And I don't know what to do- YET. But I am thankful the answer is coming. That I have the holy spirit living inside me, revealing to me what he hears from the father, who searches the deep things and articulates what I cant, the advocate, guider and counselor. I am thankful as I step out in faith, he guides me, correcting me as needed. And I rejoice in the peace offered and given so lavishly by a generous father. He is a good father. And we are loved. Be shameless in your pursuit of Him. 

birthday wishes of freedom and hope

**Christine Caine- Passion 2012

Life is a lot these days. There is always a cause, always a need, hurt, pamphlet, asking for money, prayers, support and involvement. Everywhere you look there is a story, a number and statistic. I live in Haiti. I see firsthand every day the faces behind the numbers and the true pain behind the news story. Because I am living amongst it, I often selfishly choose to ignore the other things I hear-the seemingly Christian clichés that come and go with the newest trend. Today its abortion, tomorrow it’s the homeless. You almost can’t even keep up with the hurting. It feels too vast. In the last few years it seems all we hear about is sex trafficking and to be honest that is not something I want to hear about. As a 25 going on 26 year-old free woman, the last thing I want to hear about is my fellow sisters around the world in bondage, raped, beaten, discarded, abused, by the minute. I don’t want to know that while I drink my latte, and drive my car, go to church, do my thing,  that someone just like me, in my back yard or around the world has been robbed of this chance. So I ignored it. I scrolled past it and refused to see. “I am already doing my part in the world, I live in Haiti. I see hurt every day. I cannot handle any more. I will let Christine Caine solve slavery.” Besides, its cliché. Everyone is “called” to sex trafficking these days. And I don’t want to be cliché in what God is calling me to.

Then a few Saturdays ago. I am on a plane, uselessly attempting to get the cd drive on my laptop to work so I can watch a movie. I try and try and finally accept defeat. It’s a used computer so I went to see if maybe by some chance there were already movies downloaded. I found a message by one of my favorite teachers and probably people on the planet (thought we have never met, I am sure we would become the closest of friends) Christine Caine. 

She began telling her own story- discovering she was adopted at the age of 35. Finding out she was not even named after her birth but was instead a number in a system. She told of going to Auschwitz, and crying out to God “Where was the church when thousands upon thousands of Jews were brutally murdered?!”, committing her life in that moment to whatever our current day holocaust was. And God showed her. He opened her eyes to the world of human trafficking. And she never looked back. She allowed herself to see the evil that destroyed hundreds of thousands of women, children everywhere every day. Sitting across from a recently rescued victim that simply asked “why didn’t you come sooner?” she made no excuses but instead said she was sorry.

I was stunned. Why had I not ever seen this before? Why did I allow myself to believe some how I was not responsible, able, to do something? Why had I seen these girls as numbers and history instead of someone I could have been? That could have been me. I could have been born somewhere else, bought and sold to be used. Instead I was bought with the blood of Christ to live in freedom. As were they. Yet they live in bondage. I cried on the plane. Maybe I was not called to start an organization or rescue these women myself, but as a believer, as a member of the body of Christ, there is one thing I know. I am responsible. I am responsible for these women. I can no longer do nothing.

Please hear that I am not suddenly a saint saving the world. I am not the one on the ground doing the hard work, making the sacrifice, taking the risk. I just want to help however I can. And I need your help too.

There are so many ways to get involved and so many people to join hands with. You choose how you want to. But please don’t wait as long as I did. Please decide that today is the day to do something. Not just for human slavery, but for our brother, our sister, our children, around the world, starving, sick, lost, hopeless. We carry the light they need. Let’s bring the light to the dark. I've written on this before, check out my link if you want to read more.      

                    http://jessisgoing2haiti.blogspot.com/2014/01/light-in-dark_29.html

I work for an organization called Samaritan’s Purse and I am ashamed to say that I have not been the Good Samaritan. I have been the levite, the priest that walked on the other side of the road to get to my ministry, my calling, my purpose, my anointing. I have walked past those in need in order to meet my needs and my convenience, not allowing myself to be interrupted. 

My birthday is in 2 months. This year, I am asking you all for a present. I am asking that you support the A21 Campaign and other organizations like it. More specifically I am asking you to write a letter to one of the girls they have rescued. Speak light into closed off hearts, speak freedom to those in bondage, speak the word that was in the beginning, that was God, was with God, that became flesh to dwell in and among us. The word that is power, cutting like a double edged sword, the word that brings life. Speak Jesus to them.  My goal is 26 letters since it is my 26^th birthday but I have like 800 Facebook friends so I think we can do better than that.  Besides- you cant beat a free birthday present. Check out the link below to find out where to send your letter and shoot me a message to let me know you did it.  http://www.a21.org/content/write-a-letter/gjdpl6

This seems small. The issue seems so big. But don’t think of it as a number. Picture the face of one of these girls, picture your sister, your daughter, your best friend that could have been the one, kidnapped, raped and beaten over 40 times just today. We are not removed from this because it is not happening to us. We are responsible. The church cannot be silent.

“He has rescued us so we can arise, reach back and rescue others. Not for us to have a christian bless me club but so we can make a difference in a dark world”- Christine Caine

As I start this next year of my life God has given me, I carry the responsibility of having life, life in abundance. Of not keeping it to myself but sharing it with others. 

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free" Galatians 5:1

The word and joy and jesus

Twice in 2 days- that is a new record for me. But I couldn’t keep away, not after the response I got from yesterday’s blog post. I am humbled really, especially since I re-read my post 15 times over and thought to myself I had forgotten so many key things I was thinking and hoping to articulate. But I am so glad it spoke to you all.

Trials are something we can all share in, they are certainly no respecter of persons. In these critical days for the Kingdom of God, how we respond to our troubles, how we interact with other (believers and non-believers a like) in the midst of them, and how we view God through it all is more important than we can know. Things won’t get easier, the issues and enemies will simply change faces and forms. Our job is to remain hidden under the Shadow of the Almighty- inaccessible to the enemy. His power no foe can withstand. (Psalm 91 AMP) Stop and read Psalm 91 for a second. Then read Psalm 34 where David writes- “He who seeks the Lord (who inquires and requires of Him on the authority of His word) shall lack no beneficial thing.” I want to call your attention to the “on the authority of His word” part because that’s the secret. Not that we won’t lack good things, not that we must seek the Lord, but how we seek him. We seek him through our God given, blood purchased right, as we approach the throne of grace and mercy in our time of need (Hebrews something). We come to him because His word tells us to and we come to Him through His word. The word is working on our behalf, constantly, through all of the things we face, AS WE LET IT. It only works as we let it. Just like my hair dryer doesn’t dry my hair simply because it sits in my bathroom and is in my possession. No that would be quite silly (and actually pretty awesome if it worked that way). It works because it’s in my mouth, out of my tongue, in my spirit, in my heart. Go back to Psalm 34- those who look to You for help will be radiant with Joy. James 1- consider it PURE joy when you face trials….JOY JOY JOY. I’ve written about this before, it’s my favorite and only loved math equation. His presence is the fullness of joy and the joy of the Lord is our strength, therefore His presence=Joy. The joy we receive when we come to him for help, knowing he helps us (because he keeps us in perfect peace whose mind is fixed on him Isaiah something, when we set our eyes on things above Colossians something, when we ask him for wisdom knowing He generously gives it, James something) confident in our position as his children and therefore knowing our right to ask him for help and for his help , makes us strong and that is how we overcome. That is how we pass through. It’s all about Him, His word.

When I was a kid, I knew I was supposed to read my Bible but no one ever told me why. But John 1 tells me why- in the beginning was the Word and the Word was God and the Word was with God….. the Word is life- its Jesus. So when I need more of him- I read the word. When I need to know what to do- I read the word. When I need peace- I read the Word. When I want to know Him more- I read the word. The word the word the word the word. When we truly realize through his revelation power how powerful and alive the word really is, we will eat it like cold mint oreos from the fridge.

I am in a ramble-y mood today. I am just at peace. For the first time in 2 years. Peace that is not removable or just in my back pack. It’s in my heart. Because I’m looking at my King. And he is loving me so well through it all. I mean as I was flying back to Haiti on Monday I was sobbing, knowing it was about to be really hard and I was going to have to sacrifice my flesh- a good sobbing, like He was breaking part of myself to make me like himself. And I looked up out the plane window and there were a lot of clouds and rain but my plane was literally flying under and through a full rainbow. And I heard God say clearly “Jess, I am taking you directly through my promises, I have never left you and I never will” and His spirit continued to minister to me throughout the day and the days following.

And he is ministering to you. Those of you reading this feeling like you are about to crumble. I promise you wont. Though it definitely feels like it. You are a broken vessel. And His light is pouring through you, for all the world to see. Don’t hide what you are going through. Be transparent with someone, share with others what is happening, let them encourage you and see Christ working in you.

We know the ending- we win it all because He won it all. “Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us STRIP OFF every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. (What slows you down? For me its fear, pride, and being easily offended) And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the CHAMPION who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the JOY set before Him….” Hebrews 12:1-2 (and while you are in there, read Hebrews 11:33-35 too…that will really pump you up)

There it is again, Joy. You keep your joy by staying close to him. He is our Joy.

Erosion

Everyone wants to be strong, faith filled and hopeful. That’s what we pray for, that is what we cry out to God for and say "God make me strong, make me a woman after your heart, develop the fruits of Your Spirit in me, make me brave, bold, courageous. Make me valiant, an intercessor. Make me like Jesus."

Somehow I guess we have just assumed over the centuries that cry alone is what makes us those things. That they are somehow attributes we can put in a back pack each day and take with us.

At least I thought so. I would pack my bag the night before, hoping to put good things in, a piece of patience, some love, a slice of grace and extra strength, depending on how much I would need. Then something would happen, wouldn’t you know. And rarely in those moments was my backpack to be found. Or somehow it seemed I had used up all my resources for the day and whatever patience I had planned on rationing the night before had been completely used.

Is that just me? Or does anyone else wish or currently fall under the pretense that you can by your spiritual fruit at Harris Teeter?  Almost three years into my term in Haiti and I may have just been hit in the head with a coconut because here is my revelation: The character of God, those things we pray and plead for to happen in us, are not removable, optional for the day, something we put on like a sweater and buy at the store. It is developed in us.  I know, its crazy and absurd. I come with breaking news that 9 times out of 10 those fruits are grown out of trials. As I walk through what I can quite genuinely say is the biggest trial of my life thus far, I am finally getting it. That the things I feel are going to break me, what the enemy may have actually sent to destroy me, are the very things used to make me. 

I cant really put into words all that I am experiencing and probably shouldn’t but I just want you to know, as I am now realizing for myself, that what you are going through is meant to grow you. The Lord showed me last night from that verse in Isaiah about how when you pass through rough waters, I (Jesus) will be with you. We will pass through waters. The waters may be there for a while. But we will pass through. We will come out. And he will be with us. He showed me a river, as a big rock moves through it, its being tossed and turned, sometimes feeling like its upside down (if rocks had feelings) not knowing which way was up. Sometimes it smashes against other rocks and scrapes against them. But at every turn and jolt and bump, its being smoothed over, rounded out, refined, shaped. Erosion- to gradually produce or form. The rock is being changed as it flows through the turbulence. Fancy that. 

And He is with us. During this. He walks with us through it. Through the fire, which Peter says “beloved DON’T BE bewildered at the fiery ordeal which is taken place to test your quality, as though something strange, unusual, and alien to you and your position, were befalling you. Rejoice, so that when His glory is revealed, you may also rejoice with triumph.” Dont freak out! Dont wonder why this is happening and what you did wrong or why God left you. 

January of 2013 I stood on a stage singing worship for the last time at my church before I left for Haiti, thinking I was going for 5 months. A visiting Pastor turned to me in the middle of it and said to everyone (but to me)  “ the reason you think you are going to Haiti is not the reason you are actually going for” To this day I had no idea what she was talking about- though 90% of the people who heard that word that day thought it meant a husband. Today, 5 minutes ago, I realized that this season, this specific trial I am going through is why I am here. This is my training ground. This growth spurt that is quite painful, that I would like to get out of, escape, give up and let go of. But truthfully, I am honored. I am honored that God would choose me to walk through this, to be patient with me as I grow and learn, to support my leader, to represent him in the midst of what seems like a giant gloomy mountain of doom and impossibility. But my God is in the business of moving those, and using random 25 year old girls that just happen to love him but look completely unqualified to do it.

Praise him and praise him more. He is with us. He is ever with us. And he desires that we continually bear fruit- like the tree in Jeremiah. It bears fruit all the time, in the drought, in the famine, because those things come! But it still bears fruit- why? Because its roots grew down deep into the water. They aren’t bothered. How about you? Are you easily bothered when things happen? I know I can be. I want things to be easy believe it or not and the race I signed up for is anything but. But I will keep running, keep going, towards the prize the goal of becoming like him, for the joy set before me. (Thank God there is rarely actual running involved).  Because that is what he did for me and that is what he asks of me. Better yet- its what he created me, enables me and empowers me to do through his Holy Spirit that also "coincidentally" lives inside of me. 

There is no power behind the things we face. Its all pseudo power. He has transferred us from the power of darkness into the kingdom of his son, remember? (Col 1:13-14) AND by the by, he has overcome the world- DEPRIVED it of its power to conquer us. (John 16:33) Yes, the things happening are real, but the reality and truth is not based on what we see, its based on His Word and what His Word says.

I awoke from blog hibernation to tell you this. Look at His word- set your eyes on things above, the things you cannot see. Stand strong in the Lord. He has not given us the spirit of fear that we so desperately cling to but He has given us a spirit of power, a spirit of love, and a sound mind. We have all that we need in him for everything we face. And there is another side. Just like the disciples in the boat as the storm came. Jesus put them in the boat to get to the other side. He is taking you there, he is just taking you through some things first to make you like him, so that you can know Him, not just know OF Him.

Keep going. He will see you through.

remembrance

Today I went to visit my dear friend down the path. He is the one I wrote about in August. After a serious car accident, his spine was crushed in many places and he is currently paralyzed from the waist down. After a few weeks in the hospital he accepted Christ. He is now back at home after months in the hospital and his spirit is inspiring, his faith unwavering.

We walked down the dirt road, passing families making dinner, ladies washing clothes, chickens, goats, more goats and then to his house. It was such a nice afternoon, talking to him, spending time with his family. We talked about his day, his family, my family, work, but inevitably came back to his "situation", his paralysis.

I would just like to say this and bear in mind, I am saying it to myself. In 2 Timothy 1:6 Paul tells Timothy to bring in to remembrance the faithfulness of God. I was thinking about that this morning, making a literal list of all the ways God has shown himself faithful to me in the past 25 years; that time I was 2 and almost died, the time I broke my foot and God healed it, the time I needed $1500 for India in 2 days and received $1800, the time I was unemployed and didn't have money for food or rent or gas and God provided every day in every way, the time I was believing for an international job and moved to Haiti, etc etc etc. The more I wrote, the more that came to mind of the goodness of God, His hand always on me, His plan for my life, and His love for me. I felt foolish for facing my challenges now with such discouragement and impatience. How could I forget what He is capable of? How can I not see His continued faithfulness in light of His past faithfulness? He is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever more; I am convinced of this. And I am convinced that His promises hold true for us as they did for those we read about. That His healing is for us now (1 Peter 2:24), His protection (Psalm 91), His love, goodness chasing us (Psalm 23) in every aspect of our lives. ONLY good comes from Him and He is working everything out for those who love Him, who abide in Him. (John 15, Romans 8:28)

I have regressed. But this faith I describe is the faith of my friend. It grows in him daily, regardless of paralysis, regardless of what the doctors have told him. He believes he will walk again. And I do too. So pray for my friend. He doesn't have a church, Kenneth Copeland tapes or books on authority and healing and promises. He has one Bible and the Holy Spirit. Yet his faith is immense. And according to the Bible enough to move mountains. Pray for encouragement, strength, healing, abundance of joy in the hardship.

And as you pray for his faith, stir up yours. Write down what God has been for you. Choose to look at past victories and envision the future ones. Trust that His faithfulness continues each day, He may not do it the same, but He will do it. His word says it.

happy new year

I think at this point its safe to say that I am officially the worst blogger ever. I have good thoughts, I know my grammar, I just can't seem to blog these days. Or in any days past that I can remember. This may end up on my new years resolutions list directly following my one and only goal for 2015: finishing a tube of chapstick in its entirety before losing it. I'm not completely convinced I've set a tangible goal for myself (talking about the chapstick here) but I think its worth while to attempt nevertheless.

As 2014 concludes, here is the mini run down of the year, that FLEW by. Does anyone else feel like this? I mean it literally just started, right? It seems like yesterday that I moved here and now its already been a whole year. In the blink of an eye I will be saying this as we countdown to 2016. Life is fast.

Anyways, 2014 was great. Quite possibly my favorite year and most challenging simultaneously. If you know anything about Haiti then I don't need to say much else for you to understand exactly what I mean. I grew. I struggled. I grew some more. Struggled a lot more. Visited America twice. Went to Ecuador and the Dominican Republic. I turned 25. I started playing the guitar. I got a little bit braver and a little bit chubbier. I made new friends, some really great new friends and lost touch with others. My hair got really long. I learned so much about my job and grew closer to my kids. I got better at Creole. I crossed a few things off my bucket list and probably added 10 more things. I hiked a volcano, saw a llama, went to South America....and I think that may be it. I cant remember anything else.

Moving to Haiti this year was the biggest leap of faith I have ever been called to. It was scary yet thrilling and the greatest opportunity thus far God has placed in front of me. That's what I remind myself of on the hard days. I remember the sleepless nights, the tear filled prayers for a world in the dark. And then God sent me, to be a light. Some days I forget that. That my sole job is to let the Light in me shine through to others. And I forget (usually when I am hungry hot or tired) that I am living in an answered prayer, a dream fulfilled. Because of His grace and goodness and mercy, for me and those around me. That is what led me to stay another year. When my flesh said GET OUT NOW my spirit said stay. When I wanted to quit and give up or believe small things don't make a difference, He reminded me otherwise.

I am really excited about next year. I have so far to go but I am going to think on how far He has brought me instead. Because, after all, HE, not me, is the Author and Finisher of my faith. I've come to learn something this year. Faith isn't so much about the things I can't see, its more about what am I choosing to see. Am I setting my eyes on things above when the things around me are either invisible or discouraging? Is my sight Kingdom focused instead of self-focused? When I make that choice, then I can be the believer in Hebrews, that "By faith overthrew kingdoms, ruled with justice, and received what God had promised them. They shut the mouths of lions, quenched the flames of fire, and escaped death by the edge of the sword. Their weakness was turned to strength. They became strong in battle and put whole armies to flight. Women received their loved ones back again from death." I may not feel strong, look strong, or really actually be strong at all. But He is making me strong in the midst of it all. That is what I count on.

Psalm 65:11- "You crown the year with Your goodness, even the hard pathways overflow with abundance" What a promise. That the inevitable hard pathways are filled with an overwhelming amount of His grace, mercy, goodness, triumph and presence.

So here's  to 2015. May it be the year of abundance, bold faith, for me, for you, whatever country you are in, whatever dream you are believing for. Let's pursue the kingdom together. Happy New Year.

a birthday blog

Well, the calendar page has turned once more and I am now 25. I feel a bit old. I am sure that offends most of my readers seeing as how you are over twice that age. But still, its the oldest I have ever been. It requires some getting used to.

Let me tell you about my day. I woke up. Riveting. Then I went to breakfast where my friend Sandy (he is our security manager and my fellow foodie) had a cheesy omelet, grits and coffee waiting for me. Then my sweet South African granny and grampy gave me gifts and a cupcake and kisses.

After that, some friends and I headed over to my house at Greta where we made amazing homemade pizza and played board games. It was so great. All I really wanted today was good food and good food is what I got.

Then we had dinner at base- lovely shepherds pie made by granny. After that church and hanging out with friends.

At 11 pm last night my friend was strumming on the guitar. I kept watching her and decided, I want to be able to do that. I was determined that before my 25th year of life, I would be able to play a song on the guitar. Sure enough, I got it, stayed up late trying to get it right and played all day. My fingers are purple, tingly and have pretty much lost all sensation. From what I've heard that is relatively normal but either way, I'm learning the guitar, and I'm pretty excited. I really like it. My fingers don't.

I felt so inspired earlier to write a post about all the blessings that came with being 24 and all that I was excited for in 25. but as I sit here, 1. I am sleepy and 2. I just think that it very simply is this: 24 was great. I moved to Haiti, struggled a lot, learned a lot and 25 is here. I am still learning, still struggling and still growing. I don't want to set these grand goals with huge marks and milestones. I want to know my God more. For my 25th year I want to pursue my God more and put off things that don't matter so much. There are lots of things I want to do- run more, eat better, play guitar like a pro, love my kids more intentionally etc etc. but those doings don't amount if I am not being the woman of God he loves me into. So 25- the year of counting it all rubbish in comparison to the incredible greatness of knowing him more and more,

Cheers to a new year, new things, and hopefully callused fingers so I can play this guitar.

***Sorry to all that I was MIA today- we had not internet! Such is life.

amazing grace

My heart is full.

I don't even know where to begin. I have mixed feelings right now- the desire to be poetic and graceful vs. shouting at the top of my lungs the beauty and joy of this day.

I have written and backspaced fifty times over and I just cant settle on words that encompass it all. How about I just tell you the story and let it speak for itself.

I have this friend. He is always happy, always encouraging other people, full of joy, the most humble servant, really funny, loyal more than likely to the death and has the best smile in Haiti. Sunday he was in a car accident that has crushed and broken many of his vertebrae. It all seemed devastating to say the least. Not only have we been praying for total healing, we have been praying for something even better- salvation. My friend isn't a believer. He's heard, he's been, its just not for him he says. For someone so dear to my heart, so full of life and love, I found it hard to believe we didn't share a Savior. The last month it has been heavy in my heart to pray for him. So I would pray, as I am sure others that know him have been doing. Then the accident. Then more prayers. Then today. After a week in the hospital and I am sure many more weeks to come, my friend in his words "has his Savior now."

Did you catch that? HE HAS JESUS! My friend that didn't now does. The hope of glory living in me now lives in him. The abundant never ending rivers of living water flow to him. What the enemy meant for harm God used for complete goodness. VICTORY.

And its hitting me like a ton of bricks. The joy of salvation as I watch someone see Jesus for the first time, confess their need for him, believe in faith he saves them. Its incredible. Jesus was something everyone had when I was growing up. I realize now more and more the weight of this, the reality of a perfect God dying for imperfect people and then putting everything good and righteous in them so they could have full eternal complete access to the Father. And my friend has that. He has it. Its more than just a heaven thing, its a thriving not just surviving in this world thing.

I am past being poetic. Real talk- salvation is everything. It should be equally as burdensome to know millions of people don't have this as it is joyful when even just one comes to him.

Today my friend said on the phone " I have my Savior now." Pure and simple. The joy of our salvation. We have a Savior.

I just wanted to tell you that. So that in your seemingly hopeless situation that you have prayed for over and over relentlessly so, you can have peace and take comfort in knowing there is hope. The last word belongs to our King. And he is not finished yet with the work he has begun. So keep praying, sowing, worshipping, believing, giving. Stand firm in the joy of your salvation. Don't get so caught up in your anointing, life purpose, dream husband, gifts and talents. We've already been given the greatest gift. Don't keep it to yourself.

I dance and rejoice with the angels tonight. Jesus has another one in the books. Victory.

I wish you were here

I wish you could spend some time in my world. So many times I wish I could put you in my pocket and take you around. They say a picture is worth a thousand words but I am consistently let down from my pictures of little ones and sunsets that never seem to say what I want to say, can never really show the beauty, the stickiness, the long hours and long hugs.

I wish you could have been with me this morning as a I woke up, made my coffee, walked out my door to an already blazing sun. As I opened my computer and began my days work only to be greeted with kisses and pleas to play bingo, at 8 am.

I wish you could have been in my office as the children tried to catch a grasshopper that was loose under my desk and nearly killed it or came to me with a baby bird in their hand, wondering what to do with it. All before lunch and anything had been crossed off my to do list.

I wish you could have been here at 4:30 pm today when I was ready to go home, the sun was blaring down on my desk and the little boys had just woken up from their naps. I really wish you could have heard the moment they discovered what happens when you stick a pencil in an oscillating fan or put paper on the back of it. I wish you could have seen the dogs reaction to being woken up with that noise.

I wish you could have walked home with me today as I was escorted by two little boys, carrying my bags and coffee cup. Their vivid imaginations had led them to tape paper wings on each others backs. The "butterfly boys", their words, not mine. I wish you could have seen them flapping their wings, each time with such enthusiasm it made you wonder if they really believed they could in fact fly.

I wish you were sitting with me now. The boys are playing soccer, the sun is setting and the dogs are barking at birds. Its calm and cool for the first time all day. As I sit here I want to take a picture but I know it would be in vain. I wanted to take a picture of the boys with their wings today but I knew it would do my heart best to put my phone away, to soak up the moment as they walked me home. Sometimes, life here is hard. And then there are nights like this where God calms my heart and my mind, uses birds and skies to remind me I'm home. This is where he wants me, where he grows me, where he loves me and where his light shines from me, for now at least. My heart is happy. I wish you could be here.

home is where the food is

A plethora of questions surfaced during my last trip home, all centered on my absence from the blog world. My apologies dedicated readers- I hardly realized people read my blog. Keeping you on the edge of your seats was unintentional and I hope to spare you of all lingering curiosities in the next few paragraphs.

I just enjoyed 12 days at home. As I am sure you are all wondering, I will go ahead and get it out of the way- I did in fact eat Chic-fil-a while home, more than once I assure you. Nothing says home like sweet tea and polynesian sauce. Among other things, I roamed Target aimlessly for hours, visited friends and family, and enjoyed driving in a land where rules apply and honking is reserved for only the crankiest of souls. I ate, ate again and then ate until I couldn't eat more, followed by a short break before enthusiastically resuming this hobby of mine. Would you like to know what I ate? I will tell you. Steak, cheeseburgers, donuts, shrimp, french toast, creamy dreamy only available in God's bless-ed South grits, pizza and pizza and pizza and peaches. I feel quite satisfied and motivated for a new phase of exercise and my daily 8 of required water. To my fried and greasy endeavors, you were fun while you lasted.

Who knew one could write so much about food? Though if you know me at all you know its my third love, right behind Jesus my King and little Haitian babies.

I realized something on this trip home. I love my family and friends. Don't get offended- I knew that before. But I found myself in an even greater awe of my community. I am so blessed with godly selfless encouraging friends, grandmas, pastors, mentors, brothers, all of you. Thank you for supporting me from afar, for helping me grow to this present season and in it, and for letting me back in every 3-6 months. Y'all are great. Every time I leave I realize more and more what I leave behind. I'll trade sadness for gratitude and thank God that whether I ever plant my feet in America again or not, he has given me so much in each of you. Geography is no more than a subject in school. (But nonetheless important so please, save yourself the embarrassment and Google Haiti before you ask me where in Africa I live. Knowledge is power people. Have some pride.)

With all that said, I am excited and ready to go back. I don't know what the next six months will look like exactly but I am believing for a few things:

1. More boldness. Let's be real. God put his Son inside of me. I can't let things, big or little, stop that flow of power in me. No enemy, bad news, humidity, nada.

2. Salvations for my staff and children

3. That I would continue to grow as a leader and invest more intentionally into this development process. For creative strategies covered in the love and grace of God to reach the children, the community and the hearts of people I lead.

4. Sincere trustworthy friendships

5. Joy joy joy

I also do so solemnly swear to blog more. Feel free to post questions on my blog- that may help me to write more.

Here's to the next 6 months. And my last 2 hours in America. Off to eat some pizza that will literally cost me my arm and right leg.

usual things

I am trying to get better about this blogging thing, not only for your sake but mine. I figure in 5 years I will probably want to look back and reflect on this season of my life. unless its anything like reliving my middle school diary, then I imagine shame upon shame.


Lets see, volunteers came and left. 2 of my dear friends have since left... :( and one more is on her way home in a few weeks. Pray for friends!


June is getting crazy and HOT. Sometimes, most of the time, I just cant think and I have to walk home to sit in my AC house so I can do something as easy as payroll.


We have the kiddos finishing school this month, kindergarten graduation- let me tell of you the preciousness this is, volunteer team #2, a visit from our IHQ guy to do some strategic brainstorming and vision casting, and I think that is it along with the regular usual craziness.


But shortly after that I will be stateside! what was my return trip home last year is now my halfway point break. It is crazy how time flies. The difference in where I am and how I feel this year is monumental. God is good. Chicken minis here I come!


Small talk- today I worked, ran, tried a new recipe...tilapia and cilantro and feta cheese etc etc. it was delish.


I think that is all- was that worth blogging? I am not quite sure. Nothing profound here. Just living the dream.

the value of volunteers

One of my current pet peeves, just under selfies and chewing with your mouth open, is this new fad I can't seem to understand. Every time I get on Facebook or Pinterest I see loads and loads of lists, blogs and personal revelations just out there for everyone to read. "23 Things to Do Before You are 23" or "30 Things to Do Before You Get Married" or "Why you Should Stay Single and Travel" and 70 million reasons why I know something you don't and therefore should blog about it. It really perturbs me. Can you tell? And yes, I realize the irony, I am blogging about how I hate blogs but its different, really it is.




A theme I have noticed quite a bit in these recent blog rants is the "Dangers of Short Term Missions". Paragraphs and piles of why volunteers, missionaries, youth groups and Americans with fannypacks and a week off of work are hurting development work around the world. As a development worker in a third world country I can definitely see a side to what they are saying. It can be challenging to invest years and years into a project only to watch a group come in for 7 days and think they have all the answers, changed the world or can fix it with a lump of money. I will be honest, I even get territorial over my children sometimes...is that wrong? And up until 8 days ago I would have said that for the most part I completely supported the abolition of short term missions. 8 days ago I was wrong and I will tell you why, without a list.




Let me go ahead and preface my reasons with a disclaimer of sorts. Short term trips, just like anything in life, have the potential to be great or a total flop. The difference is always made in the will of God. Groups coming down willy nilly just to have a "world experience", because its the cool new thing to "have a heart for the nations" or to make themselves feel better are more than likely not helping. Yes, your money is helpful. But I can see the argument of this being a hurt more than a help when you come with the wrong mindset. Anything not done in love is done wrong. Plain and simple.
On the contrary, when a team comes, no matter how long or short, whatever their resources or experience, when God has ordained their trip, when they desire to love and please him, they will be a blessing.


The team we had last week is the quintessential example of this. I will be honest- I completely expected to be worn out and exhausted from a week of volunteers. Instead, they left me feeling refreshed, loved and honored. I sobbed as I watched them drive away, realizing I had friends leaving instead of volunteers. What they were able to do in such a short time frame amazed me. So often teams comes down, want to play with some little kids, take pictures of babies, lay some mulch, act like they were a huge blessing to us, and then leave, taking with them pictures and leaving with us only balloons and candy. This team didn't just focus on the cute easy activities and children but sought each day to love our staff, our teenagers, to teach, enrich and honor us. They didn't presume they were stronger Christians than the Haitians, that they were blessing us. They served. They brought us joy. A fresh zeal that you can easily lose when you are in a challenging environment every day with the same people who are in the same challenging boat as you. I cannot say enough about this team. I cannot explain well enough the seeds they sewed into the hearts of our children, the deposits they made of eternal value and impact.


Workers cant do everything. We imagine volunteers have a limited perspective from not really knowing the country, its people or its issues. But sometimes the limited perspectives come from the workers, blinded by the same situations and struggles they encounter every day. Sometimes it takes new eyes, fresh hearts and energy brought by volunteers to revive a ministry and its staff.


Relief work is life changing, for everyone involved. But I would never be here if it were not for the 10 short term trips I took before this. The Lord didn't just wake me up one day and say "hey move to this foreign country for a year". I would have said in the most respectful way- heck no Jesus, heck no. And thank God he didn't. He gracefully gave me years and years to grow in my love and experiences and calling for what I do now. And I am sure my time here is doing that even more for the future things to come. I would never want to take that opportunity away from someone else. There is a beauty to be found in the eyes of someone on their first mission trip, experiencing the love of God in such a new and intense way. Watching their hearts break for others, for the kingdom, is an honor and I have no right as a long term worker to devalue that.


I could go on and on but I think you get my point. We are all kingdom workers, all part of the master plan to bring people into salvation, to spread the good news, to be the light and the salt, the hands and feet. We CANNOT do it without each other.


There it is. My hypocritical self revelation rant on why an organization needs its volunteers. Why Jesus created us all differently with different purposes that all go towards the same purpose. Why I miss my team and how I have 8 new friends that feel like family.

updates

Yikes. Exactly two months since I last blogged. I hardly even remembered I had a blog until my little brother mentioned he had been checking and I had not been writing. He is sweet. So here you go JR, this one is for you.


Two months in Haiti most often times feels like a blur. I can barely remember yesterday let alone last month. April was busy- trying to get ready for my vacation while the children had a two week vacation from school. Some days it was pure madness. But I made it to my dream get away, 10 days in the Dominican Republic with my dear friend. We ate, slept, played Rummikub, had people bring us trays of food in the pool while we slept and played Rummikub, dressed up, went to Jazz shows, got tan, watched the Food Network, it was GLORIOUS. I don't think I have sat down for that long in years, maybe ever. My one recommendation to myself in retrospect from that trip would be to never, no matter how cheap it may be, take a bus from one country to another. 10 hours, on a bus, with one bathroom, with lots of people, crazy driving, sketchy borders, sketchy people. Pay the money, get a plane. Never underestimate the value of a good toilet experience.


May. May has been pretty great actually. Part of my position here is hosting and coordinating volunteer teams that come throughout the year. This year we have around 7 that will be gracing us for 2 weeks at a time. This is our first year of VTs without construction and last week we hosted our first 2014 team and my first team ever as coordinator. I cannot even being to say or adequately express the blessing this team was to me, Penny, and our GHA family. I will post about that in a separate blog later. What a week.


So that's where we are now. My dear friend Laura comes TOMORROW for a bit over a week visit and I CANNOT WAIT. It is quite wonderful timing really, minus the virus that is being spread around Haiti right now from mosquitoes. Please pray for protection over our staff and children. Several already have it and there is no cure. It is not fatal but its not pleasant and has year long effects.


Some things you can pray for me right now, if you'll allow me to be greedy for a moment:


1. Friendship- Sometimes living and working with 100 people makes it harder to realize how lonely you actually feel. It is very easy to get caught up in my work my kids my life here and not even notice I am in need of friendship, Godly women I can talk to about the challenges and struggles of my life here but also someone I can just laugh with and be refreshed by. In the last week I have had 5 friends, one being my closest friend, leave, and there are a few more leaving within the next month. So pray that Jesus sends someone my way!


2. Continued protection and safety for me, the staff, all SP workers and our children.


3. Pray for my boss Penny.


4. And as always, pray for Haiti, for them to experience the abounding love of God.

mini little update

I realize it has been quite a while since I have written anything here. This last month has been a bit of a whirlwind so I will give you a quick update, just in case you are interested...mom. :)


1. do you remember that dreaded beach from last year I swore I would never go to again because of the awful hike? I went there 2 weeks ago. it was just as awful as I remembered, but I am sure through some means of peer pressure, I will go again.


2. I started my bible study with the teenage girls at Greta a few weeks ago, and you are absolutely welcome to pray for that. I am writing my own AND doing it in another language- praise Yahweh for the Holy Spirit, am I right??? But more than anything, pray these girls grow each week in their knowledge of God, his everlasting and unfailing love for them.


3. I started working out, yes, me. Can you believe it? Each day I run a mile and do a workout from this 30 day challenge I found on Pinterest- whilst searching for cake recipes mind you. It has been a great de-stresser though I must say, when you are stressed because of your 70 children and you are running in the same compound around those 70 children it kind of negates the purpose. I never fail to find a few minutes in a trail of tag-a-longs, without shoes, without breath, panting with all they've got. its quite precious and always spurs me on to run even more.


4. I started the above #3 because, in 27 days from today I will be headed to the DR for a dream vacation. What I imagine to be a magical, tropical, 10 days of nothing- laying by the pool, eating things, reading things, going to the beach, going to sleep, waking up, repeat as needed.


5. We got an ice cream maker. It is probably the best thing and yet the greatest enemy of #3. Today we made peppermint patty ice cream- me zanmi it was good.


6. the babies are good- precious- wonderful- the joy of my days- the gray hairs that are popping up on my head.


I think that is a fairly accurate summary of my time here without getting into the nitty gritty of what is really going on, in my heart and day to day walk here. Can I tell you the truth? Can I admit that at least once a day I feel like giving up? You know all those verses you read about testing and patience and endurance and refinement and being made perfect and complete lacking nothing? If you are anything like me you read them and agree wholeheartedly and think why yes of course, I can do that, for the joy set before me! then life, and the enemy and trials and situations are before behind and around you and you have to decide what is going to win. will you allow yourself to be perfected? To be made into his image, to have your patience and endurance developed in you, to exercise your love muscle (cough cough Gracie)? When the fear is great will your faith be greater? it sounds like a pinterest pin which makes me almost hate it but its true even when its overused.


My boss bought this bible storybook for kids in English and creole. Most nights I make my way over to one of the little peoples room and read them a story from it. Its quite a marvelous book and we have taken to reading it ourselves, without the children each night. The other night we were reading through most of the Old Testament. Story after story depicted normal ordinary people in ridiculous situations, called by God to respond in giant faith so he could get amazing glory. the result was the same every time. They were victorious and he was made famous. I thought about the situations I am currently in, the things that keep me up at night or anxious during the day and I realized that this God who literally shut the mouths of lions that could have mauled Daniel to death, the one who parted an OCEAN while the greatest army in the world was chasing these worn out ex-slaves in the desert, that God is my God. His word is either true or it isn't. Period.


His word, partnered with our faith, walked out in love, all because of his love is the answer you guys. Spoiler alert- that is the answer. those three together are unbreakable and undeniable. It is not easy but it is simple. and through the power of jesus and the grace his spirit provides, we can do it. I can do it.


Anyways- that's my mini pep talk at 11 pm at night. there is always so much more I want to say but cant seem to articulate. this will have to do for now. I did 50 burpees today- if you don't know what those are google them- if Satan created a workout... So I am tired and ready for some work and then bed.


Thanks for your prayers, comments of encouragement and love from afar.